Almost There

Each day brings me closer a closer to my one year anniversary of starting my first full time job out of college. The one year mark of graduation has already come and gone. I cannot say time is flying by because to be completely honest I must admit this has been a long and hard year. I wonder what, if anything, could have better prepared me for all that I have gone through but doubt there is anything. This year life happened. I don't think I am at the point of being able to say that I have no regrets or that I would not have changed anything because of all the great life lessons I have learned. In time I do hope to have those feelings. In time I hope to look back on this year and reflect on how much I learned about myself. But at this point I am still living this first year; I am still a part of it. It hurts, but I cannot say it's all bad. However, I also cannot lie and say I've loved it or even liked a good portion of it. I have gained new friendships and made lasting memories. Part of me thinks I will remeber this year more than many in the years to come or those that have already passed. Either that or I will subconsiously block it out.

Panic Attack

Well, it was bound to happen eventually, right? And probably the worst part of it was that I was in the car.

I have sat through panic attacks with other people, even taken them to the emergency room before. Before a wedding, in the midst of the chaos of college life and a first apartment. These are all "good" reasons to have a panic attack. I suppose I can now add mine to that list.

It all began as I exited the Angels vs. Red Sox game out of the parking lot. Actually, no. Let's backtrack a little. The last two days I spent time at home in San Diego with my family doing mostly a whole lot of nothing. The kind of nothing that is supposed to be relaxing, but ultimately caused me a lot of internal turmoil and anxiety as I stewed in the emotion of all the things I had left unfinished at work (including a Sunday off ran by volunteers and a fill-in staff member). So there are two days of build up right there. Then, on our way (my brother-in-law and I) to the game we ended up in very mind-numbing traffic due in part to Memorial Day weekend and bad driving. Between the time spent thinking and the tension of being stuck in traffic--there is another hour of anxiety. (Are you beginning to see the numbers adding up?)

Which brings me to the game. Angels are in the hole from the second inning on. By the end of the game the score was 17-3: Red Sox. Clearly there was not a whole lot going on to be cheering about or engaged in, so there are another three hours of anxiety, dreading tomorrow and stewing, once again, in the emotion of all that needs to be done.

We exited the game following the fireworks display only to begin the search for my car. I got us in the direction of my car although not quite to its actual location. Soon enough we found my car and said my goodbyes with hugs and kisses just before getting final directions home. Turn LEFT out of the stadium, then get on the 5 South to the 55 South and then, "you'll be fine from there." I turned LEFT, and ended up somewhere in Orange, by myself with bad lighting, poor night vision, side streets galore, and a plethora of street names that sounded all too familiar. Finally I decided to turn around in hopes that if I went the direction that turning RIGHT would have taken me out of the Stadium, then surely I would find the 5 South. I did it. I found the 5 South and was on my merry way. But this was the last straw.

My anxiety began to build the closer I got to home base. I made it all but 3 minutes to home before the panic attach burst its way in. OK, deep breathing, heavy chest (here lies the reference to "an elephant on my chest"), burning chest, unfocused vision, poor motor skills as I pulled into the gate. Now I am fed up. I can't do this, I don't know what to do, what does this mean? What IS an anxiety attack and what have I done to cause it? Since I know anxiety attacks are mental (or at least not worth a doctor's care) I think I can assume that they are a sort of cry for help from your mind and body. It's your body saying "STOP!" But how do I do that? I am really not very good at saying "No."

What I do know is that although the panic attack was shortlived, I think it will have a lasting call or effect on me. Something must change. Something is not right.

Blame the Economy

I recently read a past post regarding all the things on my mind when I came across a statement that I made. The statement goes something like this, "I am only 22. How much can I expect from myself? But at the same time, how long can I keep using that excuse?" Well, I don't know how long I can use that particular excuse to rationalize my failures, but that's not to say I cannot blame the economy for my failures. And not just financial failures.

For example, this past weekend my grandma (who I had not seen in who knows how long) made a comment about the difficulties of me getting home to visit family in San Diego and the problem being the cost of gas. Sure, gas is pricey, but a heck of a lot cheaper than it was last summer. Let's be real for a moment. The reason I don't get home very often is because I have a crappy work schedule and on my day off I work. I think I might need to go to OWA (Over-Workers Anonymous...if only it existed).

However, what does is exist is the fear of the economy wrecking every part of our lives. The reality of it though is that I am 22. I am just out of college in my first "real" job. I was lucky to get a job in the first place, especially right out of school with such a great organization. But because of my age and income bracket, I did really have much to lose. Actually, I had nothing to lose. I currently have more now than I did before the economy collapsed (recession, depression, whatever you want to call it). If anything I still have hope that living through these "tough economic times" will teach me something about saving money and taking care of my finances more carefully so that someday I am loaded. But I suppose if I have not learned that lesson by now, then it may just be a lost cause.

Anyways. Now, you may be wondering where this idea came from. I have actually heard it from two people, the first of which was an educated college graduate in a similar boat as myself. On a recent trip to San Francisco on a birthday excursion I ended up at a bar with a few mutual friends originally from the east coast. While most of these people were a little on the dull side (one friend actually went back to his hotel after dinner to pick up a book to bring with him to read at the bar) I ended up having a conversation with one of the girls. Again, this is an educated, well brought up girl, likely from money. As we chatted about being young and probably a little irresponsible, she simply said, "Who cares!? Just blame the economy."

The second person I heard this from was a very well respected pastor at a leadership conference I recently attended. Same idea, different voice. So now I have this advice coming from both a secular college graduate and a respected, conservative pastor. Well in that case...

Therefore, I give myself free reign (and you too) to blame the economy for everything. Your cat died? It's the economy. You got a flat tire? The economy. Overdrew your checking account and late on your credit card payment? Definitely the economy's fault.

Go in peace and screw the economy! It sure screwed you!

List: A Mini Update

So, I suppose it has been a while since I last posted anything. I am not quite sure what has kept me from taking the time to update, but there always seems to be something that gets in the way. Or maybe it's that I put something in the way. Either way, it's been a while.

My mini update would be this:

1. I finished the last of my 4/5 grade events at church for the year with much unexpected chaos.
2. I have three days off this week!
3. I have been much more social lately, but I am currently paying for it.
4. Two of my good friends (with baby in tow) have been in town this week--so much fun!
5. I am anxiously awaiting going home next weekend to see my family.
6. I am hoping to purchase some plane tickets soon....so many places to go!
7. My hair is finally getting noticeably long...1/2 way to accomplishing my New Year's resolution for 2009, and it's only May!
8. This morning I contemplated joining the Peace Corps.
9. When bombarded by life, I crave silence.
10. One month until baby Aiden Hawk is born :)
11. I am SO excited for summer! I am really looking forward to some additional free time and outdoor activities!
12. I tend to need my space this week.
13. No more Bear!
14. Something very exciting and long overdue finally appeared this week!

Not to say that nothing more is going on, but those are the things immediately on my mind. Now I am hopefully free to post on actual interesting topics.

Until next time...