still

I’ve been waking up before the crack of dawn the last few days, and I’m pissed! This has happened before, but I’d really like to know the actual cause of my restlessness. So far, all I can conjure is that it’s because:

1. Those damn birds! That's exactly what I thought around 3am when I first heard them, and it’s what I thought when I woke up “officially” at 5am, It’s also what I am currently thinking, at precisely 5:47am. Apparently March brings Spring AND the birds that come with it. I should probably be more encouraged by the “awakening of spring” and the sound of birds chirping out my window, but I’m not. They are loud. Irritating. And should be shot.*
2. I love breakfast. But I ALWAYS love breakfast. Mind you, I think I’ve eaten the same thing for breakfast for the last 4 years, but something about it still gets me out of bed in the morning. Occasionally I go to bed thinking about it...and occasionally I switch it up. Either way, I love it, but it’s no reason to wake up before the crack of dawn.
3. Too much sleep. Is it really possible? Apparently so if I choose option “c” as my final answer to this rather annoying situation.
4. Too little food. This would be the second part to option "b". Still trying to figure this one out...
5. I gave up T.V. for lent. How does that have to do with anything you ask? Well, If it’s not the answer to my problem, it surely would be the solution to these early mornings. (See explanation below)

*OK, maybe not shot for real, but other options with the same end result welcome (peace and quiet).

Although I started lent a week late, I’m still attempting to take it seriously. "Seriously" in the sense that I am sticking to it as much as possible, debating if I will take Sundays off as in traditional lent. I’m not a “traditional” lenter. I did not grow up doing it, I did not understand the concept until recently, and to be honest, I previously associated it with Catholics, which I previously assumed were crazy (i.e. probably not really Christians). All that to say, I’ve practiced lent a few times in my adult life and this year is no different. Except that I am fasting T.V., which is actually really hard.

I love T.V. And when I say “love”, I mean it like a fat kid who loves cake...and watching T.V. while eating it. Prior to my birth, my family didn’t own a T.V. From my understanding, T.V. was practically sin in their book. Then they moved, I came along, and now I am making up for the years they spent without T.V. As a 2nd grader my sister broke her arm riding down a hill, on a bike, with no brakes (although she still blames the other girl who got in her way). “Do you want to come with us to the hospital, or stay at home with your brother?” asked my dad. Well of course I chose home. Why? To catch up on “The Simpsons” with my brother. Nor could you peel me away from any good Pauly Shore movie or quality 90’s cinema (Son-in-Law, Biodome, Mrs. Doubtfire, Encino Man, Empire Records...you know, the wholesome stuff). So, all that to say, I loved T.V., I love T.V., and I will always love T.V.

Back to lent and my early rising (no shining). If for lent you are supposed to give something up that you truly love, a vice, then T.V. is it for me. While I can’t say T.V. consumes my life, it’s definitely my fall-back way to relax, unwind, fill time, fold laundry, play Words with Friends, or the like. Now, 3 days into it, I’m enjoying the peace, quiet, and productivity of my new T.V. free life, but also blame it for waking up earlier. Why? Because I now get bored at night with nothing to do, so I get into bed, I get bored on the internet, can’t yet bring myself to read, catch up on Word with Friends, then fall asleep, early. Which means I wake up, early. Which means, I have time to write about it. Because I have nothing better to do at this un-godly hour.

Maybe I’m on a T.V. detox. Getting it out of my system, recalibrating my brain and body and how they work together. I’m confident I now have too much time to think, process, think, and think some more. Perhaps I’ll come up with a new hobby by the time this is over. Maybe I’ll become a reader (I’ve always wished that for myself), or maybe I’ll have a genius epiphany in all my spare time that will a) make me millions, and (most importantly) b) make me really happy. Or maybe I'll just catch up on a month's worth of T.V. stored up in my DVR (I sure hope it can store that much!).

Well, there it is. There they are. I’ve given you 5 options as to why I’ve been waking up before the crack of dawn. I’d also like for you to know that, at precisely 6:26am, as I finish this post, it is STILL dark outside. Still. Oh, and the birds are STILL chirping. Still. I guess now this is my opporunity to BE STILL. To be still and wait on the Lord (Psalm 37:7).

before i'm dead and gone

I've been known to talk about [swoon after] "The Buried Life" boys. I'm not sure if it's their boyish looks, fervor for life, or willingness to put themselves on the line that makes them so appealing. Either way Lord knows these boys have balls and a willingness to sacrifice them for the sake of living a full, adventurous life.

Since watching the first season of the show last winter I myself have thought about what my own buried list might look like. For those of you who have not seen the show, 4 boys (in their 20's) have created a collaborative list of the things they want to accomplish before they die (i.e. are buried). Such a list might also be knows as a "Bucket List", as in, "Before I kick the bucket, this is what I want to do with my life." My own list is elementary in comparison, although I've managed to a include a few things I would legitimately love to pull off at some point in my life. What I love about the show is these guys' willingness to drop everything, get a bus, and make shit happen. Now, I realize these guys have a T.V. show, financial support, and a huge following at this point, but they had to get the show, the money, and the bus somehow, right? You may call it chance or luck, but after watching two seasons worth of what some might call youthful antics, I see a bunch of ballsy guys willing to work for what they want.

Now the question is, can I say they same for myself?

Plenty of things have prevented me from accomplishing things I would have loved to accomplish by now. Part of me accepts that it is what it is and certain things will happen in their own timing. With that being said, however, how much am I taking a hold of my life to make things happen? I realize I cannot simply sit back and wait for my life, my dreams, my goals to happen; it just doesn't work like that. I know that, and yet the endless possibilities are strangely paralyzing. I hate that quality about myself.

So what am I going to do about it?

That is a great question for someone who is naturally adventurous. You'd think that "independence" would couple well with an adventurous spirit, but apparently there is a no two for one sale in that department. At the same time though I am quite adventurous. I am confrontational and seem to have no problem with honesty. I surprise myself sometimes with the things I say or am willing to do. I wish there were more of a pattern to go off of, but really I'm not sure how much consistency there is in regard to my spontaneity. You might say I'm a little bit "scattered". Perhaps I am more adventurous when in the company of good friends. Safe people. People I can be myself with. If that's the case, then I better get these people on board to help me get on with my list.

Speaking of which. What's on your list? If you tell me yours, I'll tell you mine.

i will be thankful

I'm about to be really, really honest with you. I have bruises on my elbows from Izzy & Frank (yes, I named my crutches), bruises on my knees from crawling up stairs, a swollen foot and a fat calf. Not to mention I've been shitting Vicadin for a week. Izzy's a bitch and Frank's just annoying. I've walked in the boot, sat in the boot, propped the boot, smelled the boot, and even danced in the boot. I've yet to name the boot because then I might forgo ownership of the boot. I own the boot. The boot does not own me.

It's amazing what freedom you give up with no right foot. Upon breaking your foot you might think, "Cool, so this hurts really bad," followed quickly by, "darn, I broke my foot, life goes on," which is then immediately trailed by a slew of...

"How do I get groceries?"
"How will I deposit this check?"
"Who will take me to work?"
"Which shoe will I wear today?"
"How many things can I safely carry up the stairs so I don't fall, and yet don't have to come back down for a second trip?"
"What are the chances someone will see me crawling up the stairs?"
"How long can I balance on one leg?"
"How far can I hop on one foot without Izzy & Frank, without falling?"
"I wonder what the neighbors think of me as they see me hop along, loudly and gracelessly?"
"How many more times will I answer the same damn questions about my boot?"

Seriously, the list goes on. They may seem like trivial questions to you, but over time it all becomes incredibly wearing. It's wearing to not be able to do what you normally do, to be out of your normal routine or the things you're used to. I realize it could be much, much worse, but the fact remains, I have no right foot. Sort of.

As cheesy, theologically incorrect, or evil as it may sound, I've already told two people, "If you're not careful, God's gonna do this to you too." Now, I don't necessarily think God did this "to me" but it does open the whole conversation up of "Did God let this happen to me?" I can't necessarily say I know the answer either way as I don't really think the answer is worth my time to think about. However, I realize that it happened (breaking my foot) and now I get to deal with the repercussions-er-I get to learn from the experience. One of my incredibly-super-awesome-wonderful-committed weekend volunteers asked me, after making sure I was OK, "Now what is the Lord teaching you?" Again, I realize that question could sound totally cheesy, but really, there's got to be something to it, right? At least that's what I'm telling myself.

One thing I have learned is what it looks and feels like to slow down. Mind you, my brain continues to flutter away at warp speed, but my body is humming somewhere around the rate of our growing economy. Not only am I learning this lesson, but those around me, those helping me, have also been forced to function at half speed. I'm only two weeks into this ordeal (I promise not to drag it out too long for you) so clearly I don't know where I'll be at come November 23rd (D-day), but I can't imagine continuing such a slow swag through life post boot. If anything I can say that I will be back to normal with a newfound appreciation for two feet. Yes, two feet.

Which brings me to Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. It truly is my favorite holiday. What better day than one filled with food, family, pie, pajamas, and little to no real financial stress? If you're like 90% of traditional American families (I made that percentage up) then I wouldn't be surprised to find you circled with your family & friends at some point during the day, likely before ingesting your weight in potatoes, sharing what you are thankful for this year. You might even say, "This year I am thankful for...

"my family."
"my job."
"God's_____________."
"provision."
"our home."

Et al. Come that fateful 4th Thursday of November we find ourselves grateful for the great gifts we've been given and the blessings we've received. We remember the big things that happened in the past year hopeful those things will continue to bless us. But what if, just what if this year, I broke into your family-friendly circle of thanks and gave thanks for my foot? What if this year, instead of giving thanks for your new home, you gave thanks for electricity? Even better, maybe you could get a little more creative and share gratefulness for Thomas Edison's discovery of electricity. Or what if you gave thanks, not for provision, but for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups because they make you oh, so happy and bring joy to your life each time you eat them? Ok, maybe these are poor examples, but you get the idea. What if this year we looked past the big stuff to find joy and gratefulness for the small things in life. Like a functioning right foot and the ability to take a shower.

This is what I've got so far. I imagine there will be more. In the meantime, what are you thankful for?

ignorance is bliss

There is nothing like a broken foot to stop you, literally, dead in your tracks. There is also nothing like a broken foot to make you feel totally useless, a little lazy, overwhelmed, exhausted, underwhelmed, bored, and nonetheless totally annoyed and emotionally dramatic. I guess you could say I've spent a little too much time with myself in the last 3 1/2 days, which is definitely not a good place for me to be. Sure, maybe I have had or will have a multitude of life altering epiphanies, but I also can't help but rationalize them, blaming them primarily on the 48 hrs+ that I've spent on Vicodin.

As introverted as I may be, as much as I love T.V., being by myself, and being a homebody, there IS such a thing as too much of a good thing. T.V. lasted about 24 hrs, being by myself lasted about the same, and the whole "homebody" thing is about over. I've discovered I'm not very good at doing nothing. Actually, I've known this for quite some now, but knowing and feeling are two different things. I've KNOWN for some time that I am not good at doing nothing, but now I've truly FELT what it means to do nothing, so know I know know that I am not good at doing nothing. Some people have such a talent, to appreciate nothingness, but I am clearly not that person.

I've also never been (in my adult memory) this dependent on others. My roommate definitely wins the "Roommate of the Century" award. Too bad there's no such trophy for that. Even my close friends (co-workers) deserve kudos, or an honorable mention for "Friends of the Year". There should be a trophy for that one too. Oh yes, and "Sister of the Year" should be in there too. I'm often to busy being the do-gooder to let other people help me, and to really be able to appreciate others for what they have to offer. It's bittersweet on the other side. You may perhaps want to be in my shoes, but I'd rather be in yours. Like they say, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I'm not sure what "epiphanies" I've had. I've had a lot of thoughts though. Nothing life altering, but enough to make you stop in your tracks, get frustrated, then appreciate what's on the other side. It's true, ignorance is bliss. I would have been totally OK not knowing what a broken foot felt like. Who knew physical pain could actually bring you to tears? Not just any tears. Sobbing, snot out your nose, heaving air in and out, ugly cry-face kind of tears. Ever wonder what you looked like when you cry? I do. How else will I know if I have the ugly cry-face like that teen mom on "Teen Mom"? Poor thing. I bet nobody ever told her. Wonder what she thinks now that she's seen herself on T.V.

Any who. I'm really just starting to ramble now. Remember? That's what I do well. I may not ramble in conversation, but I definitely ramble when I write...when I think.

I'd really like to be done with this whole boot thing, but I better not start thinking that now. I've got 5 1/2 more weeks with this bad boy. Wish me luck! And if you happen to see my cry-face anytime soon, remember what I said. Ignorance is bliss.

10 things

Here are the 10 things I did or didn't do on 10-10-10:

1. Wake up in the middle of the night.
2. Fall on my foot going down the stairs.
3. Crawl up stairs on my hands and knees to get back to bed.
4. Call my sister to drive from LBC to take me to Urgent Care.
5. Beg my friends to cover me at work.
6. Not shower.
7. Crawl to the following locations: kitchen counter to eat breakfast, bedroom to get "ready", bathroom to brush my teeth (while sitting on the floor), the kitchen and pantry to get a snack (said snack also eaten while sitting on floor), and down the stairs to the car.
8. Drive to the wrong Urgent Care.
8. Get lost going to the second Urgent Care.
9. Piggy back on my sister from the car to the Urgent Care.
10. Fracture my foot.

Here are the 10 things that might not be so awesome this week:

1. Getting to work.
2. Showering while standing on one foot.
3. Crawling up and down the stairs at home (1 set to the front door, 1 set to my bathroom, and an additional set to my bedroom. Stupid townhouse).
4. Going to a super awesome club to see super awesome MIA.
5. 4th & 5th grade special event on Friday. 2 words: Bounce. Houses.
6. Feeling nauseous every time my food hurts.
7. Rocking the crutches--I think I might need a backpack.
8. Lack of groceries.
9. A fractured driving foot.
10. A super lame story to tell about how I fractured my foot.

And what, you may ask, could be awesome about this week?

1. Calling in sick.
2. Getting help from people.
3. Having an excuse to "catch up" on T.V.
4. Telling people my super awesome story about how I fractured my foot.
5. Fabricating fun stories I could tell people about how I fractured my foot.
6. Getting rides to work from my friends.
7. Laughing at myself for being retarded.
8. Figuring out how to do normal things in a not so normal ways, and laughing at myself in the process.
9. Watching "Clueless".
10. Letting other people take on my responsibilities (it's not like I don't do it for them!)

Ilovemylife.

play it again sam

I've had a lot of really serious conversations lately and I'm ready for a break. I'm like a kid in a candy store with his hands tied behind his back and the scent of candy corn wafting through the air. I'm ready to let loose and simply play. I'm all about being a listening ear and sharing my completely honest opinion when asked, but there is a time for work and time for play, and now I say, is time to play.

That's all.

i have this problem

I have this problem where I think about things too much, I feel too much, I think some more, I get overwhelmed, I panic a little, think about it some more, freak, then make a decision. By no means do I love that I do this, it's just something I've always done. The trouble is, no matter how much I hate that I do it, it always seems to work. My best decisions are made over the course of some serious T-I-M-E. I do it with freakin' everything. Even you had to sit with me as I debated over Facebook. Facebook people, FB! What's so stressful about that?

Speaking of which, in case you haven't seen for yourself, I kept FB. Rather, I'm keeping FB. I realized a few things about it:

1. I don't like how OTHER people treat FB.
2. I don't want to turn into above mentioned people.

I used to think that if the only place I talked to a person was through FB, then they can't really be a "close" friend. While I think that remains true to some extent, I also realize that life and distance can and does get in the way of true friendships and familial ties. Because that is unacceptable, I have chosen to keep FB. It means more to other people than it does to me. And what can I say? I'm a people pleaser.

In other news, I still don't know what to "theme" this darn blog. Instead I will continue to blog what I want, when I want, hopefully more often than not. Did you notice my absence? I know you did. Well, I must admit it has everything to do with my opening statement regarding my obsession with thinking. Maybe somewhere not-so-deep-down I thought that if I gave myself an ultimatum, if I told myself I couldn't write another blog until it revealed my new blog theme, then I would come up with some fabulous idea, propose it to "Real Simple" and be the next "Julie & Julia". Unfortunately that's not how it works. So here I am, continuing to blog simply what comes to mind for whoever even read this darn blog. Wait, I just lied. I don't really write this for you. I write this because I write. That's what I do, it's how I process all those thoughts I otherwise become overwhelmed by. I like making you laugh, but really only because it made me laugh first. Welcome to my world. Welcome to the jungle.

i made the jump

Well, not so much of a jump as it was a leap.

I joined FB again. I am a little bit hating that I did, but I am only committed to a week. (Side note: this is beginning to feel like..oh, what's the word? Not purgatory...when you ask forgiveness from your priest as a Catholic? I am such a terrible "religion" major. You get the idea. I'm confessing. OH YA! Confession. I feel like I am going to confession.)

So I rejoined FB. I HATE that it is so easy and that my whole profile is back up and running just as I left it. To be honest I haven't looked through it at all, but I can tell that it's me from 2 yrs. ago. That's a really odd thought. It's kinda like looking through one of those junior high journals I mentioned in an earlier post.

Judge me if you like, I really don't care. The deal is this: I am committing to 1 week of FB (until next Friday) when I will decide what to do with it. Chances are HIGH that I will be "deleting" it once again, but at least at that point I can tell people I tried. I give thanks? gratitude? credit? to one particular friend for this move. I am doing it solely for her. I doubt I'll keep it. At the same time I am interested to see what will happen with it. Ugh. This is the crap I HATE about FB. I hate the hold it can have on you. I hate that it represents my life. I care too much what is presented to others, so this is just one more thing for me to obsess over. Maybe I am in a better place though now? Who knows. I'll keep you posted.

This should be interesting.

WONDER

2010 has brought a lot of change in me. Change that I so desperately hoped for without expecting it to happen. What change you ask? Well, first, I don't think I've never been as happy as I am. Second, I've never had this much fun. Third, I've never been this adventurous. Fourth, I've never felt this confident. I'm incredibly grateful for such changes and continue to be excited for what's in store for me.

For the longest time now I've had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that God has BIG things in store for me. I realize that "big things" is a very loose term which could mean multiple things on many levels. I have no clue what these BIG things are or how they will play out, but I trust that God has a plan for my life. I am trying to wait patiently to see what these BIG things are, but I cannot help but WONDER. I WONDER when these big things will happen. I WONDER what these big things are. I WONDER who will be involved and what it will look like.

WONDER is an exciting thing. In WONDER I find a sense of hope and confidence in what the future will bring. In WONDER there is a sense of looking forward to something. The possibilities are endless and the dreams are BIG. But to be honest, I don't even know what to dream about.

As a little girl I dreamt of many, many things, and I dreamt them over and over and over. Part of the thrill of dreaming was the opportunity to plan and let me tell you, I'm a planner. What better combination could there be? The only problem with that now is that you cannot plan what you do not know. The possibilities are endless and I'm trying my hardest to be OK with that. I am trying to be OK not knowing and OK waiting. I'm not about to box myself in with a plan of my own, although sometimes I think that would be much easier. I have a few ideas of my own, which are about the size of a mustard seed. And while that may seem small, I know it could mean BIG things.

WONDER what some of my ideas are? Stay tuned and maybe I'll share.

To be continued...

ONE

I'm beginning to feel and see a lot of change around me. It's a bittersweet feeling, but something I asked for I guess.

You see, a few weeks back my pastor asked us to choose ONE thing to pray for this summer. ONE thing we wanted. ONE thing we wanted to know. ONE thing to continually bring to the Lord in prayer. Initially I didn't know what my ONE thing would be as it is difficult to choose just ONE thing when the possibilities and curiosities are endless.

In the end I decided to pray for this: What next step am I supposed to take?

Like I said, there is a lot of change surrounding me. Until now little of it has directly affected me. Even now the change still doesn't have anything to do with me but will affect me long term and change the dynamics surrounding me. It is a bittersweet feeling, but one that I know is right.

...to be continued.

what makes YOUR IBS flare up?

Crap, why does John Mayer make such good "let's contemplate my life" music? I'm not sure what it is exactly. I'm not sure if John Mayer even contemplates his own life considering all the *cough* respectable life choices he seems to make. But who am I to judge? For all I know he sits in his underwear strumming away at his guitar in rainy weather drinking chamomile tea while writing in his journal and staring at the stars. While I may not be as talented, coordinated or have such an ability to multi-task, I have had some contemplative moments in the last few days. Maybe it has something to do with actually having days of with no agenda and nothing to do? Man, I should really get me some more of those--then I'd be really awesome.

All that to say, here's my question for you: What call in your life most scares the crap out of you?

And by scared I mean:
1. Makes you want to vomit
2. Pisses you off a little
3. Makes you actually consider running a marathon in the opposite direction
4. Makes your IBS flare up
5. Actually makes you consider the Peace Corps as a good, albeit "long term" option

And I don't mean:
1. Makes you jump for joy like you just unstuffed a box of kleenex in under a minute
2. Makes watching "The Bachelorette" with your significant other sound like the best idea EVER
3. Makes Ali look like a real winner (See above)
4. Inspires you to start selling "Texas Tails" like it was the best invention ever made (akin to the "Bump It")
[here is my other shameless plug for this also incredible creation for all those hoping to add a little "pop" to their life, i.e. girls who wish they were black]
5. Tricks you into thinking these are the classiest girls EVER (1)

Now, I hope that wasn't too distracting for you. Offensive? Maybe. Distracting? Who am I kidding--I just distracted myself.

Back to the original topic (which ironically has absolutely nothing to do with any of the things listed above). So, what call most scares the crap out of you?

Today I realized that whatever that "call" is on your life is probably the thing you are actually meant to do. Me? What scares the crap out of me? Ministry. But don't worry, I'm still in denial on this one. The thing is, I'm pretty damn good at at, or maybe I am just responsible and hard working, but either way it seems as though everything in my life has pointed me in exactly the direction I am going. I've avoided it as much as possible. I've tried to think of other things to do with my time and talents. I've come up with some pretty good ideas in the process too. But the thing is, while those are all great, I don't think they are for me. I think where I am is where I'm meant to be, for now.

You see how I added that "for now" thing at the end there? That's the denial. I say it not because its true but because adding it to any statement immediately makes the statement seem less permanent and therefore less scary. Adding "for now" adds a sense of hope and that everything-will-be-OK feeling only your mom, baby blanket, and cake can give you. Apparently "for now" is a commitment phobes life mottow--which I am beginning to wonder if I am. I don't use the phrase often, just on the important things I guess. Crap.

Clearly this is a work in process for me and I imagine it is for you too. I'm not sure at what point this call with settle well with me. I'm not sure if it ever will. Scripture says God will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4); he never said he would make sure I was comfortable in the process.

(1) Have you noticed yet that I probably watch too much late night T.V.?

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Thanks for listening. I've mentioned it before and I'll say it again, I'm writing this for no other reason than to share my spaghetti thoughts with you and hopefully give you a laugh. And if you didn't follow, go back to the beginning, read it again, and see if you can figure me out. I dare you.

[ˌmisəˈlānēəs]

It's really too bad John Mayer is such a man-whore; he makes some pretty damn good rain-in-July music. If rain-in-July had a musical equivalent "Continuum" would be it.

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Apparently I don't text very well. But you see, that's just it--I don't text well when I don't like you. Boo-ya. The criticism's all yours.

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Do you ever find yourself unknowingly giving dirty looks? Well, not so much "unknowingly" as "oops-did-I-just-make-that-face-out-loud?"
I tend to do it most often when:

1. I'm tired
2. I don't care
3. You just did something retarded
4. You deserved it
5. You should really stop doing that

...I'd say such looks are uncommon coming from me, but really I just usually do a better job keeping the looks to myself.

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No amount of time will prepare me to "get back into the swing of things" at work or home. So for now I am pretending everything is vacation. Work tomorrow? Just a little blip in my day. Need to have a meeting with me? Sorry, I'm on vacation. Need me to drop something off in the building? Sorry, on vacation. Answer the phone? Return your e-mail? Vacation. I'll get back to you when I feel like it, thank you.
[Side note: any thoughts on making this my "out of office" return e-mail?]

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Just when I thought I was "in", I had one of those cool-kids-at-the-lunch-table moments, and I was on the wrong end. Haven't felt like that since J. High when my 3 "really cool" friends and I ate lunch together-er-seperate from everyone else. OR when my caring "friends" so considerately referred to me by their loving-if not descriptive-pet name, "Powder". Good thing I brought my own lunch, I didn't want to eat your grubby, processed shi-I mean, food, anyways.

Seriously though--shafting people is about as cool as LiLo becoming plastic. While you're busy being a "typical selfish, back-stabbing slut-faced ho-bag" I will happily maintain my status as the "home schooled jungle freak" (1).

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Thanks for listening. Please join me again soon in the midst of my infinite abyss (2).

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1. Anyone?
2. Anyone?

you know you are tired when...

1. You are wearing the same shirt/short/flip flop combo for the 4th day in a row.
2. You drive across the street to go to work.
3. You use the railing to pull yourself up the stairs.
4. You go to bed at 8:30pm (and sleep through the night).
5. You go to the cupboard for oatmeal and bring out popcorn.
6. You find a bowl under your bed from the time (2 nights ago) you woke up hungry in the middle of the night (which happens more than you would think).
7. You continue to sit on the floor, fearful of the day, after 29 other people have managed to stand up and get going.
8. You cry. A lot. In front of your boss(es) and volunteers.
9. The only thing to truly make you laugh is a picture of a little boy SO excited to be at VBS that he would piss his pants (seriously, how did that get on the website?)
10. Your roommate finds you crying alone in the bathroom.
11. You hug your roommate (we don't hug).
12. Just thinking about the day makes you start crying.
13. Out of desperation, you look up the name of a resort you saw on "The Hills" in the possible hopes that maybe, just maybe you could afford a spur-of-the-moment trip to Costa Rica.
14. You refer to the world's slowest sales associate as "Molasses Wednesday".
15. You fall UP the stairs.
16. You literally crawl from one room to another.
17. Telling a story sounds more like speaking in tongues while wearing a retainer.

Gosh, I sound like such a pansy. Whatever.
I don't really care what you think :)

this week

You know that feeling of wanting to start something just so you can get it over with? Like doing a presentation or starting a project school related or not. Well, that's exactly how I am feeling. It's a bittersweet feeling. I genuinely want to start something. But even more, I want to be done with it. Currently I'd rather be in the middle of it than waiting around for it. And at the same time I'm dreading it.

I've spent a relatively unsuccessful weekend relaxing. Considering how much I love being home, how much I love doing nothing on the couch, how much I love T.V. and being alone, I'm not very good at the whole "relaxing" thing. Maybe I should get one of those "Frankie Says RELAX" t-shirts that came from my generation (although I admit I was likely in diapers at the time the shirt was popularized). Maybe if I added that to my nightshirt rotation the phrase might somehow seep into my pours and take hold of my mind and body. Hmm, remind me to do that.
[P.S. How did I manage to sound like a loner night-shirt-wearing-grandma stuck in the 80's in a matter of three sentences?]

This week (and today) have been a long time coming, and arrived quicker than a plane with no wings. Let's hope the landing goes OK.

This week is exhausting to think about, so I'm [sort of] trying not to do that. I'm praying for super human strength and the ability to take things one at a time. I'm hoping (and planning) on enjoying this week. Hope and pray with me!

...to be continued.

i do not like junior highers

I got foiled...

...and it kind of made me want to cry.

But I must admit I asked for it:

Good thing I love these girls.

P.S. I just found foil in my bed. Foil sheets=not cool.

i did not go on a blind date

A few things I have not nor would ever do:

I did not agree to go on a blind date knowing little to nothing about the person.

I did not not talk to him on the phone for less than three minutes only 20 minutes before meeting him for lunch.

I did not give this stranger a hug upon meeting him for the first time.

I did not admit within the first five minutes that I work at a church. Normal people don't talk about religion on a first date-that would be taboo and definitely not PC.

I definitely did not order a burger sans bread or cheese. I did not try to avoid explaining my food allergies. Upon explaining them my date did not try to comfort me by saying, "ya, it took me forever to figure out I was allergic to wool." I was not laughing hysterically in my mind. It was absolutely, most definitely not funny.

I was not relieved when he didn't offer to pray for lunch. The last boy I dated never prayed for dinner and it was never awkward. I definitely pray for every meal, snack and beverage regardless of whose company I am in. I'm pretty sure he does too. That's what all good christians do, right?

I did not share my major in college (religion). That would be awkward and potentially make for an awkward conversation with someone not prepared for what they were getting into.

I did not find out he practices a very, very different religion.

I did not admit that I secretly really want a bunny.

We absolutely did not end our date by going to look at bunnies at the pet store.

And I certainly would never point at and pet the bunnies oohing and awing about how cute and fluffy they are. I also did not share that I am really excited about the prospect of naming a bunny.

I did not not know his last name by the time I got home.

I did not make my roommate look him up on Facebook to find out.

Brought to you by Not me Monday.

elephants in ethiopia

Remember ignoring your parents as a child? Pretending you didn't hear them, when clearly you did?

To be honest, I still do it. No, not with my parents, but most definitely in certain environments I find myself in Monday-Thursday, 9-5 and weekends. (Forgive my vagueness as I'd hate to give away too much detail). **Cough**.

It is not uncommon that someone in above the mentioned environment might find me wired up with earphones securely fastened in the upright position. Please note, I did not say they were on, just that they were securely fastened.

When the music has faded and my hands scurry away at the keyboard or, you know, rolling 2000 pennies into thin paper sleeves, still I continue on. Continue on typing. Continue on rolling those pennies. Continue on pretending I don't hear you to the side of me, you to the front of me, you to the other side of me, you to the back of me, you across the way, you who just walked in, you in the office across from me, you walking past in the hallway, and all other you's in a 10 foot radius or whose voice carries at levels audible to an elephant in Ethiopia.

Speaking of which, sometimes I think I might be the elephant in Ethiopia. You know, the one who can't hear, perhaps even the one whose not listening. There are certain things in life I've tried very hard not to hear. I'm sure we all have those things. The things we ignore about ourselves, our lives, the people around us, and ultimately anything we are in denial about.

Denial is a funny thing. We all do it. And the worst part is we know when we're doing it. I think I might be doing it. Or rather, I've been doing it. We all fight different battles, but maybe it's time to accept reality and stop fighting it.

Why is it so scary to live in reality sometimes? I've got the whole "down to earth" thing down (humility, not so much), so perhaps the issue is needing to stop making things make sense to me, on this earth. Maybe reality is much bigger than that.

What reality are you ignoring? I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours-maybe.

Questions #1-6

I'm gonna play this game like one of those word association games-say the first thing that comes to mind. I'll elaborate when necessary.

1. What do you do that is almost effortless from your perspective, but seems like a daunting task to others?
Organization. Babies. Oh, but about my job--
Organization
Event planning
Hanging out with kids
Dealing with parents

2. In what arenas do people consider you the "go to" person?
Editing (I tend to avoid being a "go-to" for many things...see question #6)
Decorating
Organization (again??)

3. What facets of your job energize you?
Hanging out with kids/student leaders
Playing

4. What do you wish you could stop doing?
Being in the office
"Meeting" with volunteers

5. What organizational environments are you drawn to?
See question 1
Flexible
Quiet (mostly)
Ones with people who are: funny, organized, committed to excellence

6. What environments do you avoid?
Noisy ones
The office
Ones with people who are: needy, talkative, draining, overly-critical, rude, inconsiderate...

And now my own question:

7. What have I learned by answering these questions?
I am a huge proponent of organization
I really like editing, and people utilize for that ability regularly
I like quiet
I don't like the office

Hmmm...thoughts?

the other "thing"

I recently read a blog about what your "thing" is. Ok-here's your chance to go read the blog then come back to hear what I have to say. Go ahead now, just don't forget to come back.

Now where were we? Oh yes, my thing. I can think of lots of things. Right now I am thinking about food (a more common occurrence than I'd like to admit). Earlier I was thinking about, well, probably food again. OK, OK, this isn't going well. I think about clothes, about my job, how much sleep I got, what errands I need to do, if I need to do laundry, what my plans are for the week, who do I need to make an effort to contact....and the list goes on.

I am a girl. I think ALL the time. My best friend just gave a sermon in J.High about the difference between boys and girls. Boys are waffles, girls are spaghetti (yes, she stole it from a book). Boys compartmentalize things. When they say they are not thinking about anything, they are really not thinking about anything. When they watch a movie, that's what they are doing-watching a movie, and that's it.

Girls on the other hand are think constantly. We're like that "Google" commercial-have you seen it? Name one word and I'll give you 10 thoughts. Wanna bet?

Here goes--Rabbit:

I really want a bunny, I went to the mall by myself looking at bunnies, I do a lot of things by myself, I really like being by myself, is that weird? Oh well, I don't really care what you think. I'm honest. I'm bold. I have no shame. Yes, I know that's a ballsy thing to say. My friend M* is ballsy, she'll say anything to the point where it hurts. I don't want to hurt people, I hope I have more grace on people than her. I should probably stop being so judgmental of people. If you want to rock the Australian-uber-trendy-modern-man-mullet haircut then go for it. We had a worship worship leader this morning with hair like that-it was AWESOME. It was nice sitting with L* this morning. She's not engaged yet but she will be soon! I can't wait for her. It must be hard to wait. Learned I am not in much of a rush-at least not as much as maybe I thought I was........

See? Spagetti I'm telling you. Spaghetti.

Anyways...all that to say that life is full of things. Material things, job things, work things. But what is the one thing I want? The one thing that makes me forget all the other things. In all honesty, I don't even know if I know. I like doing lots of things. I have hobbies, passions, dreams, desires. I've got all of that. But what is my one thing?

At a conference recently we were encouraged to answer the following 6 questions to help us "discover" our dream job-what it is I am good at. My calling perhaps?

1. What do you do that is almost effortless from your perspective, but seems like a daunting task to others?
2. In what arenas do people consider you the "go to" person?
3. What facets of your job energize you?
4. What do you wish you could stop doing?
5. What organizational environments are you drawn to?
6. What environments do you avoid?

Answering these questions seems worthy of another blog (or a few) but also a worthy task.

I'm excited about where this is going. Excited about where this is leading me.

So what's your thing?

thing(s) i'm learning

I learned today to bring an extra [eek] bra with you to a baptism. Either that, or assume the worst and wear your swimsuit like you planned.

I also need a new blog title. Why do you ask? Because I'd like to close, 'er, move on from the "Gluten Free-dumb" phase of life. Sure, I still can't eat the stuff, but it's just so much easier not dwelling on it. This blog never really ended up being what I thought it would be, despite my [feeble] attempts.

Through the last two years I have learned to laugh at life and not take myself so seriously. Laughter is good. Laugh excessively-that's my new motto (as of the three seconds ago I just typed it).

To be honest I've been somewhat inspired by a few other blogs I've read recently-not the serious kind. Well, by "not-serious" I mean funny, but very real. Authentic. Authenticity is something I'd like to strive for. I am a relatively honest person, which thankfully I've mostly learned to use to my (and others') advantage, but authenticity is more than that. People appreciate authenticity, and I think authenticity elicits change. Authenticity acknowledges what everyone else is thinking, bringing it out into the open for what is necessary-conversation.

This is what I am thinking about, what are you thinking about?

Oh, and do you have any ideas for a blog title for me?