New Year, New You (Me)

Have you read Julie and Julia? Seen the movie? Well, in both this character, Julie (duh), is inspired to cook through Julia Child's cookbook in a year-some 500+ recipes. Now, unfortunately we know I cannot eat about 98% of the recipes in her cookbook, but seeing that today is New Years Eve, I am feeling inspired to try something for myself this next year.

I'm not typically the one to make a New Year's resolution (or multiple for that matter), but for some reason this year I've decided to consciously make a few changes or goals for myself. Nothing major, just a new, fresh look at the new year. Hence the new.

So, in theme with making New Year's resolutions, what should my goal be for 2010?

Photo Fun

Here is how I spent my afternoon (and some afternoons last month)...editing photos I mean:

Here is to Miss Rose. Another day, another post to the rest.

Panicking at the Disco

Per the suggestion of a friend I am here, writing, to get something off my chest. To be honest I am not really sure what I am getting off my chest, but whatever it is, it needs to go.

Currently, I feel like throwing up. Yum! Just what you wanted to hear, I am sure. But this time I don't think it has anything to do with something I ate. I think it has everything to do with anxiety.

To suffer from anxiety is to have, "a vague unpleasant emotion that is experienced in anticipation of some (usually ill-defined) misfortune." The part that gets me there is the whole "usually ill-defined" thing. Reading that part alone seems to discount the feelings that accompany anxiety. It gives the lump in the throat, the stomach discomfort, the panicked breathing, the adrenaline pumping, the sense of homesickness (when at home) less credit than it deserves, as if it were a figment of my imagination. Or is it?

Ill-defined. What does that even mean? Well, apparently it is an adjective that means "poorly stated or described." In that case, I supposed that is a valid statement, and therefore a valid definition of anxiety. After all, I never can quite seem to pinpoint my anxiety, er, "misfortune."

But maybe the focus here should not be just on "ill-defined" but rather on the "ill" part. Is anxiety an illness? According to most, yes. But if it's based on "ill-defined misfortunes" then wouldn't that imply that it's based on nothing? Nothing worth being based on anyways. And if that is the case, then how do you know if you have anxiety or if you are just making it up?

Shoot, that was something only an anxious person would say, huh? Oh well. Whatever!

I think by the end of this brief post I have diagnosed myself. See at the beginning, where I said "...something off my chest...not really sure what I am getting off my chest..."? Don't you agree that fits right in with the whole "ill-defined" thing? Before I even knew the exact definition of anxiety my comments fit right in with it. Looks like I ratted myself out.

Now, what to do with this ill-defined nothingness that seems oh so present.

Too Long

I suppose I cannot quite call myself and avid blogger considering I have taken as long of a hiatus as I have. But maybe that's a good thing.

23 has already treated me much better than 22, and for that I just gave a huge sigh of relief. I cannot point my finger at any particular change, but it's been a good year so far (not even a month long, but I am being hopeful and attempting to trust a little more).

My stomach problems have been no better than last year, maybe even worse, but this is the year to figure it out! Speaking of which, I have learned one new thing about my stomach in the past month. Monday-Thursday=stomach pain. Fri-Sunday=happy as a clam, calm as a cucumber. I'm guessing this has something to do with the day to day work stress I face, or maybe the whole sitting at a desk for 6-8 hrs. thing that I so often do, but I'm not sure how to go about making changes so that this is no longer the case. So maybe this is a sign that what my weekends entail are usually good for me, but does that mean the rest of it is bad for me? Unfortunately every day is not a weekend (even though I still work weekends).

So there is that.

I've also been super encouraged by some of the people around me lately, especially those who have spent a lot of time with me and know me well. I am not the type to reveal all of who I am from the get-go. It takes a while for me to open up. But for those who [are lucky enough to] know me well, are really encouraging to me at times. I love that I've stayed close with some of the families who I babysit/sat for. So refreshing!

I realize this blog may not be all that interesting, but whatever!

"Spiritual Renewal"

I put that title in quotes not as a proper form of punctuation but instead because, well, let's just call them "air quotes."

Back in October our staff was granted a block of time out of the office to focus on spending time with God and away from all that is during this time of year. The time, date, location, and goal for that time was up to us. So what did I do? Picked a time and date, location (a few), and set a couple of open ended goals with the intent that I would wait and see what I felt like that day to really focus on.

To be honest, I went in to work this morning thinking it was scheduled for next Wednesday, but to my surprise (and joy!) the day was today. So, 1pm rolled around and out I went. Now, my goal for this is not to tell you about some miraculous interaction or God encounter that I had-that's just not my style. A is for AWkwARd. My goal for this is well...

...to tell you that I fell asleep. Yep, that's what I did. Apparently "spiritual renewal" in fact implies sleeping, hence the air quotes. This is not the first time I've done this...actually last time I fell asleep twice. Ya, there was some other stuff at the beginning and end, but most my time was spent sleeping. So my question is this, does that still count as spiritual renewal?

I think it does.

Seriously?

Pretty much the whole of last week I spent bloated-and not the "OMG, I feel so fat" kind of bloated. Each day the bloating started a little earlier--5pm Tuesday, 3pm Wednesday, 3pm Thursday, 1pm Friday, 11am Saturday...seriously?? When this happens I usually start asking myself a million questions:

1. What have I eaten today?

2. Was there something in my food I shouldn't have eaten?

3. Am I just stressed?

4. Do I need sleep?

5. Seriously, what did I eat to cause this?

6. What can I eat/do to fix this?

7. How many different medicines can I try to make this go away?

8. Is it possible to overdose on a cocktail of the following meds?

-Anti-heartburn

-Maalox

-Digestive Enzymes

-Gax-X (extra strength)

-Ginger Tea

-Smooth Move Tea

9. Why did I drink all that tea??? This was a bad idea.

The only thing that makes it "go away" would be laying on the couch doing nothing. The discomfort is still there, but for some reason laying down seems to relax my system for the time being.

What was my next plan of action? Call mom: WHAT? I need to cut out all grains? Seriously?

On to my next venture: no grains. Seriously now, what is left to eat? My diet has consisted of the following for the past two days:

1. Pumpkin

2. Trail Mix

3. Coffee

4. Tuna

5. Peanut/Almond Butter

6. Apples

7. Bananas

8. Lettuce

9. Popcorn*

10. Mixed frozen vegetables*

11. Eggs

*oops--contained corn...who knew corn was a grain?

Depressing. It's sad to say I'm not sure if I even like food anymore. I have become incredibly fearful of trying any new food and/or eating out in the past few months. It's just not worth it. When it comes down to it, I would rather just eat at home. Even still my diet has become quite limited as you can see. I know this sounds like a dream diet to some where carbs are non-existent-but seriously, it's just not worth it.

I guess GFDF now has a new meaning--GRAIN Free, Dairy Free. Free-DUMB that is.

Hungry Hippo

Are you ever just so hungry that you cannot seem to get full? I wonder if this is something normal people ever feel or if it is solely a characteristic of those with food allergies. It's not that I crave a particular food and won't feel satisfied until I get that food (although a Sprinkle cupcakes doesn't sound so bad), it's more so that there just seems to be no food in the world that satiates me. I am always a little hungry, never fully satisfied, and always wanting more.

Thanks to my mother I try very hard to fill up on greens (if you want to eat, eat a head of lettuce!) but that just doesn't do it. My go to food is peanut butter. I eat it on everything: rice cakes, tortillas, apples, cereal (don't ask), my finger, a spoon, rice bread, chocolate chips, other nuts, carrots (again, don't ask), and anything else that might be found in my fridge or pantry. Peanut butter is salty, sweet, GFDF, and delicious. It goes with just about anything and is full of protein that actually satisfies more often than not. I can easily go through a jar of this heavenly staple in 7-10 days.

Is this inability to feel satisfied common to us allergy ridden people or is this part of my family's digestive curse?Perhaps I really was made to be a little plump. Maybe then a drop in blood sugar wouldn't instigate WWIII or an F-5 tornado warning with anyone in my path.

What satisfies you? How do you get full on GFDF food?

Whatever

It's my new word, my new mentality, my new theory on life. And so far it is working!

If you have read any of my previous posts you will know that I have struggled through the last year or so of "growing up." I've had anxiety, stress, frustrations (all of the above really) and I am looking forward to the end of 22. That being said, "whatever" has become my new motto. You should make it yours too. Why, you ask?

Said something a little bit harsh to your co-worker, turning down her idea with a dirty look you did not realize you gave when she was already having a bad day? Whatever. It won't kill her.

Just got paid and want to go shopping at your favorite store with your 15% off-because-it's-your-birthday card although most your paycheck should probably go to your credit card? Whatever. Credit card balance will be there with the next check too. That fabulous coat may not be.

Only went to 2 out of 5 financial classes your boss "strongly suggested" you try going to this year because 2 of those nights you simply did not want to go? Whatever. I'm a big girl. I can figure out my own ish. Who said I needed a will at 22 anyways?

Finished off your pantry because you just couldn't seem to get full or feel satisfied by all things GFDF? Whatever. Tomorrow is a new day and who said you could not eat peanut butter on, well, everything non-peanut butter in your pantry?

Gave attitude to your co-worker (not above mentioned) because you got verbally slapped on the wrist by her for no good reason? Whatever. It's not my problem she is anal. I didn't want to help load her car anyways.

I guess I've now revealed a little more about myself than perhaps I should have, but this mentality is a great new way of life! When the going gets tough-whatever! Life goes on. I'll make more mistakes, screw up a few more times, and ultimately make a fool of myself (or go broke), but what's the use of stressing to the point of anxiety, depression, frustration, and the list goes on? I think I may have just created my own version of McMama's Not Me Monday. Maybe this can be my Whatever Wednesday (oops, it's Monday). Maybe I'll become fabulous and famous of my new blog idea. Until then, whatever.

How much is too much?

When it comes to blogging, there are many types of bloggers. There are those that reveal every name, date, and location their story or life is associate with. There are those that disguise every individual in their family with cutsie nic-names as if they are in the witness protection program.

Then there is me. I lean more towards the witness protection spectrum, but with a twist. I have always been a very honest person. I like to think it has something to do with my name, which (am I NOW revealing too much?) "truthful." Now, this honesty I exude is not just up to truth vs. lie, but rather, a general sense of honesty I tend to share with people. It is true, "I cannot tell a lie," but the honesty I am prone to is telling people when they are ridiculous or need a reality check. I am also prone to seeing things for what they are and not necessarily being coy when it comes to sharing those thoughts.

So, my question it this: when it comes to blogging, how much is too much? Some people might consider what I have to say "raw" which I most definitely take it stride, but where does the line need to be drawn?

Best WeekEND Ever!

Finally! I had a real weekend! Even better, a 4-day weekend :)

"Real" weekends do not happen often in my kind of work. If I am lucky I have Saturday off to pretend like I am a normal person, but most work weeks are 6 days+. Because I baby-sit every Friday I kind of do it to myself, but baby-sitting is something hands on that I am good at, comes naturally, and pays well. It is a good way to not worry about the things of everyday life and focus on someone else for a change of pace.

THURSDAY-SATURDAY

Anyways, this weekend I was blessed to be in my first college roommate's wedding. I say "blessed" not because it was a wedding or because it is what I should say but because it was an honor to be asked and it turned into a HUGE reprieve for me that I was not expecting. Sure it was busy leading up to the weekend right when we were hit with the rehearsal dinner, pampering, errands, and people, people, people! However, it was incredibly refreshing to be with new people. There was no real agenda. I am SO thankful I set as much time aside as I did. It allowed me to focus on nothing more than the wedding, the bride, the friends, and everything going on with it. There was no stress involved, just being supportive and easy going.

For the first time in a long time I felt 22 in a good way. I felt young this weekend. I felt like I experienced life the way most of my peers do. We pampered ourselves by getting our nails and hair done. Hung out at the bride & groom's place with the wedding party. Stayed in a hotel the night before drinking champagne, eating Mexican, and playing catch phrase. Went to breakfast, salon, then wedding!

I loved getting to spend this special time with the bride and other friends from college. Everyone was fun and easy going-a breath of fresh air. We ate, we danced, and then I even went out afterwards! This is not something I do regularly, usually due to my schedule and/or mental/emotional burnout. But not this weekend!

And good news! I could eat at the wedding without asking for special requests! For this reason alone I am a huge fan of buffet receptions and good, clean food. For once the food I could eat outnumbered what I couldn't! Chicken, baked apple, red potatoes, grilled veggies...delicious. I might even repeat this meal at my own wedding...whenever that day comes.

Despite all the fun we had together, one of the most memorable moments was getting to pray with the bride before the wedding. I knew it could be perceived by some as cheesy. Even I debated whether or not to do it. But then the moment presented itself and I took the opportunity. The bride and groom do not practice any particular religion regularly although I think they were both raised in such families. But, given the basis of my friendship with the bride, I felt it was appropriate and needed. With all the stress, all the anxiety, excitement, nerves, and the fact that a wedding is a HUGE life marker, what better way to enter marriage than by inviting God into that relationship? This just happened to be an opportune moment I do not think I would have had otherwise. I do not think I have actually ever prayed with her before. I just had this overwhelming sense that this was something only I would consider doing with her in that moment. Only I could play that role in her life on that day, in that moment. I am so glad I took the time to stop for that brief moment.

SUNDAY

Woke up at 9:30am! A HUGE feat in my book, thanks in part to covering my paper-thin blinds with a dark colored sheet. Breakfast, laying on the couch catching up on SNL and Real Housewives, followed by an 8 mile walk. Wait, what?? 8 miles you ask? Yes, 2.5 hours (3 if you count the stop at Roger's Garden for a breather) and 8 miles later I ended up back at home. I guess I just didn't realize how far of a walk it would be since it is such a simple and direct path to getting there (Roger's Garden). I do not know what inspired me or where I got the energy, but it was a beautiful day and a great way to spend the afternoon!

SUNDAY PM

I got an iPhone! Sure, I did not have a phone for 3-4 days (and lost all my numbers AGAIN), but I have the iPhone I have wanted for the past year! Now to collect all those numbers again...

MONDAY

No work for me! I am taking preventative comp time for all the events, etc. that we have going on, so Monday is the final extension of my weekend. I have no real intentions other than making a return (sad day), and going to a finance class at night (ugh). Other than that the day is mine!

Bliss.

Lunchtime Epiphone

You know you're white trash when...

1. You bring soup to work in a mason jar because you ran out of tupperware (and eat it out of the jar also).

2. You are too cheap to buy a Halloween costume so you debate between...

a. wearing an apron and calling yourself a "housewife" or "baker"

b. wearing a robe and calling yourself a "housewife"

c. wear the same cat ears you wore as a 5th grader*

d. wearing your middle school band jacket and calling yourself a "Jr. Higher"

e. wearing your graduation gown (enough said)

f. wearing your graduation dress and calling yourself "Greek"

3. Your co-worker tells you you are.

*winner

Eulogy of a Good Friend

To my good friend, you have done well to me these last 18 months. You've provided immediate fulfillment in tough times and nourishment only you could provide. You have been manifested in so many ways to reach all corners of this place we call home. You welcome me with open arms always sharing your many facets.

But now, you've turned my back and abandoned me. You were my last glimmer of hope, and now I am all alone. What will I do without you? New friends come and go. Although I feared you might one day leave me, I had hope that you'd stick by me, be my friend, my joy. Now you bring me pain and frustration, discomfort and only a brief moment of contentment. I'm afraid we can no longer exist in friendship, although my memories of you will forever be of the joy you've brought me for so long. Now you must join the other friends I have put to rest. I think dearly of each of you.

To my dear frenemie, frozen yogurt, you will be missed dearly.

It's official

The pressure is on. Now that my blog has been "linked" with another per someone I may or may not be related to, it's on! I am fairly positive no one has actually followed the link yet, but that may have something to do with the midnight-mama crowd that stalks each others websites. For those of you who don't know, mid-night mamas are all those crazy moms, stay-at-home or not, who inch along throughout their day in dire anticipation of the post bedtime freedom they are allowed once the kiddos are safe in bed. Come 7:30, 8:00, 8:30, 9:00...little by little these mamas inch their way to one blog, then another, and another. The blogging goes on and I am pretty sure they are the reason for the existence of it all.

Obviously I cannot say I am part of this specific blogging crowd, but now that I follow two such blogs, I can say I am at least a part time blogger, especially now that I am a gluten-free

stalk---er, I mean mean blogger.

Perhaps it has something to do with deleting my Facebook, or rather, "deactivating" my Facebook. Apparently I needed to find some other online forum for keeping my brain going at all hours of the night. But let's be frank. Actually, I'll be frank, you be Alice. I like writing. I have always been a writer in some capacity whether it be journaling or writing papers. (Want to know a secret? I really enjoyed writing papers in college--even the ones I procrastinated to do). I like writing and my mind is constantly going, especially once night falls. I have been a night owl since the days of sleepovers at Grammy's house when I stayed up long past any decent hour watching Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, nighttime specials and Law and Order reruns. I followed in her footsteps and sometimes beyond. There must have been something in the eggnog.

Writing is a means of straightening out the thoughts in my oh-so-jumbled head. There are too many to count, sort or organize, so writing becomes the best means for living out my type-A tendencies. That and strategically putting all my food in type/size specific plastic ware organized by style in my pantry. And obsessively organizing, then reorganizing my ever expanding collection of earrings and pajama shirts.

I love writing and this has become my forum for doing so. Would I one day like to make a career out of it? Yes. Children's books perhaps? Check. Cookbook writing? Check. So this is the beginning. There may not always be a method to it. I may not always have a witty and descriptive title (although I personally find my blog title quite smart), but here it is and here I am. Shaken and stirred but hopefully not repeated.

Midnight Munchies

I seem to have a problem lately. This is not the first time I have experienced it, but it has definitely been a while. I am pretty sure I should be ashamed of this, but I will explain why I am not.

At least 2-3 times a week in the last few weeks I find myself in the kitchen, eating, at ungodly hours of the night. It is not that I get the munchies, walk downstairs and finish a carton of ice cream. This is much worse. I wake up out of a dead sleep come 2am and find myself downstairs with whichever kitchen utensil I find most accessible eating bite after bite of one leftover or another.

The reason I am not as ashamed as perhaps I should be is that although I am aware of the fact that I am awake, I have little to no control over my actions. Essentially I am sleep-eating. This is no excuse for this odd behavior, but I at least feel better about the fact that my actions slightly resemble and out of body experience. One minute I am sitting straight up in bed with my eyes perched towards the door, my hand clamoring for the blankets that suffocate me through the night, the next minute my hand is going for a scoop of spanish rice, a bite of chili, or my mouth going for a rice cake smothered in peanut butter.

My only explanation for this odd behavior is that I have been making great strides to modify some of my eating habits. I am not necessarily eating that much less during the day, but definitely trying to limit how late my snacking goes into the night. Lately my last nibble or munch has come no later than 9pm. That is late for some I know, but it is realistic for me considering I am always hungry. Anyways, I have gone to bed a little more hungry than normal since trying to modify my diet, therefore I am beginning to question if I am getting enough calories in throughout the day. I am working out at least 3-4 times a week on top of everything, so is that to blame also? Or is this one of those cruel tricks your body plays on you to sabotage any new routine you are trying to establish?

My plan for the next 2 days is to eat something a little later in the day than I have been in hopes that my body does not "need" any more nutrients throughout the night. Then I will scale back again to see if my body will adjust.

If sleep-eating is the result of a lack of nutrients or calories, then I wonder what sleep-walking is the result of. Lack of exercise? Boredom? Oh, the mysteries of life.

A thought

I had a thought the other day. As I laid in bed going through my day and what was to come tomorrow I realized how quickly my birthday would be here. In the moment I thought, "I guess I finally figured out how to be 22," to which I quickly realized, "Actually NO, I have not learned how to be 22, I am just going to skip to 23-let's see how that goes."

As we all know, 22 has not been the easiest year of my life. I have looked forward to being 22 since I was a little girl and I have disappointingly been let down, very far down. I can't say I figured out how to be 22, but I can say that I persevered, went through a lot of crap, and now it's at least close to being over. It's been a LONG year and in no way has it been easy. I'm not sure what I learned this year or what I was supposed to get out of it, but maybe there will be some follow-up in my 23rd year. Come a month from now this blog will be "My life at 23" (unless I think of something a little more witty). Let's hope this year goes a little better.

This was a bad idea

Remind me not to go to functions with set menus.

I know if I was one of those crazy Elisabeth Hasselbeck types who doesn't let the bread basket pass her plate for fear of gluten cross-contamination then I would have snagged a waiter to take me back to the kitchen to explain to the chef that,

Me: "Hi, I am allergic to both gluten and dairy, do you have anything on the menu I could have instead of the set menu?"

Chef: "Wow, um, well, both gluten and dairy? So no cheese?"

Me: "Nope, no cheese. Do have just like, maybe plain chicken with nothing on it? Or some sort of plain steamed veggies?"

Chef: "Um, let me see. [blank stare for about a minute followed by himming and hawing] Wow, ya we'll figure something out."

So yes, I know that doesn't seem like all that difficult of a conversation, but when you have to go through that and more every time you go out of your house to eat, it becomes a little waring. You see, what is not included in the dialogue above is all the frustration and anxiety in my head and the over-analizing of everything placed before my plate. It's dumb, I know. Hence the blog title.

Speaking of which, there are a lot of dumb things that go along with being gluten-free. Let's name a few:

1. It's DUMB that I didn't become allergic to gluten and dairy until I turned 20.

2. It's DUMB that I can no longer eat family favorite recipes (i.e. Texas Sheet Cake, Spinach Casserole-although I'm sure anything with "Spinach" related to any sort of casserole is what actually sounds dumb to most of you-pumpkin pie, and lasagna just to name a few).

3. It's DUMB how difficult it is to go out to eat.

4. It's DUMB that I cannot appreciate free food anymore because I can't eat most/all of it.

5. It's DUMB that I cannot lick the bowl anymore.

6. It's DUMB that I have become a wine connoisseur of sorts when it comes to baking (as in, I put it in my mouth to ensure I'm not poisoning others with awful food only to spit it out and wash my mouth out).

7. It's DUMB that I cannot eat pizza when that's the only food available to consume (Z-Pizza's gluten free-soy pizza is JUST not the same).

8. It's DUMB I will not be able to enjoy the feast at the wedding I will be in come November.

9. Speaking of November, it's DUMB that I now have to make a a gluten-free, dairy-free version of everything I want to eat on Thanksgiving just for me.

10.It's DUMB that food consumes my life as much as it does.

There are plenty of more DUMB things about being GFDF, but that will do for now. I hate to overwhelm you with my bitterness.

Back to my original story now. Without getting into detail, I left the table with a twice-my-normal-size-bloated-belly still wanting to be fed. Thankfully I had snacks to tide me over, but when it's 9:00pm and you haven't eaten a meal since 12pm, that doesn't help the situation either.

I'm home now. And after a long night's rest (although perhaps not long enough), I'm feeling mostly normal. Let's hope it doesn't hit my again later tonight, but for the moment I can't complain. OK, I know this whole post is basically one long complaint, but you get my drift. At least I know for SURE that I am allergic to gluten and dairy. Not that I questioned it before (I actually did) but somewhere in the back of my head I am still convinced I've made this all up. Other peoples' dirty looks don't help either.

P.S.

It's DUMB that I take as many digestive enzymes as a woman in her 90's trying to ensure she has a good BM once a week. I'm still thankful to have one a day.

18 months

I must admit (and it's quite obvious) that I don't blog much about my gluten intolerance. It's been a long battle this last year and a half that I sort of put on the back burner. It's not that I don't follow a gluten free AND dairy free lifestyle, but it's not something I put much time into. I eat food I can eat, don't go out as easily as I used to, and go on with life.

Going gluten free has been a HUGE inconvenience. I am thankful, 18 months later, to not deal with many stomachaches any more, perhaps one every two weeks, and not nearly as painful as they used to be. Whatever stomach pains I have now I associate more so with stress, anxiety, and the IBS I will perhaps forever struggle with.

In the last 18 months I graduated from college, moved, got a new "real" job, and survived my first year out of school. It's been a hellish year, but I am on the back end of it now, I hope. All that being said, I didn't have much energy to put into being creative with my diet or experimenting with new recipes or ingredients.

I realized this was especially true when at a celebratory dinner the other night a friend/co-worker revealed to another co-worker, "she eats tuna sandwiches on rice cakes!" To which I cringed at the thought. I eat some weird things and sadly am ashamed of most of them! Sure, I have always had some odd eating habits (thanks mom), but it's only gotten worse since going gluten free.

So what do I miss about gluten?

I miss the ease of making a sandwich for lunch, eating at Subway, baking cookies that don't melt over the entire pan, holiday goodies, Saturday morning pancakes, Texas Sheet Cake, eating out without modifying the menu, pizza, burgers with buns, not drawing attention to myself for what I eat, not having to think about the food I am about to put in my mouth, and free food provided by special events. The list goes on, believe me.

But to be honest, it's not that bad anymore. I have found a variety of restaurants that cater to my food issues and most the people around me understand my issues and trust my judgement. 18 months later I am finally feeling mostly OK, and believe me, that is a HUGE relief! I don't feel perfect all the time, but who actually does these days? Over caffeination, extreme servings or fat, sugar, and sodium along with diet soda, eating while driving/running/standing, consuming portions too big for any human make it quite easy to suffer from occasional digestive discomfort.

All that rambling to say I have GOT to start making more of an effort with my diet. It's about time I remember to enjoy what I consume through that pie hole in my face.

Blank Stares

Tonight I hosted and led my 8th grade girls small group with little success. OK, that's an understatement. The girls are great, they had fun eating, destroying my home and making themselves more than comfortable, but the problem lies when we actually get to the Bible. Blank stares. That's all I got. Blank stares. It seriously felt like pulling teeth to get anything out of them. Half way through I did not even know where I was going anymore. Whatever train of thought I had writing the lesson went out the window as I got stared down by all those beady eyes looking down on me.

Better luck next week?

Pet Peeve

I think it is incredibly rude to cut people off in the middle of their sentence. It is especially rude to never acknowledge your criminal offense nor go back to their original statement.

Why do I think it is rude do you ask?

It is rude because it implies that you don't actually care what I have to say.

It is rude because it tells me you think what you have to say is more important.

It is rude because it shows you are impatient.

It is rude because it implies you have all the answers and don't care to know what I think.

It is rude because it disrupts my train of thought.

It is rude because it brings the conversation back to you and your thoughts.

It is rude because it drives me insane.

It is rude because it hurts my feelings.

Being cut off implies the other person was never listening to you in the first place. Even when "quietly" paying attention to you they are never really paying attention because the only thing they can think of is what they plan to say next. I cannot say I have never done this before as it is is easy to do, it is part of conversation. But I can pat myself on the back for trying very hard not to cut others off, almost always letting others get a word in edgewise, and regularly reverting conversations back to let others finish their thoughts. Toot, toot. There went my horn.

This lack of etiquette makes me appreciate the great friends in life who try their best NOT to cut you off, but when they do, always make a point to redirect the conversation to its original direction. I have a close friend who is very good about doing this. To this friend I say THANK YOU. You remind me that some people really are aware of their actions and care about the person they are talking to. It is NOT all about you.

If you are going to cut someone off, do it on the road-at least you'll never be face to face with that person.

Yet again...

...I find that it is very tricky to have a weekend off! I guess it's kind of like planning a wedding and then having to plan on another person executing all your plans on the day of. As a "coordinator" you are a wealth of knowledge that no one else is in the loop on-unless you prepare them. It can be difficult, but it is also something I am getting better at. The best I can do is communicate what I know in the simplest terms possible. Maybe it's that I am a control freak, or maybe it's that I don't want to lose my job. O.K., maybe I am being dramatic again, but it's a valid fear when all goes to the crapper when you're not there...especially when it's happened before.

Thankfully I have great volunteers who are more than capable to step in, up, and get all over it! They see the need, and are getting better each week at being proactive versus reactive. Shoot, I am trying to get better about that too.

All that to say, I have this weekend off with no plans. This is weird...I am not quite sure what to do with myself. This is not normal for me. Let's hope I don't freeze in the freedom like a caged bird.

Travels with Moses

One of the perks of working at a church, at working in Children's ministry, is that it is not uncommon to come across some fabulous curriculum, games, toys, crafts, pictures...you name it and it's got to be fabulous.

Well, last week, in the chaos of pre-vacation preparation, along with a few co-workers came across a pretty fabulous Moses action figure. Yes, action figure. Not only does he have functioning limbs and hand, but he also lists the 10 commandments at the push of a button. Well, it was too good to pass up, so Moses has now become our own version of Flat-Stanley (I don't actually know who or what this is but apparently everyone else does) or traveling Gnome.

So, here is the start of Moses' adventures out of the Old Testament. Please enjoy and think of what great places you might also want to take Moses.

Travels with Moses: Denver, Colorado 2009

Moses at Garden of the God

Garden of the Gods

My purse

Cracker Barrel

Relaxing at Cracker Barrel

The over-turned car

IN the over-turned car

With Aiden

...more adventures to come :)

2 Epiphanies, 1 Day

I recently learned a few things about life. One was more of a shocker than the other, but here goes...

1. Preparing to take time off from work takes just as much time as the time you would actually put in during that time off. I know, I know, I have heard this all my life, but only recently did that statement come to resonate with me.

A few months ago I scheduled to take one weekday off of work and one Saturday service, which accumulates to about 12 hours of work-a day and a half. Easier said than done. In general preparing to take a weekend day off can be quite stressful, especially when something "special" is going on at church. You just never know what will effect your numbers, and you definitely can never prepare enough for the volunteers who will inevitably not show up. So that, coupled with the kick-off of our newly structured mid-week program created for an interesting, be it, busy week...with a few in-office tears. Man, I have got to cut back on those!

After a grueling (OK, maybe an over-exaggeration) 12 hour long day on Tuesday I am supposed to, and usually do, enjoy my 1/2 day Wednesday where I leave by 1 or 2pm. This Wednesday was not so joyous. I got through the meetings, through the e-mails, through the in-office tasks to be done, only to rush to San Diego to jump back on the computer to complete a mess of e-mails, finish the activity for a lesson, send out the all-important volunteer e-mail, change my voicemail to say I will be out of the office, turn on my out-of-office reply on my e-mail and who knows what else. Finally come 12am and it's time for bed. Phew. Oh, and this was after staying up Tuesday night "post-work" to label and stuff 250 parent letters. I love my job, I love my job.

Long story short, I made it to vacation, with most if not all my ducks in a row. Maybe a slightly angled row, but a row nonetheless. And as far as I know thus far, none of my ducks have been shot.

2. Just because as a child you dealt with a lot of unnecessary, difficult crap, that does not necessarily mean you are ahead of the game as an adult; you're 20's are your 20's no matter your family, your race, gender, religion, location, or your upbringing.

20's are difficult. I am more confident and opinionated in some areas while totally confused in others. I am too responsible yet not responsible enough. I am living the life while stressing through most of it. I, I, I....it's all about me. Is that what your 20's are for?

Just because my dad this or my mom that, just because I moved here, there, and everywhere, just because I did not have this or get to celebrate that, I am not better off than anyone else. I have struggles like everyone else. Some of them look the same, others more unique.

I guess these new realities prove that I am an adult and that I am growing up. These are the growing pains that hurt. These are the pains I'd do O.K. without. If only it were a choice...is it?

P.S. Did you know the term "epiphany" actually refers to Christ's revelation to the Gentiles by the Magi (Matthew 2:1-12)? It also refers to the Christian celebration of this event which is celebrated on January 6th.

Over it

I decided this morning, like, three seconds ago, that it's time to get over the melodrama of being 22. So what? I am 22, I am not remotely close to perfect, but who the crap is? No, I don't have some ridiculously fabulous life, but I have MY life, and I really can't complain. I have income, a great place to live in a place people vacation in, and I have my whole life ahead of me! No more beating myself up, no more complaining about this or that. It's been a long, hard year, but like my mom says, "nothing good or bad lasts forever." And this "bad" is about to be over with.

I just finished "Waiter Rant" by The Waiter, which is surprising considering I started it just a few days ago. The Waiter became a, well, a waiter in his late 30's after losing a number of jobs, er', careers. It was meant to be a temporary thing, but 7 years later here he is, manager of a high end, well known restaurant in New York City. This was not the life he planned on living. So the waiter begins hating his job: the customers, employees, boss, the lifestyle...and yadda, yadda, yadda. Long story short The Waiter starts a blog (Waiter Rant), gets a book deal, goes on Oprah, and now here I am, reading his book and writing this blog. I'm thinking, "I like to write, I'd love to write a book, or rather children's books, but will I have to endure 20 years of failure and hating my life before I get there?"

Not more than 24 hours later and I am almost finished with "LA Candy" by Lauren Conrad. Yes, the Lauren Conrad we've all come to love (?) on "The Hills." Three, no, two pages in I realize what I've gotten myself into. Really? Lauren got a book deal for this? Ok, ok, I'm smart enough to know she got the book deal beacuse of her celebrity, but still. Talk about dichotomy. There's The Waiter, who pretty much failed at everything besides waiting tables, and even by the end he was pretty much sucking at that too. And then there is Lauren. Plucked right out of Laguna Beach High School from the parking lot (or so I here), shot to fame as a cheated on high school sweetheart, move to LA, "reality" show fame hits, and BAM: fame, a little fortune, clothing line (even if it is failing), and a BOOK deal? Come on. She's got to be no more than 24. Part of me has to absolutely commend her for taking hold of opportunities that fell in her lap, but the other part of me says, come' on! If she can write a book, God willing I can to. And I can do a lot of other things too.

So there is The Waiter who sucked at life, got stuck in a job he had a love/hate relationship with and then there is Lauren. "Discovered" in her high school parking lot and shot to fame by MTV "reality". Both end up with book deals. Both end up in a place they never dreamed of. Both end up with fame, fortune, and ultimately a career they are in love with (hopefully). I can do it too, right? Now what was it I wanted to be when I grow up again?

OK, maybe I am being naive. Maybe they hate their jobs. Maybe they hate their lives. Either way they are on their way. I am too, just on a very different path. And I can't wait to see where I end up.

Hair yesterday, gone today.

Change. Change is a good thing. And if it's not good at least it means something is different.

As a little girl I usually spent all school year growing my hair, not paying much attention to it other than which side of my head the pony should go on. But then summer would roll around an I knew it was time for a good chop!

So there I went to the salon of a family friend. $1 for every year of life to get my hair cut. A few minutes and a pony tail or braid of hair later I was free! I lived the freedom it brought; the feel of bluntly cut pieces resting on my neck, the inability to put it back. Smooth layers and nothing much to care for.

I had a similar experience today. 15 years later I still do the same thing. Grow it out only to chop it off! What can I say? I like change, ease, and not to mention a little drama. Can't beat change.

Best part!

I was at work today looking for pictures from an event just last week, and happened to come across a few pictures that I love, and here they are!

It's easy to say that baptizing kids is one of the best parts of my job. Even better is when a child actually asks for you to baptize them! What more flattering thing can a kid ask you to do? Just knowing they think you have impacted them that much or been that steady/influential in their life means the world to me. These pictures were from the VBS baptism, but I also have the honor of baptizing a co-workers daughter this weekend, also someone who chose me to baptize them. Even when work can be difficult or stressful, it's pitcures like this that bring me back to a moment and remind me why I do what I do.

Beach Camp

OK, I must admit I am currently exhausted. I cannot say why, unless I over-exerted myself at the craft fair this afternoon (highly unlikely) even considering the length of time and number of wrong turns it took us to get there. I mention this only because I really should be going to bed right now. Not only do I have kiddos waiting for me tomorrow morning (yet sadly few leaders) bright and early, but I will also be leaving for beach camp! I am excited to spend a week away and get to spend it with great friends, leaders, and young girls that I hope to bond with. What am I NOT excited about? Food.

It's sad, I know. Food is usually more of a hobby for me than anything else. But this is one adventure I have yet to break into. I've camped before and I have even been to camp sans gluten and dairy. However, I have never combined actual camping with my new GFDF lifestyle. Kindly M offered to reimburse whatever food I had to purchase for the trip, but sadly that did not make the purchasing or planning part of it much easier!

There I sat on my living room floor, surrounded by cans of this or that, a bag of rice cakes, a few apples, and plenty of pre-packaged energy bars (amongst a few other items). The question(s) remain: what do I eat? when do I eat it? how do I draw the least amount of attention to myself? and how will I feel full while getting adequate nutrients?

I had (slim) hopes that I would be able to work somewhat around what the girls' menu would be for the week, but quickly that dream was squelched. Hot dogs and chili. Those are the two meals I can work with. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for those. I am thankful this is not the first adventure I am going on with food issues, thankful I have a supportive group of people that "understand" my problems, and thankful I have (sort of) means to take care of myself throughout the week. This is and will be one for the books.

If you are wondering what a GFDF person might purchase in preparation for beach camping (which I am sure you are), read below:

Tuna
Green Beans
Re-fried Beans
Corn
Peanut Butter
Rice Cakes
Turkey
Z-bars
Luna Bars
Trail Mix
Apples
Applesauce
Soup
Bagged Lettuce

Exciting, right? I feel like these are the sort of ingredients you might find on an episode of "Chopped" where top chefs are challenged to create 4-star courses with a selection of fresh, processed, canned, and otherwise inedible ingredients. If only I were so talents. Who knows. Maybe I will surprise myself, although that might be asking too much. At this point my goal is primarily to eat and not be noticed, not have to explain 32 different times (how many people will be there) why I am not eating what everyone else is. Well, since I am number 32, I guess that only makes 31 people to answer to. Joy.

I'll have to keep you posted on how this goes. Somehow I don't see this so much as a "Bear Hunt" as I do a killer whale to be reckoned with. Let's hope I don't pull a Jonah.

VBS 2009

To see what's been going on lately check out www.marinerschurch.org/vbs and enjoy.

Don't Panic

This is clearly something I do well. Interestingly I generally only do it in the planning stages and not so much in the moment. I don't think one way is better than the other, but I do know that this week I need to utilize my calm face. Unfortunately I tend to wear my strewed face without even knowing it. That must come from being an introvert--at least partially.

I just recieved a very last minute portion of our missions station at VBS. Thankfully it is here, it is exactly what it needs to be, and it is everything I had hoped for. However I had I laugh when I set my iPod to shuffle on "Coldplay" and the first songto play was "Don't Panic." oh the irony.

There are still details to be finalized but we are headed to the right direction. Phew. VBS is almost together despite all the detours and warfare (which, yes I think is real and no, I would never say that lightly). I can't wait for the end of by first day, for the end of the week, for the end of my first year. I am SO ready for year two. Can't wait to do it over again and with a year behind me. Now I cab actually speak from experience! I am also SO defy for having a social life again. So ready to men broken or bent friendhips. It's about time to work out my priorities.

But don't fret. I promise not to panic.

Not Me Monday!

After reading through a few other "Not Me" posts, I couldn't help but write one of my own, especially after a day like today--a Tuesday. But nevertheless I have more than enough Not Me moments to document. My only hope is that revealing my Not Me moments will be theraputic and bring a little light-heartedness to an otherwise overwhelming time.

So here goes. I'll start from the beginning.

I did not have a meltdown with a co-worker last week.

I did not spend 2-3 hours working on VBS while babysitting Co. I certainly did not follow that by working an additional 8-1o hours on top of my normal work weekend of 8-10 hours.

I did not have another meltdown today in front of 2 directors, the associate children's pastor, and 3 other co-workers today. I did not cry away all my make-up. I did not then have to present the missions station in front of 200 people.

I did not take away a volunteer's responsibility, and I definitely don't think she was offended or frustrated by it. I also do not think I have lost her as a friend. Or at least her support as a future volunteer.

I, at 22, would never, and did not call my mom twice today on my last nerve to share my incredible frustration.

I have certainly not been ignoring the Kindergarten script for VBS.

I did not come home only to wash away my sorrows with a glass of wine, chocolate chip cookie, and 97% fat free hot dog with ketchup.

My boss did absolutely did not call to offer her apologies for all my frustrations as well as the help of a co-worker over the next few days.

Deliciousness

Much to my surprise I actually made something gluten free that resembled normal food!


I figure since this blog was originally intended to document not just my life but also my successes and failures the gluten free (and dairy free) lifestyle, I might as well start including some of my experiences!

GFDF Ebilskivers w/ Berry-Rum Filling*

http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/cw444/index.cfm?pkey=xsrd0m1%7C16%7C%7C%7C0%7C%7C%7C%7C%7C%7C%7Cebilskiver&cm%5Fsrc=SCH

Ingredients
(Batter)

1 package Trader Joe's Gluten Free Pancake and Waffle Mix
3 eggs
1/4 c soy creamer
1 c unsweetened almond milk
3 tsp vegetable oil


(Berry-Rum Filling)
2 c frozen berries
1/4 c sugar
1/4 c dark rum

*Filled Pancakes

Directions:

Combine eggs, soy creamer, almond milk, and vegtable oil in a medium size mixing bowl. Slowly whisk together with electric mixer, then build speed until foamy (about 3 minutes). Mixture should appear slightly thicker and foamier on top.

Add wet ingredients to dry pancake and waffle mix. Stir slowly to combine; do not overmix. Batter will appear lumpy.

Meanwhile, in a small saucepan combine frozen berries, sugar, and rum. Combine and let simmer over medium heat until turns into consistency of runny jam. Turn off and let cool while filling thickens.

To make ebelskivers heat appropriate pan over medium heat. Spray pan with cooking spray or dab of vegetable shortening. Drop 1-2 tablelspoons of batter into each hole. Immediately drop 1/2 teaspoon of berry filling into center of ebelskiver. Most of the spread will sink to the center of batter. After 1 minutes (or until batter puffs up to almost 1 1/2 its orignial size) turn ebelskivers over using 2 wooden skewers. Allow 1 minutes for batter to cook then remove from pan using spooon. Be careful not to scratch pan if using a metal spoon.

Sprinkle with powdered sugar. Ebelskivers can also be made with no filling. Instead top as desired with traditional pancake toppings.


Enjoy!

Almost There

Each day brings me closer a closer to my one year anniversary of starting my first full time job out of college. The one year mark of graduation has already come and gone. I cannot say time is flying by because to be completely honest I must admit this has been a long and hard year. I wonder what, if anything, could have better prepared me for all that I have gone through but doubt there is anything. This year life happened. I don't think I am at the point of being able to say that I have no regrets or that I would not have changed anything because of all the great life lessons I have learned. In time I do hope to have those feelings. In time I hope to look back on this year and reflect on how much I learned about myself. But at this point I am still living this first year; I am still a part of it. It hurts, but I cannot say it's all bad. However, I also cannot lie and say I've loved it or even liked a good portion of it. I have gained new friendships and made lasting memories. Part of me thinks I will remeber this year more than many in the years to come or those that have already passed. Either that or I will subconsiously block it out.

Panic Attack

Well, it was bound to happen eventually, right? And probably the worst part of it was that I was in the car.

I have sat through panic attacks with other people, even taken them to the emergency room before. Before a wedding, in the midst of the chaos of college life and a first apartment. These are all "good" reasons to have a panic attack. I suppose I can now add mine to that list.

It all began as I exited the Angels vs. Red Sox game out of the parking lot. Actually, no. Let's backtrack a little. The last two days I spent time at home in San Diego with my family doing mostly a whole lot of nothing. The kind of nothing that is supposed to be relaxing, but ultimately caused me a lot of internal turmoil and anxiety as I stewed in the emotion of all the things I had left unfinished at work (including a Sunday off ran by volunteers and a fill-in staff member). So there are two days of build up right there. Then, on our way (my brother-in-law and I) to the game we ended up in very mind-numbing traffic due in part to Memorial Day weekend and bad driving. Between the time spent thinking and the tension of being stuck in traffic--there is another hour of anxiety. (Are you beginning to see the numbers adding up?)

Which brings me to the game. Angels are in the hole from the second inning on. By the end of the game the score was 17-3: Red Sox. Clearly there was not a whole lot going on to be cheering about or engaged in, so there are another three hours of anxiety, dreading tomorrow and stewing, once again, in the emotion of all that needs to be done.

We exited the game following the fireworks display only to begin the search for my car. I got us in the direction of my car although not quite to its actual location. Soon enough we found my car and said my goodbyes with hugs and kisses just before getting final directions home. Turn LEFT out of the stadium, then get on the 5 South to the 55 South and then, "you'll be fine from there." I turned LEFT, and ended up somewhere in Orange, by myself with bad lighting, poor night vision, side streets galore, and a plethora of street names that sounded all too familiar. Finally I decided to turn around in hopes that if I went the direction that turning RIGHT would have taken me out of the Stadium, then surely I would find the 5 South. I did it. I found the 5 South and was on my merry way. But this was the last straw.

My anxiety began to build the closer I got to home base. I made it all but 3 minutes to home before the panic attach burst its way in. OK, deep breathing, heavy chest (here lies the reference to "an elephant on my chest"), burning chest, unfocused vision, poor motor skills as I pulled into the gate. Now I am fed up. I can't do this, I don't know what to do, what does this mean? What IS an anxiety attack and what have I done to cause it? Since I know anxiety attacks are mental (or at least not worth a doctor's care) I think I can assume that they are a sort of cry for help from your mind and body. It's your body saying "STOP!" But how do I do that? I am really not very good at saying "No."

What I do know is that although the panic attack was shortlived, I think it will have a lasting call or effect on me. Something must change. Something is not right.

Blame the Economy

I recently read a past post regarding all the things on my mind when I came across a statement that I made. The statement goes something like this, "I am only 22. How much can I expect from myself? But at the same time, how long can I keep using that excuse?" Well, I don't know how long I can use that particular excuse to rationalize my failures, but that's not to say I cannot blame the economy for my failures. And not just financial failures.

For example, this past weekend my grandma (who I had not seen in who knows how long) made a comment about the difficulties of me getting home to visit family in San Diego and the problem being the cost of gas. Sure, gas is pricey, but a heck of a lot cheaper than it was last summer. Let's be real for a moment. The reason I don't get home very often is because I have a crappy work schedule and on my day off I work. I think I might need to go to OWA (Over-Workers Anonymous...if only it existed).

However, what does is exist is the fear of the economy wrecking every part of our lives. The reality of it though is that I am 22. I am just out of college in my first "real" job. I was lucky to get a job in the first place, especially right out of school with such a great organization. But because of my age and income bracket, I did really have much to lose. Actually, I had nothing to lose. I currently have more now than I did before the economy collapsed (recession, depression, whatever you want to call it). If anything I still have hope that living through these "tough economic times" will teach me something about saving money and taking care of my finances more carefully so that someday I am loaded. But I suppose if I have not learned that lesson by now, then it may just be a lost cause.

Anyways. Now, you may be wondering where this idea came from. I have actually heard it from two people, the first of which was an educated college graduate in a similar boat as myself. On a recent trip to San Francisco on a birthday excursion I ended up at a bar with a few mutual friends originally from the east coast. While most of these people were a little on the dull side (one friend actually went back to his hotel after dinner to pick up a book to bring with him to read at the bar) I ended up having a conversation with one of the girls. Again, this is an educated, well brought up girl, likely from money. As we chatted about being young and probably a little irresponsible, she simply said, "Who cares!? Just blame the economy."

The second person I heard this from was a very well respected pastor at a leadership conference I recently attended. Same idea, different voice. So now I have this advice coming from both a secular college graduate and a respected, conservative pastor. Well in that case...

Therefore, I give myself free reign (and you too) to blame the economy for everything. Your cat died? It's the economy. You got a flat tire? The economy. Overdrew your checking account and late on your credit card payment? Definitely the economy's fault.

Go in peace and screw the economy! It sure screwed you!

List: A Mini Update

So, I suppose it has been a while since I last posted anything. I am not quite sure what has kept me from taking the time to update, but there always seems to be something that gets in the way. Or maybe it's that I put something in the way. Either way, it's been a while.

My mini update would be this:

1. I finished the last of my 4/5 grade events at church for the year with much unexpected chaos.
2. I have three days off this week!
3. I have been much more social lately, but I am currently paying for it.
4. Two of my good friends (with baby in tow) have been in town this week--so much fun!
5. I am anxiously awaiting going home next weekend to see my family.
6. I am hoping to purchase some plane tickets soon....so many places to go!
7. My hair is finally getting noticeably long...1/2 way to accomplishing my New Year's resolution for 2009, and it's only May!
8. This morning I contemplated joining the Peace Corps.
9. When bombarded by life, I crave silence.
10. One month until baby Aiden Hawk is born :)
11. I am SO excited for summer! I am really looking forward to some additional free time and outdoor activities!
12. I tend to need my space this week.
13. No more Bear!
14. Something very exciting and long overdue finally appeared this week!

Not to say that nothing more is going on, but those are the things immediately on my mind. Now I am hopefully free to post on actual interesting topics.

Until next time...

Life is Hard

22 has not been all it's cracked up to be. I am exhausted, burned out, stressed out, overwhelmed, and pretty much feel like I suck at life all the time. It's different than being depressed though. I don't feel depressed because there are also really fun times. My life right now feels like a lot of extreme highs and lows. When all is said and done, I am just done. I have no energy to think or do anything.

I have hope that my second year out of school and in the "real" world (of the O.C. of course) is easier, or at least that I am more prepared for it. I just feel like I have had a slap in the face this year. And it stings.

I made it!

I can't believe it's already been a week since we left for camp! Just one week ago I was panicking to get everything ready to go, get organized, get packed, and all while trying to stay sane! Well, I don't know how well I accomplished that, but the weekend happened without much of a hitch! A broken down bus and a few crazy med schedules, but other than that, it was a great weekend!

There are a few things that stand out to me about camp:

1) I got to know some of the kids in a new light. This is something I don't feel I get a chance to do on weekends since I am usually running around like a crazy person. Although this is unfortunate, I have to remember that our goal is to feed into our leaders who can feed into our kids. But the minister in me can't help but want to know and understand our kids and where they're at. Which brings me to something else I love about camp.

2) It was so encouraging to know that the theme and verse we were called to way back in phase 1 of planning really was/is where our kids are at. This year's verse, Psalm 18:2a, talks about God as our rock and foundation, that he is our safe place. In these crazy times our kids need to know that regardless of circumstances, God is our safe place and we mus make him the foundation of every aspect of our life.

3) Added benefit of camp: getting to hang out and know my co-workers on a different level and in a different context. As always, going away with people and spending time with them in a new place tends to bring out the best and worst of people, and ultimately brings you closer together. I love being part of a team that understands me for me. No, they don't totally get me yet, but in time, I am faithful that they will.

And finally, I didn't get sick! I brought all my own food, and although it was really difficult to find the time to eat and/or get my own food together, it was well worth the hassle that being sick can cause. Sure, everyone asks you about what you are eating and why you are eating it, but I must admit it is all worth it when you can say that you made it through a weekend away without serious cramping, bloating, and general digestive discomfort. However, I must also admit how frustrating it was to have to constantly explain myself. I am not one to bring attention to myself, but my situation tends to do that. While one person commenting on my food or asking me about it may not seem like a big deal to them, it does make a big deal to me. Why? Because it's not just one person asking me about my situation, everyone asks me about it. I cannot blame them though. I would be curious too. Let's be honest, I still am curious.

We had one 5th grade girl with potentially serious food allergies (possible induced by her mother) who also came to camp with her own food. I could not help but snoop through her cooler and dried goods to see what she eats, perhaps in hopes that I would have some new epiphany or discover a new GFDF food I was not aware of. But, much to my ado, I found the very same foods I already eat. However I did discover that this child eat an absurd amount of beef. Beef and dried fruit. Lord only knows how the girl goes to the bathroom.

So, in a nutshell, that was camp. I made it. I survived. And in the end, I loved almost every minute of it. I am also incredibly relieved the weekend is over with for another year.

I'm a little sad...

Guess what!? We got a puppy! Well, D, my roommate, got a puppy, currently and most likely permanently named "Bear." I am super excited about this new addition, especially since he is just the cutest little bugger ever! And so far he is quite well-tempered. I know he is not "mine" but it is still fun to have a new addition to the house, and I am sure I will have plenty of time to play and take care of him over time.

So why am I sad? You see, we were initially going out to get me a bunny. I know it is a silly animal to purchase, and maybe a little weird by some standard, but I grew up owning bunnies, so it seemed like a fun idea. I know they can be a lot of work, but I also just felt the need to be impulsive. Anyways, I was not overly impressed by the bunny selection at the first store, which also happened to be the place we found Bear. So, after buying Bear we moved on to the next pet store...and then the next, and then the next. Apparently people just do not feel the need to provide a good bunny selection (if any) in the O.C.!

After getting a bite to eat (with Bear in tow in D's purse...yes, he is that tiny) we headed off to our fourth and final pet store. However, as we sat reviewing our menu choices, I could not help but feel a little "one-upped." I know it seems silly, but I am guessing, just guessing, that it has something to do with my Youngest-Child-Syndrome. Now don't get me wrong, I love Bear and am so excited to have him, but I am still feeling a little "Penelopied,"--you know, that skit on SNL with Penelope who is the official "one-upper"?

http://videos.humpingfrog.com/18632/2007/06/penelope-skit-on-snl.html

Well, anyways, basically it comes down to me having a moment of impulse that I didn't get to act on although I was totally willing, and then getting overshadowed by the excitement of an expensive, precious, sweet little puppy that I just knew everyone would love. I mean, who really thinks a bunny is more exciting than a puppy? Sadly, I might be over it--the bunny I mean. I don't want to be, but I think I am. And it makes me a little sad...

In the nick of time...

Just when you think you can't take one more step, God seems to intervene in unexpected ways. Tonight we celebrated Global Outreach Weekend (GO) and not only was I fully entertained by a great program, but it was such a relief to really feel like we made the night happen as a team. Amongst all the chaos, confusion, and inaccurate clocks God made it happen. The message was relayed (or so I hope) and we had a great opportunity to open our eyes and hearts to new concepts and people. For once in a long time I did not feel like I was doing it totally on my own. We are all in this together, all working towards the same goal.

Then, in the middle of it all, some of my biggest fears were squashed by people unaware of my current struggles. Thank you God for knowing when to step in. Thank you so such supportive staff and encouraging brothers and sisters in Christ.

Yes, I still have fears and my list still feels infinite, but at least in this moment, I have hope. Hope that will hopefully last.

Time is of the Essence

Do you ever feel like you just cannot quite keep up with life? OK, dumb question. Who does NOT feel like that? If you're out there, please let me in on your dirty little secret.

I am a "yes-person." Yes, I will do this ridiculous task for you, yes, I will "put it on my tab," yes, I will be there, yes, I will hold myself to somewhat ridiculous standards at times, yes, I will go on this errand for you, yes I will take care of this or be on top of that. The real question is, what do I actually say no to? I say no to going out with friends, I say no to baby-sitting when I am scheduled to work, I say no to gluten and dairy-laced foods, I say no to my family, and no to reading my Bible.

I am not the girl who wants to complain for attention or claims that my life is SO much more difficult than yours, but right now it just sucks. Sure, there are perks to being 22 and I love them, but I am currently battling life after college, life after 16+ years of being in school. School is all I have known and although I relieved to have graduated, this new life is harder than I thought it would be. Wow, that takes a lot to admit. Moving on...

Now that I've admitted that, I might as well admit the other things going on in my head that I am not so good at revealing out of fear that no one really cares:

• Losing my job because of the economy
• How I will survive after I lose my job
• Doing my job really well (i.e. Winter Camp, VBS, weekends....)
• Cleaning my house
• Eating food that will not make me sick
• Finding "The One"
• How I will ever manage to take a weekend off
• Having a social life
• Being part of a small group
• Leading my small group
• Not burning myself out
• Reading my Bible
• How I will get to Italy to visit Katherine
• If I will make it to Peru post-VBS
• How I will get to North Carolina to visit Lindsay
• How I will get to Kansas to visit Jenna
• Finishing (starting) my taxes
• Paying back student loans-on time
• Saving long-term
• Maintaining friendships
• That the filming I did on Thursday for Winter Camp is funny and NOT embarrassing
• That I get to spend time with my nieces and nephew
• Starting new hobbies or at least picking up the ones I left off when I left for college
• Being a good example/role model
• Exercising
• Maintaining my weight
• Reading more
• Not stressing out
• Finishing all my 75% read books
• Decorating my house
• Not spending too much money decorating my house
• Wanting new clothes but trying to work with what I have
• Finding that check I need to deposit
• Keeping up with bills

Some seem big, some seem small, but any list this long could (and does) seem daunting. I can only do so much and I'm only 22. But at what point can I not use that excuse anymore? At what point will I see all these things fall into place? Tomorrow is a new day, and as a matter of fact, today is still young.