Panic Attack

Well, it was bound to happen eventually, right? And probably the worst part of it was that I was in the car.

I have sat through panic attacks with other people, even taken them to the emergency room before. Before a wedding, in the midst of the chaos of college life and a first apartment. These are all "good" reasons to have a panic attack. I suppose I can now add mine to that list.

It all began as I exited the Angels vs. Red Sox game out of the parking lot. Actually, no. Let's backtrack a little. The last two days I spent time at home in San Diego with my family doing mostly a whole lot of nothing. The kind of nothing that is supposed to be relaxing, but ultimately caused me a lot of internal turmoil and anxiety as I stewed in the emotion of all the things I had left unfinished at work (including a Sunday off ran by volunteers and a fill-in staff member). So there are two days of build up right there. Then, on our way (my brother-in-law and I) to the game we ended up in very mind-numbing traffic due in part to Memorial Day weekend and bad driving. Between the time spent thinking and the tension of being stuck in traffic--there is another hour of anxiety. (Are you beginning to see the numbers adding up?)

Which brings me to the game. Angels are in the hole from the second inning on. By the end of the game the score was 17-3: Red Sox. Clearly there was not a whole lot going on to be cheering about or engaged in, so there are another three hours of anxiety, dreading tomorrow and stewing, once again, in the emotion of all that needs to be done.

We exited the game following the fireworks display only to begin the search for my car. I got us in the direction of my car although not quite to its actual location. Soon enough we found my car and said my goodbyes with hugs and kisses just before getting final directions home. Turn LEFT out of the stadium, then get on the 5 South to the 55 South and then, "you'll be fine from there." I turned LEFT, and ended up somewhere in Orange, by myself with bad lighting, poor night vision, side streets galore, and a plethora of street names that sounded all too familiar. Finally I decided to turn around in hopes that if I went the direction that turning RIGHT would have taken me out of the Stadium, then surely I would find the 5 South. I did it. I found the 5 South and was on my merry way. But this was the last straw.

My anxiety began to build the closer I got to home base. I made it all but 3 minutes to home before the panic attach burst its way in. OK, deep breathing, heavy chest (here lies the reference to "an elephant on my chest"), burning chest, unfocused vision, poor motor skills as I pulled into the gate. Now I am fed up. I can't do this, I don't know what to do, what does this mean? What IS an anxiety attack and what have I done to cause it? Since I know anxiety attacks are mental (or at least not worth a doctor's care) I think I can assume that they are a sort of cry for help from your mind and body. It's your body saying "STOP!" But how do I do that? I am really not very good at saying "No."

What I do know is that although the panic attack was shortlived, I think it will have a lasting call or effect on me. Something must change. Something is not right.