Scribbles

Hey followers!

2011-10-21T14:13:00.001-07:00

Follow me at my new blog.... www.anthropologyofagirl.com ...more to come!

NEW BLOG

2011-08-23T22:57:00.000-07:00

I will no longer be posting on this blog (been a while, eh?).
So please join me at www.anthropologieofagirl.com

P&L (peace and love),

AE

still

2011-03-15T06:28:00.000-07:00

I’ve been waking up before the crack of dawn the last few days, and I’m pissed! This has happened before, but I’d really like to know the actual cause of my restlessness. So far, all I can conjure is that it’s because:

Those damn birds! That's exactly what I thought around 3am when I first heard them, and it’s what I thought when I woke up “officially” at 5am, It’s also what I am currently thinking, at precisely 5:47am. Apparently March brings Spring AND the birds that come with it. I should probably be more encouraged by the “awakening of spring” and the sound of birds chirping out my window, but I’m not. They are loud. Irritating. And should be shot.*
I love breakfast. But I ALWAYS love breakfast. Mind you, I think I’ve eaten the same thing for breakfast for the last 4 years, but something about it still gets me out of bed in the morning. Occasionally I go to bed thinking about it...and occasionally I switch it up. Either way, I love it, but it’s no reason to wake up before the crack of dawn.
Too much sleep. Is it really possible? Apparently so if I choose option “c” as my final answer to this rather annoying situation.
Too little food. This would be the second part to option "b". Still trying to figure this one out...
I gave up T.V. for lent. How does that have to do with anything you ask? Well, If it’s not the answer to my problem, it surely would be the solution to these early mornings. (See explanation below)

*OK, maybe not shot for real, but other options with the same end result welcome (peace and quiet).

Although I started lent a week late, I’m still attempting to take it seriously. "Seriously" in the sense that I am sticking to it as much as possible, debating if I will take Sundays off as in traditional lent. I’m not a “traditional” lenter. I did not grow up doing it, I did not understand the concept until recently, and to be honest, I previously associated it with Catholics, which I previously assumed were crazy (i.e. probably not really Christians). All that to say, I’ve practiced lent a few times in my adult life and this year is no different. Except that I am fasting T.V., which is actually really hard.

I love T.V. And when I say “love”, I mean it like a fat kid who loves cake...and watching T.V. while eating it. Prior to my birth, my family didn’t own a T.V. From my understanding, T.V. was practically sin in their book. Then they moved, I came along, and now I am making up for the years they spent without T.V. As a 2nd grader my sister broke her arm riding down a hill, on a bike, with no brakes (although she still blames the other girl who got in her way). “Do you want to come with us to the hospital, or stay at home with your brother?” asked my dad. Well of course I chose home. Why? To catch up on “The Simpsons” with my brother. Nor could you peel me away from any good Pauly Shore movie or quality 90’s cinema (Son-in-Law, Biodome, Mrs. Doubtfire, Encino Man, Empire Records...you know, the wholesome stuff). So, all that to say, I loved T.V., I love T.V., and I will always love T.V.

Back to lent and my early rising (no shining). If for lent you are supposed to give something up that you truly love, a vice, then T.V. is it for me. While I can’t say T.V. consumes my life, it’s definitely my fall-back way to relax, unwind, fill time, fold laundry, play Words with Friends, or the like. Now, 3 days into it, I’m enjoying the peace, quiet, and productivity of my new T.V. free life, but also blame it for waking up earlier. Why? Because I now get bored at night with nothing to do, so I get into bed, I get bored on the internet, can’t yet bring myself to read, catch up on Word with Friends, then fall asleep, early. Which means I wake up, early. Which means, I have time to write about it. Because I have nothing better to do at this un-godly hour.

Maybe I’m on a T.V. detox. Getting it out of my system, recalibrating my brain and body and how they work together. I’m confident I now have too much time to think, process, think, and think some more. Perhaps I’ll come up with a new hobby by the time this is over. Maybe I’ll become a reader (I’ve always wished that for myself), or maybe I’ll have a genius epiphany in all my spare time that will a) make me millions, and (most importantly) b) make me really happy. Or maybe I'll just catch up on a month's worth of T.V. stored up in my DVR (I sure hope it can store that much!).

Well, there it is. There they are. I’ve given you 5 options as to why I’ve been waking up before the crack of dawn. I’d also like for you to know that, at precisely 6:26am, as I finish this post, it is STILL dark outside. Still. Oh, and the birds are STILL chirping. Still. I guess now this is my opporunity to BE STILL. To be still and wait on the Lord (Psalm 37:7).

p.s.

2011-03-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

I HATE that my posts are centrally-aligned. Any help welcome.

deal-e-o

2011-03-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

Here’s the deal. I write because I like to write. While I love the idea of blogging, having followers, and all the fame and *glory* that comes with it, I struggle to keep up with what I think are interesting things to write/talk about. Really, I shouldn't care, but much like everything else in my life-I do. To be honest, I guess you could say I am a blog snob. I don’t follow a ton of blogs, but that probably has more to do with my critical eye for them than it does with my time or ability to read them. If I don’t like a background, I opt out. Trying-too-hard title? Opt out. Inconsistent updates? Opt out. Someone who talks about their inconsistent blogging? Opt out. You name it and I can find a reason to opt out of any blog.

Judge if you’d like, but sadly I also hold myself to that standard. I want a unique, aesthetically pleasing background and font, a catchy but not annoying title, consistent updates, and I absolutely hate acknowledging that I’ve been behind in my blogging or ability to do so well. What can I say? I’m a perfectionist. The unfortunate thing is I then tend to opt out of the blogging world completely. Can’t do it well? Screw it. Can’t do it enough? Screw it. No awesomely-interesting-earth-shattering-journalism-making topic to write about? Screw it.

But that is also what I love about a good blog. I recently came across the blog of someone I’ve been following on Twitter for a few weeks now. I found it just two days ago, and already I’ve made a good dent in the 2011 posts, dabbled in the 2010’s, and gone “way” back to the 2008 posts when the blog began. The writing isn’t stellar. The pictures are random and self-taken. The colors are simple, and so are the topics. But I love that. I love that I feel like I shouldn’t be reading the blog-like I just came across my sister, or best friend’s diary and simply can’t put it down. The blog talks about daily life, work, food, exercise, relationships, things that are funny, things that are not, and everything in between. The irony is I imagine it’s pretty darn close to what my own blog would look like if I simply wrote. If I blogged what I journal, what I think, the life I live and the one I wish I lived, I’m pretty sure that’s what it would look like.

I blame time. I blame my inability to conjure an interesting enough topic that will last more than a sentence or two. I blame my lack of followers who really care. I blame...everything. I’ve been on a major hiatus. Call it my sabbatical from writing for more than just me.

The good news? Every good sabbatical comes to an end.

Like the blooger I mentioned above, I too, have a day-to-day job. One that can be completely boring, hilarious, or consuming, but [almost] always adventurous. Work will happen because I’m expected to show up and I don’t like letting people down (hence my previously noted sabbatical). But I’m also anxious to do the things I love to do, regardless of what others think, or what I think they might be thinking. I’m anxious to live life more fully. No excuses, no shit (bull).

Oh, ya. Sorry, I’m not completely opposed to cussing.

As I finish this post, I must admit one other irony. I write this not in the blogesphere but in a word processing program. Because I didn’t intend to blog it. Because I didn’t think it would be worth posting. Because I didn’t want to commit myself back to the blogging world. Because I’m a perfectionist. And didn’t think anyone would find value in this. But I wanted to write.

Cheers! to writing, not simply to blogging.

2011-01-09T16:29:00.001-08:00

Do you follow? If not, you really, really should.

@thingsgirlssay

Spread the word. K, thanks. Bye.

ilovemylife

2010-12-31T17:10:00.000-08:00

When all else fails in life, look at pictures like this...

and this...

...then repeat after me, "ilovemylife".

If that doesn't work, go here.

but...

2010-12-28T11:09:00.001-08:00

I think I'm a G, but really I will forever be a junior higher at heart.

Can you tell why?

A million lip smackers to anyone who can guess the story behind this photo.

And yes, I post pictures when I am being lazy. Or perhaps it's simply because a picture really does say a thousand words...or whatever that phrase is. Or because I think I am funny.

i think i'm a g

2010-12-27T19:12:00.001-08:00

Can you tell?

I think I might actually get a sunburn in the morning when I get ready.
Holla.

cheers!

2010-12-25T21:23:00.000-08:00

Who knew doing the dishes in your undies could be so fun?

P.S. Sorry sister if this is not internet appropriate. Too good to pass up sharing this potential future blackmail.

did you say diddy-money?

2010-12-25T20:29:00.000-08:00

[This post previously posted on Christmas. Here it is again, hopefully a little less difficult to follow, although I can't make any promises.]

There's nothing like a little Diddy to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus. Yes, that sweet, infantile baby Jesus. And yes, by Diddy I mean Puffy, by Puffy I mean Sean Combs. Have you heard his new album? If you haven't, I insist you buy it. And when you get that album, I insist that you listen to #5. But please don't judge me. After all, today is the day we celebrate the birth of our sweet Lord baby Jesus and he wasn't big on the whole judgment thing coming from anyone but him.

While we're on the topic of music you might as well get your hands on a copy of "Sleigh Bells." I might have found them because I am mildly obsessed with M.I.A. and they just might be on her record label. They might be kind of awesome, although I can't promise you their album has much to do with Christmas.

Speaking of which, did I ever tell you about the M.I.A. concert? Best. Night. Ever. Had it not been for my super awesome and fashionable walking boot (broken foot), I may have had even more fun. However I can't hate on the boot too much---it did make me some rather questionable friends waiting in line for the bathroom. Friends I would not have made had it not been for my awesome boot. But hey, I'll take props from anyone complimenting me on my ability to "rock it" despite an injury. Even if said person might have been killing time while her friend did a line or two in the restroom I happened to be waiting for.

Speaking of lines, I'm pretty confident the headliner of the night did a few of those herself before gracing us with her presence. However, once she was onstage she kept it clean. That is if you consider clear liquid that burns on the way down "clean". How else would one quench their thirst in between gyrating the crowd and climbing perhaps the world's largest speakers? If it weren't for the dancers dressed in graphic printed burkas, the very....um...sexual European (male) dancers, and the slightly inebriated lead performer on stage, I might not have fit in with my (need I say) awesome boot.

With the music on point except for some feedback due to the Guinness sized speakers squeezed into a club the size of my living room, I left the show on a mixed media, music pulsating, base pumping high. I had met my match. Well, less of a match and more of an alter ego. So with a pitter patter in my heart, a faint migraine forming in my frontal lobe, and a boot on my foot, I left the scene of my brush with musical chaos.

You may be wondering what this all has to do with Christmas, and to be honest, for a moment I wondered as well. I promise you it has nothing to do with the true meaning of Christmas but everything to do with the fact that today I received a year's subscription to "Rolling Stone" magazine, and I couldn't be happier. Now that is a good way to start the year.

things i find #5

2010-12-04T07:11:00.000-08:00

In light of the holiday season I've decided to share with you a little bit of history. My history.

Here I am, in all my glory, the hot mess that I often am (and apparently always have been) on Christmas morning circa...'89ish.

Merry Christmas to all!

before i'm dead and gone

2010-11-03T00:05:00.001-07:00

I've been known to talk about [swoon after] "The Buried Life" boys. I'm not sure if it's their boyish looks, fervor for life, or willingness to put themselves on the line that makes them so appealing. Either way Lord knows these boys have balls and a willingness to sacrifice them for the sake of living a full, adventurous life.

Since watching the first season of the show last winter I myself have thought about what my own buried list might look like. For those of you who have not seen the show, 4 boys (in their 20's) have created a collaborative list of the things they want to accomplish before they die (i.e. are buried). Such a list might also be knows as a "Bucket List", as in, "Before I kick the bucket, this is what I want to do with my life." My own list is elementary in comparison, although I've managed to a include a few things I would legitimately love to pull off at some point in my life. What I love about the show is these guys' willingness to drop everything, get a bus, and make shit happen. Now, I realize these guys have a T.V. show, financial support, and a huge following at this point, but they had to get the show, the money, and the bus somehow, right? You may call it chance or luck, but after watching two seasons worth of what some might call youthful antics, I see a bunch of ballsy guys willing to work for what they want.

Now the question is, can I say they same for myself?

Plenty of things have prevented me from accomplishing things I would have loved to accomplish by now. Part of me accepts that it is what it is and certain things will happen in their own timing. With that being said, however, how much am I taking a hold of my life to make things happen? I realize I cannot simply sit back and wait for my life, my dreams, my goals to happen; it just doesn't work like that. I know that, and yet the endless possibilities are strangely paralyzing. I hate that quality about myself.

So what am I going to do about it?

That is a great question for someone who is naturally adventurous. You'd think that "independence" would couple well with an adventurous spirit, but apparently there is a no two for one sale in that department. At the same time though I am quite adventurous. I am confrontational and seem to have no problem with honesty. I surprise myself sometimes with the things I say or am willing to do. I wish there were more of a pattern to go off of, but really I'm not sure how much consistency there is in regard to my spontaneity. You might say I'm a little bit "scattered". Perhaps I am more adventurous when in the company of good friends. Safe people. People I can be myself with. If that's the case, then I better get these people on board to help me get on with my list.

Speaking of which. What's on your list? If you tell me yours, I'll tell you mine.

things i find #4

2010-10-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

Won't you please go camping with me?

i will be thankful

2010-10-25T21:56:00.000-07:00

I'm about to be really, really honest with you. I have bruises on my elbows from Izzy & Frank (yes, I named my crutches), bruises on my knees from crawling up stairs, a swollen foot and a fat calf. Not to mention I've been shitting Vicadin for a week. Izzy's a bitch and Frank's just annoying. I've walked in the boot, sat in the boot, propped the boot, smelled the boot, and even danced in the boot. I've yet to name the boot because then I might forgo ownership of the boot. I own the boot. The boot does not own me.

It's amazing what freedom you give up with no right foot. Upon breaking your foot you might think, "Cool, so this hurts really bad," followed quickly by, "darn, I broke my foot, life goes on," which is then immediately trailed by a slew of...

"How do I get groceries?"
"How will I deposit this check?"
"Who will take me to work?"
"Which shoe will I wear today?"
"How many things can I safely carry up the stairs so I don't fall, and yet don't have to come back down for a second trip?"
"What are the chances someone will see me crawling up the stairs?"
"How long can I balance on one leg?"
"How far can I hop on one foot without Izzy & Frank, without falling?"
"I wonder what the neighbors think of me as they see me hop along, loudly and gracelessly?"
"How many more times will I answer the same damn questions about my boot?"

Seriously, the list goes on. They may seem like trivial questions to you, but over time it all becomes incredibly wearing. It's wearing to not be able to do what you normally do, to be out of your normal routine or the things you're used to. I realize it could be much, much worse, but the fact remains, I have no right foot. Sort of.

As cheesy, theologically incorrect, or evil as it may sound, I've already told two people, "If you're not careful, God's gonna do this to you too." Now, I don't necessarily think God did this "to me" but it does open the whole conversation up of "Did God let this happen to me?" I can't necessarily say I know the answer either way as I don't really think the answer is worth my time to think about. However, I realize that it happened (breaking my foot) and now I get to deal with the repercussions-er-I get to learn from the experience. One of my incredibly-super-awesome-wonderful-committed weekend volunteers asked me, after making sure I was OK, "Now what is the Lord teaching you?" Again, I realize that question could sound totally cheesy, but really, there's got to be something to it, right? At least that's what I'm telling myself.

One thing I have learned is what it looks and feels like to slow down. Mind you, my brain continues to flutter away at warp speed, but my body is humming somewhere around the rate of our growing economy. Not only am I learning this lesson, but those around me, those helping me, have also been forced to function at half speed. I'm only two weeks into this ordeal (I promise not to drag it out too long for you) so clearly I don't know where I'll be at come November 23rd (D-day), but I can't imagine continuing such a slow swag through life post boot. If anything I can say that I will be back to normal with a newfound appreciation for two feet. Yes, two feet.

Which brings me to Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. It truly is my favorite holiday. What better day than one filled with food, family, pie, pajamas, and little to no real financial stress? If you're like 90% of traditional American families (I made that percentage up) then I wouldn't be surprised to find you circled with your family & friends at some point during the day, likely before ingesting your weight in potatoes, sharing what you are thankful for this year. You might even say, "This year I am thankful for...

"my family."
"my job."
"God's_____________."
"provision."
"our home."

Et al. Come that fateful 4th Thursday of November we find ourselves grateful for the great gifts we've been given and the blessings we've received. We remember the big things that happened in the past year hopeful those things will continue to bless us. But what if, just what if this year, I broke into your family-friendly circle of thanks and gave thanks for my foot? What if this year, instead of giving thanks for your new home, you gave thanks for electricity? Even better, maybe you could get a little more creative and share gratefulness for Thomas Edison's discovery of electricity. Or what if you gave thanks, not for provision, but for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups because they make you oh, so happy and bring joy to your life each time you eat them? Ok, maybe these are poor examples, but you get the idea. What if this year we looked past the big stuff to find joy and gratefulness for the small things in life. Like a functioning right foot and the ability to take a shower.

This is what I've got so far. I imagine there will be more. In the meantime, what are you thankful for?

things i find #3

2010-10-20T22:08:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure about you, but I could use some laughter in my life right about now. Well, actually, there is plenty of laughter to go around, but you get the idea.

Oh yes, please, I would love some bear vomit [click to enlarge].

curious much?

2010-10-15T14:44:00.001-07:00

Wondering about my adventure to see M.I.A.? Here's a little something to tickle your fancy until I get to that. Stay tuned.

P.S. What the crap does "tickle your fancy" mean anyways? Ohh, the inappropriate things we say.

ignorance is bliss

2010-10-13T19:38:00.001-07:00

There is nothing like a broken foot to stop you, literally, dead in your tracks. There is also nothing like a broken foot to make you feel totally useless, a little lazy, overwhelmed, exhausted, underwhelmed, bored, and nonetheless totally annoyed and emotionally dramatic. I guess you could say I've spent a little too much time with myself in the last 3 1/2 days, which is definitely not a good place for me to be. Sure, maybe I have had or will have a multitude of life altering epiphanies, but I also can't help but rationalize them, blaming them primarily on the 48 hrs+ that I've spent on Vicodin.

As introverted as I may be, as much as I love T.V., being by myself, and being a homebody, there IS such a thing as too much of a good thing. T.V. lasted about 24 hrs, being by myself lasted about the same, and the whole "homebody" thing is about over. I've discovered I'm not very good at doing nothing. Actually, I've known this for quite some now, but knowing and feeling are two different things. I've KNOWN for some time that I am not good at doing nothing, but now I've truly FELT what it means to do nothing, so know I know know that I am not good at doing nothing. Some people have such a talent, to appreciate nothingness, but I am clearly not that person.

I've also never been (in my adult memory) this dependent on others. My roommate definitely wins the "Roommate of the Century" award. Too bad there's no such trophy for that. Even my close friends (co-workers) deserve kudos, or an honorable mention for "Friends of the Year". There should be a trophy for that one too. Oh yes, and "Sister of the Year" should be in there too. I'm often to busy being the do-gooder to let other people help me, and to really be able to appreciate others for what they have to offer. It's bittersweet on the other side. You may perhaps want to be in my shoes, but I'd rather be in yours. Like they say, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I'm not sure what "epiphanies" I've had. I've had a lot of thoughts though. Nothing life altering, but enough to make you stop in your tracks, get frustrated, then appreciate what's on the other side. It's true, ignorance is bliss. I would have been totally OK not knowing what a broken foot felt like. Who knew physical pain could actually bring you to tears? Not just any tears. Sobbing, snot out your nose, heaving air in and out, ugly cry-face kind of tears. Ever wonder what you looked like when you cry? I do. How else will I know if I have the ugly cry-face like that teen mom on "Teen Mom"? Poor thing. I bet nobody ever told her. Wonder what she thinks now that she's seen herself on T.V.

Any who. I'm really just starting to ramble now. Remember? That's what I do well. I may not ramble in conversation, but I definitely ramble when I write...when I think.

I'd really like to be done with this whole boot thing, but I better not start thinking that now. I've got 5 1/2 more weeks with this bad boy. Wish me luck! And if you happen to see my cry-face anytime soon, remember what I said. Ignorance is bliss.

10 things

2010-10-10T13:48:00.001-07:00

Here are the 10 things I did or didn't do on 10-10-10:

1. Wake up in the middle of the night.
2. Fall on my foot going down the stairs.
3. Crawl up stairs on my hands and knees to get back to bed.
4. Call my sister to drive from LBC to take me to Urgent Care.
5. Beg my friends to cover me at work.
6. Not shower.
7. Crawl to the following locations: kitchen counter to eat breakfast, bedroom to get "ready", bathroom to brush my teeth (while sitting on the floor), the kitchen and pantry to get a snack (said snack also eaten while sitting on floor), and down the stairs to the car.
8. Drive to the wrong Urgent Care.
8. Get lost going to the second Urgent Care.
9. Piggy back on my sister from the car to the Urgent Care.
10. Fracture my foot.

Here are the 10 things that might not be so awesome this week:

1. Getting to work.
2. Showering while standing on one foot.
3. Crawling up and down the stairs at home (1 set to the front door, 1 set to my bathroom, and an additional set to my bedroom. Stupid townhouse).
4. Going to a super awesome club to see super awesome MIA.
5. 4th & 5th grade special event on Friday. 2 words: Bounce. Houses.
6. Feeling nauseous every time my food hurts.
7. Rocking the crutches--I think I might need a backpack.
8. Lack of groceries.
9. A fractured driving foot.
10. A super lame story to tell about how I fractured my foot.

And what, you may ask, could be awesome about this week?

1. Calling in sick.
2. Getting help from people.
3. Having an excuse to "catch up" on T.V.
4. Telling people my super awesome story about how I fractured my foot.
5. Fabricating fun stories I could tell people about how I fractured my foot.
6. Getting rides to work from my friends.
7. Laughing at myself for being retarded.
8. Figuring out how to do normal things in a not so normal ways, and laughing at myself in the process.
9. Watching "Clueless".
10. Letting other people take on my responsibilities (it's not like I don't do it for them!)

Ilovemylife.

club M.I.A.

2010-10-06T22:43:00.001-07:00

So this is where I will be next Thursday with my hollywood girlfriend. Talk about sticking out like a soar thumb.

I'm so excited.

Ilovemylife.

no lazy susan

2010-09-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

I haven't been this grateful for a day to end in a long time. Thank you Jesus. I've never more looked forward to putting pajamas on and turning off the world. While I may not be unplugging from my laptop or other such electronic devices, I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to unplug from the world, the week, this month, and today. Nothing particularly bad has happened. In fact, I'm beyond grateful for new and greater, deeper friendships than I've had in the past-er-ever. "Ilovemylife" is something you may hear me say throughout the day. And if you haven't heard it, just assume I'm thinking it.

Arriving at home today, knowing what lie ahead, I was in quite a mood. When Thursday comes, I want the day and week to be done. By Thursday I need space. I need quiet. I need to step aside and away, for just a moment. Tonight, however, would not be the night to do any of those things. So instead of lounging at home catching up on DVR, in the few moments I had, I put myself to bed. I cannot say I fell into a deep slumber, but a deep enough rest to ignore the hunger pang so strong I thought my stomach might turn itself inside out and begin appetizing on it's fellow organs. Upon waking I had a flashback of childhood. Of those few moments where nothing would fix my attitude except the nap I so desperately needed. It's amazing how loud your head and stomach can become when they are not pleased. In the moment before (and ultimately after) my slumber I realized just how loud my body can be. It's crazy how strong and selfish our bodies are. Selfish in this sense can be good and bad. Good because it tells me when I need to STOP. Bad because it will do anything and cross any path to make me do it.

It's my own fault for ignoring my body. I'm a shover, a pusher, and "power through it", a "figure it out", a "we'll make it work", "we'll make it happen", "I'll be OK" kind of person. While all of those things may be totally true and a part of who I am, it also means I will not deal with my own ish for the sake of making something happen and happen well. Just like when I am ravishingly hungry and willing to cross anyone or anything in my path to to satisfy my physical hunger, I am equally willing to plow through life ignoring my ish and avoiding *gasp* feelings for the sake of getting things done.

The concept of getting things done always brings me back to the story of Mary and Martha. In fact, this story has come up a few times in my life recently.

38As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. 40But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42but only one thing is needed.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
Luke 10:38-42

How often do I become consumed with the "doing" part of life? I'm no lazy Susan and I definitely don't spend much time with Jesus' feet. I want to choose the better choice, and I don't want it taken away from me. Our culture is so focused on the doing and getting things done, that we forget to experience the moment. The moments of joy. The moments of laughter. The moments of peace, sorrow, pain, and experiences we may face only once. We forget to experience God's presence, despite that fact that it is constantly smothering us like a coddled baby. I hate that about our culture. I hate that I've let it become who I am--or rather, what I do. I fill my days back to back feeling lazy if I don't. But when do I actually take the time to hear God's voice? How could I with the constant hum of this that and the other. You know the stuff. I don't need to tell you what fills your day, your ear, your wallet, your hands.

Jesus told the rich young ruler in Luke 18: 22 to "Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." While some might say wealth was the young ruler's downfall, I think this is true only in the sense that the young ruler did as he was told making sure to follow the rules and commandments but left no room for the King. By the time the ruler came to Jesus asking for eternal life his hands were too full with the stuff of life to be filled with God's love.

So what's your stuff? What needs to go? God is in constant communication with us and prayer goes two ways. Prayer is not a speech, it's a conversation. God is God no matter what but if we want to experience that in its entirety then we must be willing to make room for him. We must be willing to give up our stuff, take up our cross, and sit at Jesus' feet.

things i find #2

2010-09-30T06:57:00.000-07:00

Special branding for soldiers? I guess it's time we get our soldier's some fiber!

crap i find

2010-09-24T23:00:00.001-07:00

Go Angels!

Location: Wedding reception parking lot

...too many witty comments to just pick one.

More to come.

follow me #3

2010-09-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

Topic: Candy

I don't love candy. I'm not one of those people who just can't turn it down or can't stop myself from finishing a bowl of [your favorite candy]. I enjoy how much of it tastes. Some candies are so completely satisfying that I wonder why it hasn't been part of my life for such a long time. Why have I let myself miss out on such bliss? One thing I can't seem to turn down would be the love-it-or-hate-it joy that comes from none other than...candy corn. I don't think I am going to like it, but I know that I do like it because I have memories of liking it, so I try it, and I like it. I like not just the taste that reminds me of roasted marshmallows, but I like the memories associate with it. How often do we love things for the memories associated with it? As a kid I nibbled each layer down to the next in attempt to discover if each color had a distinct flavor. That's what I love about kids...their curiosity. Kids are curious, kids wonder, imagine, assume, and try things. I don't always love trying new things. I am adventurous when it's on my terms, but I don't love trying new things. I'm sure that makes me sound like a prude. I'm game for adventure, being silly, standing out for being ridiculous or trying new things, but only when I want to. Like I've mentioned before, I fear failure, I like perfection. I know I'm nothing close to it, but it's sure worth a shot. I'm talking to much about myself here. Let me start this over.

I dont' like candy, but I love candy corn. Candy corn is delicious, I have some on my side table that is currently taunting me in this semi-inebriated state so late at night after a long day. That was a run on sentence i think. Sorry about that. I hate those. I love editing. I would love to be an editor. I think it is seriously fun. What do you think is fun that most others might not? Math? Accounting? Chemistry class? Cleaning your toilet?

This is my brain on crack. Sorry about that. I never promised these would be good or interesting or make sense or be funny. These spaghetti thoughts are a release and a discipline for me. This is imperfection at it's best and me at my worst. Thanks for playing along...if you got this far. You don't know how much it pains me to hit the "publish post" button. That bright orange button staring me down and blinding my tired eyes. The pain is keeping me from hitting it...and continuing to make me ramble on. Again, sorry about that.

Did you follow? I don't blame you if you didn't. I didn't even follow myself.

Kbye.

play it again sam

2010-09-22T22:06:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot of really serious conversations lately and I'm ready for a break. I'm like a kid in a candy store with his hands tied behind his back and the scent of candy corn wafting through the air. I'm ready to let loose and simply play. I'm all about being a listening ear and sharing my completely honest opinion when asked, but there is a time for work and time for play, and now I say, is time to play.

That's all.

thingsgirlssay

2010-09-17T23:10:00.001-07:00

I may regret this, but check me out (no, not like that) on twitter at @thingsgirlssay

It can only get better from here.

[Please note tweets will made by myself and another. Speaking of which, remember when no one knew how to talk about Twitter in the past tense? Talk about inappropriate.]

follow me #2

2010-09-14T23:38:00.001-07:00

I should be fired for my lack of blogging. Crap, I hate when people talk about their blogging habits within their blog. As you know, I enjoy writing. What you may not know is that in attempt to write the best, most perfect, fabulous, award winning blogs, I am often paralyzed by the thought of failure. So instead, I read other people's blogs.

In attempt to break that habit, I'm just going to write. Remember when I rambled like only a girl can do? Well, here you go again. A briefing into my spaghetti thoughts.

Topic: The VMA's

I love the VMA's. Have I ever told you that? I know you know I am slightly obsessed with all things black, with all things pop culture, with all things f-a-b-o-l-o-u-s. Speaking of which, it's unfortunate that Chris Brown got the bad end of the deal. Yes, he's a wife/girlfriend/woman beater, but you can't help but feel a little bad for the guy, right? He was like, 20 at the time. Not a great excuse, but who's to say I wouldn't go CRaAZYy if I became famous? Have you seeeen Lady Gaga lately? A meat dress? Come on woman. I might prefer being a vegetarian to doing that, and that is an unfortunate life to live. My life, on the other hand, is quite fortunate. I'm loving it. Loving life, and loving friends, experiences, work, my 20's. All of the above. Love it. What don't I love? I'm sure something. Ya, rather not dwell on that. I know OTHER people don't love life. I wish they would. It would sure make things better for the rest of us. If only people thought outside the box, outside of themselves. Have you seen that new show, "World of Jenks"? Seems like a good guy. I think this will for sure be a good one. Although it may have brought up some feelings of inadequacy regarding one of my many complexes in life (that I'm secretly retarded and my family [or someone] pays my "roommate"/caretaker to be my friend and watch over me while I go to "work" and learn life skills). Oh well, even if I am, all the more power to me. Why do girls have complexes? Is it a girl thing or just a "me" thing? Maybe it's a "I think too much and read into too much" thing. At least I'm able to find joy as I read between the lines. The Bible is a great place to do that too. Like when Jesus gets all pissed at people selling stuff in the temple. What does he do? His first instinct is not to yell, hit, punch, or throw a temper tantrum. Instead he braids a whip. First of all, who taught Jesus how to braid? And second, that's pretty freakin' intense to whip someone! He was clearly P.O.'d. Back to the braiding though...can't you just imagine Jesus chillin' in his jammies and dirty feet with Mary as she teaches him to braid just before bed time? I mean, clearly he needed to figure out what to do with those dreads of his so they wouldn't get all knotted up. Did he braid other people's hair? His disciples? Is that what they really did after they broke bread in the upper room? I can imagine it now: Jesus and the disciples laying on their big comfy couches having a sleep over with his BFF's, eatin' some leavened bread, sippin' on some purple drank, braiding each others' hair. OK, maybe it was just wine, but I couldn't help the pop-culture reference. See? Gotta love pop culture. It's like a full circle. And here I am, back at the beginning.

Did you follow?

signs you know you're watching the BET awards

2010-08-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

[this post is thanks in part to my sister, Rev. Corrina]

Top reasons you know you're watching the BET awards:

1. The entire audience sings along to every song.
2. A gospel choir shows up in every song.
3. At least half the artists make references to artists who have recently done time.
4. You mistake at least one artist's mom for his girlfriend because, let's be honest, she probably had him at 14.
5. Everyone loves Jesus.
6. Everyone thanks Jesus.
7. Yolanda Adams performs.
8. Chris Brown does a tribute to Michael Jackson, who had already written a biography by the time said performer was born.
9. The show more resembles a pentecostal worship service than an actual award show.
10. You can't remember the last award that was actually given.
11. Queen Latifah's sexuality is still up for debate (thanks large in part to her own commentary).
12. During every commercial break you see an ad for anti-frizz hair products.
13. The only song featuring a white girl is performed instead by a black girl.
14. Eminem is still considered black (and still allowed to perform in above mentioned song).
15. Stevie Wonder makes an appearance and no one knows why.
16. Half the audience is wearing white.
17. Someone remakes a song originally sung by a white person, and does a better job at it.
18. The artist formally known as "Prince" joins in on his own tribute by wearing a shirt with a picture of himself on it.
19. Two names: Alicia Keys and Patty Labelle.
20. The audience leaves at the end of the night complaining of arm spasms (see #9).

Happy watching.

i have this problem

2010-08-25T22:36:00.001-07:00

I have this problem where I think about things too much, I feel too much, I think some more, I get overwhelmed, I panic a little, think about it some more, freak, then make a decision. By no means do I love that I do this, it's just something I've always done. The trouble is, no matter how much I hate that I do it, it always seems to work. My best decisions are made over the course of some serious T-I-M-E. I do it with freakin' everything. Even you had to sit with me as I debated over Facebook. Facebook people, FB! What's so stressful about that?

Speaking of which, in case you haven't seen for yourself, I kept FB. Rather, I'm keeping FB. I realized a few things about it:

1. I don't like how OTHER people treat FB.
2. I don't want to turn into above mentioned people.

I used to think that if the only place I talked to a person was through FB, then they can't really be a "close" friend. While I think that remains true to some extent, I also realize that life and distance can and does get in the way of true friendships and familial ties. Because that is unacceptable, I have chosen to keep FB. It means more to other people than it does to me. And what can I say? I'm a people pleaser.

In other news, I still don't know what to "theme" this darn blog. Instead I will continue to blog what I want, when I want, hopefully more often than not. Did you notice my absence? I know you did. Well, I must admit it has everything to do with my opening statement regarding my obsession with thinking. Maybe somewhere not-so-deep-down I thought that if I gave myself an ultimatum, if I told myself I couldn't write another blog until it revealed my new blog theme, then I would come up with some fabulous idea, propose it to "Real Simple" and be the next "Julie & Julia". Unfortunately that's not how it works. So here I am, continuing to blog simply what comes to mind for whoever even read this darn blog. Wait, I just lied. I don't really write this for you. I write this because I write. That's what I do, it's how I process all those thoughts I otherwise become overwhelmed by. I like making you laugh, but really only because it made me laugh first. Welcome to my world. Welcome to the jungle.

writing and rambling

2010-08-14T23:10:00.000-07:00

I've been writing and rambling on this blog for about two years now. I've gone through a few name changes and taken a leave of absence or two. As I write post 99 I am contemplating what 100 could be. A good friend (who didn't know I had a blog) told me tonight that I should start a blog. As much as I laugh at some of my own posts, I'd love to have a little more of a theme with what I I put out there for the world to read. I have a few ideas, but nothing concrete. With post 100 I'd like to start that journey...the journey of what "Scribbles" could be. Help me?

i made the jump

2010-08-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

Well, not so much of a jump as it was a leap.

I joined FB again. I am a little bit hating that I did, but I am only committed to a week. (Side note: this is beginning to feel like..oh, what's the word? Not purgatory...when you ask forgiveness from your priest as a Catholic? I am such a terrible "religion" major. You get the idea. I'm confessing. OH YA! Confession. I feel like I am going to confession.)

So I rejoined FB. I HATE that it is so easy and that my whole profile is back up and running just as I left it. To be honest I haven't looked through it at all, but I can tell that it's me from 2 yrs. ago. That's a really odd thought. It's kinda like looking through one of those junior high journals I mentioned in an earlier post.

Judge me if you like, I really don't care. The deal is this: I am committing to 1 week of FB (until next Friday) when I will decide what to do with it. Chances are HIGH that I will be "deleting" it once again, but at least at that point I can tell people I tried. I give thanks? gratitude? credit? to one particular friend for this move. I am doing it solely for her. I doubt I'll keep it. At the same time I am interested to see what will happen with it. Ugh. This is the crap I HATE about FB. I hate the hold it can have on you. I hate that it represents my life. I care too much what is presented to others, so this is just one more thing for me to obsess over. Maybe I am in a better place though now? Who knows. I'll keep you posted.

This should be interesting.

a few things

2010-08-10T22:17:00.001-07:00

To be totally honest, as I do so well, I haven't had many "blog thoughts" lately. I guess I am too busy living life. And I don't mean that in the "I'm too busy to talk to you" sort of way, it's just fact! Part of the problem is that I can't say I love talking about myself, what I did last week or this morning, or how I am feeling. Talking about such things are a little too "dear diary" for my taste. Besides, if I wanted to do that I could just get Facebook. Oops--did I just say that?

Speaking of which, the Facebook debate continues. I cannot tell you how many times I am asked in a week "you don't have Facebook?" or told "You HAVE to get a Facebook!". You'd think I was avoiding buying into the cell phone concept because of my awesome, see-through acrylic blue pager. Don't get me wrong, my mouth all but waters when I have the opportunity to sift through a photo album on Facebook. I feel slightly guilty for the sensation I get clicking vigorously through the photos as I try to soak in the contents of someone else's life. I would say the feeling is somewhat comparable to flipping the latest "People", although perhaps better because these people I actually know (unless I get a little too crazy and end up on a page I could not even trace my steps back from). Gosh I sound like such a stalker, but maybe it's because I am! Ok, perhaps I revealed too much. Crap.

Well, there are my current thoughts on Facebook. I actually considered reactivating my account today for a week or so to "try it out". While I am at it I am going to pick up some crack to share with a heroin addict down the street for the week to see if he's is still addicted. With that being said, I am sticking to my guns and continuing my Facebook BREAK.

In other news, I realized how freakin' seriously I've taken life until, well, now. If you know me at all you know I am a clutter nazi. I hate clutter. It makes me a little nauseous and I will gladly do without. In light of that I took time this week to sort through my closet. Mind you, I probably have a lower tolerance for things needing to be sorted through than is probably healthy, but I love it nonetheless. In the process of sorting through the typical girlish fair that I probably did not need in the first place, I decided to sift through a box of photos and journals. These were my initial observations:

1. I have written a LOT in my short life.
2. I was quite a tubby child.
3. I don't have any desire to go back to any point in my life.

Mind you, that last point is not to say I had a terrible life or lived a miserable existence. However, I would SO much rather live the life I have now. I am not super awesome, wealthy, popular, or talented, but I know that I am created in God's image and he has given me great abilities. Nothing is too big or scary to try (?), nothing is too embarrassing to share. Laughing is ALWAYS more fun. Nothing is the end of the world except the end of the world, which I have no control over. Control is overrated and perfection impossible.

As I read through journals dating back to Jr. High I literally cringed at the things I put so much though and energy towards. I'm sure I'm not the only one to devote probably a book's worth of pages to the boy I liked, but in reading those pages I was reminded of the anxiety, stress, and frustration I put myself through. I thought too much. I wrote too much. I feared life and what it would do to me.

So here I am, at 23, probably more naive and ignorant than I'd like to admit, but I am truly happy. God has given me the peace and joy I've prayed so diligently for this year. After all, ignorance is bliss-right?

facebook break

2010-07-22T23:56:00.000-07:00

Did you ever participate in "Model UN"? I did. I was pretty terrible at it and I assume the only reason I was a part of it was because I was forced to as a part of taking advanced classes. As an 8th grade class we discussed politics and current events, always picking a side to defend. Sometimes our side was determined for us in attempt to challenge our way of thinking and strengthen our debate skills. At least once we went to a Model UN conference of sorts where we debated other kids from other schools. We arrived in our yellow school bus wearing black business attire with sack lunches in hand. The black attire was about as much "business" as I accomplished that day. I was [am] a terrible debater.

You see, my problem is this: I constantly debate everything in my mind. I think things over and over and over again until I come to my own conclusion on things. I can always see both sides of things, which ultimately challenges my ability to choose and debate one side of a topic or argument. However, when it comes to day to day life/moral/ethical/practical decisions I can be pretty cut-throat. I know right from wrong, stick to it, and have strong opinions. Politics and current events are difficult for me to wrap my mind around.

You know what else I can't seem to wrap my mind around? Facebook. Good 'ol FB. People love it, hate it, love to hate it and love to love it. I literally cannot think of one person over the age of 12 in my life that doesn't have FB. My mom has it, my grandparents, friends, teachers, co-workers, boss--you name 'em they've got it. Except me. Don't get me wrong, I had FB at one point. I went through my Myspace phase towards the beginning of college and rocked it like all the hard-core emo kids with droopy, smudged eyes, faded photos and camera angles from far above or to the side. [Ok, maybe I didn't rock it that much]. That lasted at least a year or two until I went to the other side. I joined FB.

It confused me at first--yet another thing I could not wrap my mind around. Once I finally understood the concept of people wanting to know what I was doing at every moment of the day, and how to document the lives of my friends through digital albums that took eons to load, I was hooked. To know what my friends were doing, to catch up or at least find old friends from decades not so long ago was a thrill. I quickly joined the ranks of snoops emulating the FBI. My everyday conversations became convoluted with FB references as it had clearly tainted every aspect of my life. It became one more thing to check, one more thing to keep up on. I loved stalk--er--catching up on people's lives more than sharing my own, although that could be potentially fun as well. FB quickly became a part of life for my generation and those before me in about as much time as it takes for a jr. higher to finish off a bag of skittles.

What's the problem you ask? Did you notice the last few paragraphs were written in the past tense? Well, it's because FB was a part of my life. Over a year ago I decided that I didn't like the hold it had on my life. I wanted to start living in the present focusing on my life instead of being consumed by the lives of others. It's far too easy for me to compare my life to others, and FB is a great tool for doing that. FB is the polished version of ourselves. It is everything we want to share with the world and nothing that's too private. If you go on FB and pick a photo album to sift through, chances are slim you'll find a picture of the author lounging on the couch watching T.V. in pajamas while eating popcorn with unbrushed hair (not a personal jab, I promise). Instead you'll find pictures from a vacation to Cabo, a night out with friends, the last time you went to the beach, and all awesome, documentable adventures people go on. While all those things are great, I hate finding out about my "friends" lives like that, and even more I hate when I look through pictures wishing my life was something it wasn't.

The fact is, I love my life and am having so much fun-almost too much fun. Why rock the boat? Why fix what ain't broken? Maybe I should take a chance, maybe I should try it out again. Maybe, maybe, maybe. The forever debate running in my head. The one I may never figure out without taking that chance.

Insights welcome.

WONDER

2010-07-21T06:35:00.000-07:00

2010 has brought a lot of change in me. Change that I so desperately hoped for without expecting it to happen. What change you ask? Well, first, I don't think I've never been as happy as I am. Second, I've never had this much fun. Third, I've never been this adventurous. Fourth, I've never felt this confident. I'm incredibly grateful for such changes and continue to be excited for what's in store for me.

For the longest time now I've had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that God has BIG things in store for me. I realize that "big things" is a very loose term which could mean multiple things on many levels. I have no clue what these BIG things are or how they will play out, but I trust that God has a plan for my life. I am trying to wait patiently to see what these BIG things are, but I cannot help but WONDER. I WONDER when these big things will happen. I WONDER what these big things are. I WONDER who will be involved and what it will look like.

WONDER is an exciting thing. In WONDER I find a sense of hope and confidence in what the future will bring. In WONDER there is a sense of looking forward to something. The possibilities are endless and the dreams are BIG. But to be honest, I don't even know what to dream about.

As a little girl I dreamt of many, many things, and I dreamt them over and over and over. Part of the thrill of dreaming was the opportunity to plan and let me tell you, I'm a planner. What better combination could there be? The only problem with that now is that you cannot plan what you do not know. The possibilities are endless and I'm trying my hardest to be OK with that. I am trying to be OK not knowing and OK waiting. I'm not about to box myself in with a plan of my own, although sometimes I think that would be much easier. I have a few ideas of my own, which are about the size of a mustard seed. And while that may seem small, I know it could mean BIG things.

WONDER what some of my ideas are? Stay tuned and maybe I'll share.

To be continued...

ONE

2010-07-21T00:45:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to feel and see a lot of change around me. It's a bittersweet feeling, but something I asked for I guess.

You see, a few weeks back my pastor asked us to choose ONE thing to pray for this summer. ONE thing we wanted. ONE thing we wanted to know. ONE thing to continually bring to the Lord in prayer. Initially I didn't know what my ONE thing would be as it is difficult to choose just ONE thing when the possibilities and curiosities are endless.

In the end I decided to pray for this: What next step am I supposed to take?

Like I said, there is a lot of change surrounding me. Until now little of it has directly affected me. Even now the change still doesn't have anything to do with me but will affect me long term and change the dynamics surrounding me. It is a bittersweet feeling, but one that I know is right.

...to be continued.

you're so welcome

2010-07-14T22:55:00.000-07:00

I'm turning into my sister. And by that I mean that I am quite the techy-multi-tasker and internet junkie these days. I'm not saying it's a healthy obsession, but give me a break already--a girl's aloud a vice or two, right?

Here are my two favorite websites, totally worth the time it will take you to follow the link. I promise you. Just be prepared to get sucked in. And try not to judge.

www.peopleofwalmart.com

www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com

You're so welcome.

P.S. If the links don't work, just cut and paste.

if I had a twitter...

2010-07-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

this is what I'd tweet:

@lli$on

Thursday lunch: Yep, Hanging out with my good friend Kelly Rowland (Destiny's Child) at @UrthCafe. Officially my new favorite eatery.

Thursday snack #12: Who knew so many froyo flavors existed outside the O.C. gates? I love you nutella flavored yogurt. I love you @Twirl.

Thursday appetizer: Hey Charlie from "The Hills"! Thanks for hanging out today. Your mom seems really super.

Thursday snack #17(1): @Twirl, I won't judge you for cleaning out the Nutella machine if you don't judge me for eating yogurt twice in one day.

Thursday evening: Note to self: 1. Start ministry union, 2. Start movement to double the salary of people in ministry union, 3. If previous actions fail, begin strike, 4. When that fails, get over yourself and be grateful for what you have.

Thursday later evening: So it IS possible to go to the same store at two different locations and buy something different at each one. Thanks @nthropologie! You make my life just swell.

RT @KatOss: Spotted A.Mo stalking celebs...Hopefully she won't get caught, you know you love me xoxo KatOss

(1) Also, please don't judge me for documenting my day by meals and snacks.

Thanks. You're welcome.

GAM

2010-07-08T23:01:00.000-07:00

Please, please, please go to this website and read through as much of it as you can.

http://www.deargirlsaboveme.com/

Your welcome.

You can thank me later.

A.mo

what makes YOUR IBS flare up?

2010-07-07T20:59:00.001-07:00

Crap, why does John Mayer make such good "let's contemplate my life" music? I'm not sure what it is exactly. I'm not sure if John Mayer even contemplates his own life considering all the *cough* respectable life choices he seems to make. But who am I to judge? For all I know he sits in his underwear strumming away at his guitar in rainy weather drinking chamomile tea while writing in his journal and staring at the stars. While I may not be as talented, coordinated or have such an ability to multi-task, I have had some contemplative moments in the last few days. Maybe it has something to do with actually having days of with no agenda and nothing to do? Man, I should really get me some more of those--then I'd be really awesome.

All that to say, here's my question for you: What call in your life most scares the crap out of you?

And by scared I mean:
1. Makes you want to vomit
2. Pisses you off a little
3. Makes you actually consider running a marathon in the opposite direction
4. Makes your IBS flare up
5. Actually makes you consider the Peace Corps as a good, albeit "long term" option

And I don't mean:
1. Makes you jump for joy like you just unstuffed a box of kleenex in under a minute
2. Makes watching "The Bachelorette" with your significant other sound like the best idea EVER
3. Makes Ali look like a real winner (See above)
4. Inspires you to start selling "Texas Tails" like it was the best invention ever made (akin to the "Bump It")
[here is my other shameless plug for this also incredible creation for all those hoping to add a little "pop" to their life, i.e. girls who wish they were black]
5. Tricks you into thinking these are the classiest girls EVER (1)

Now, I hope that wasn't too distracting for you. Offensive? Maybe. Distracting? Who am I kidding--I just distracted myself.

Back to the original topic (which ironically has absolutely nothing to do with any of the things listed above). So, what call most scares the crap out of you?

Today I realized that whatever that "call" is on your life is probably the thing you are actually meant to do. Me? What scares the crap out of me? Ministry. But don't worry, I'm still in denial on this one. The thing is, I'm pretty damn good at at, or maybe I am just responsible and hard working, but either way it seems as though everything in my life has pointed me in exactly the direction I am going. I've avoided it as much as possible. I've tried to think of other things to do with my time and talents. I've come up with some pretty good ideas in the process too. But the thing is, while those are all great, I don't think they are for me. I think where I am is where I'm meant to be, for now.

You see how I added that "for now" thing at the end there? That's the denial. I say it not because its true but because adding it to any statement immediately makes the statement seem less permanent and therefore less scary. Adding "for now" adds a sense of hope and that everything-will-be-OK feeling only your mom, baby blanket, and cake can give you. Apparently "for now" is a commitment phobes life mottow--which I am beginning to wonder if I am. I don't use the phrase often, just on the important things I guess. Crap.

Clearly this is a work in process for me and I imagine it is for you too. I'm not sure at what point this call with settle well with me. I'm not sure if it ever will. Scripture says God will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4); he never said he would make sure I was comfortable in the process.

(1) Have you noticed yet that I probably watch too much late night T.V.?

-------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for listening. I've mentioned it before and I'll say it again, I'm writing this for no other reason than to share my spaghetti thoughts with you and hopefully give you a laugh. And if you didn't follow, go back to the beginning, read it again, and see if you can figure me out. I dare you.

[ˌmisəˈlānēəs]

2010-07-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

It's really too bad John Mayer is such a man-whore; he makes some pretty damn good rain-in-July music. If rain-in-July had a musical equivalent "Continuum" would be it.

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Apparently I don't text very well. But you see, that's just it--I don't text well when I don't like you. Boo-ya. The criticism's all yours.

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Do you ever find yourself unknowingly giving dirty looks? Well, not so much "unknowingly" as "oops-did-I-just-make-that-face-out-loud?"
I tend to do it most often when:

1. I'm tired
2. I don't care
3. You just did something retarded
4. You deserved it
5. You should really stop doing that

...I'd say such looks are uncommon coming from me, but really I just usually do a better job keeping the looks to myself.

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No amount of time will prepare me to "get back into the swing of things" at work or home. So for now I am pretending everything is vacation. Work tomorrow? Just a little blip in my day. Need to have a meeting with me? Sorry, I'm on vacation. Need me to drop something off in the building? Sorry, on vacation. Answer the phone? Return your e-mail? Vacation. I'll get back to you when I feel like it, thank you.
[Side note: any thoughts on making this my "out of office" return e-mail?]

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Just when I thought I was "in", I had one of those cool-kids-at-the-lunch-table moments, and I was on the wrong end. Haven't felt like that since J. High when my 3 "really cool" friends and I ate lunch together-er-seperate from everyone else. OR when my caring "friends" so considerately referred to me by their loving-if not descriptive-pet name, "Powder". Good thing I brought my own lunch, I didn't want to eat your grubby, processed shi-I mean, food, anyways.

Seriously though--shafting people is about as cool as LiLo becoming plastic. While you're busy being a "typical selfish, back-stabbing slut-faced ho-bag" I will happily maintain my status as the "home schooled jungle freak" (1).

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Thanks for listening. Please join me again soon in the midst of my infinite abyss (2).

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1. Anyone?
2. Anyone?

picture worth a thousand words

2010-07-04T07:45:00.000-07:00

You know the phrase, "I'm a little bit country, a little bit rock and roll"? Or maybe it's a song lyric (have I ever mentioned that I rarely pay attention to the lyrics--except for the really inappropriate ones you just can't get past?). Well, I'm definitely NOT country, and I wouldn't say I am much rock and roll either, but I am a little bit of a few things.

I'm a little bit grandma.
I'm a little bit gangsta.
I'm a little bit tired.
I'm unfortunately a lot gluten free.

Picture worth a thousand words:

you know you are tired when...

2010-06-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

1. You are wearing the same shirt/short/flip flop combo for the 4th day in a row.
2. You drive across the street to go to work.
3. You use the railing to pull yourself up the stairs.
4. You go to bed at 8:30pm (and sleep through the night).
5. You go to the cupboard for oatmeal and bring out popcorn.
6. You find a bowl under your bed from the time (2 nights ago) you woke up hungry in the middle of the night (which happens more than you would think).
7. You continue to sit on the floor, fearful of the day, after 29 other people have managed to stand up and get going.
8. You cry. A lot. In front of your boss(es) and volunteers.
9. The only thing to truly make you laugh is a picture of a little boy SO excited to be at VBS that he would piss his pants (seriously, how did that get on the website?)
10. Your roommate finds you crying alone in the bathroom.
11. You hug your roommate (we don't hug).
12. Just thinking about the day makes you start crying.
13. Out of desperation, you look up the name of a resort you saw on "The Hills" in the possible hopes that maybe, just maybe you could afford a spur-of-the-moment trip to Costa Rica.
14. You refer to the world's slowest sales associate as "Molasses Wednesday".
15. You fall UP the stairs.
16. You literally crawl from one room to another.
17. Telling a story sounds more like speaking in tongues while wearing a retainer.

Gosh, I sound like such a pansy. Whatever.
I don't really care what you think :)

the numbers game

2010-06-28T21:13:00.001-07:00

Generally speaking I am not a big fan of the "numbers" game that often gets played in so-called mega churches. I don't love when numbers are spouted off after a major church event, or even the smaller ones. I hate comparing the number of kids that attended an event this year to last like I hate dwelling on that dumb number on the scale each fateful time I walk into the doctor's office (I've learned to avoid my own scale---pretty sure it's buried in some black hole in my bathroom, never again to see the light of day). However, this week I have been reminded why numbers matter.

Last year I attended a conference where a very well known pastor and author made a bold statement when asked about the "numbers" he so often rattles off and celebrates. He is pastor to a big church. And by "big" I mean BIG (think Biggie, not Tupac size). He is what you or I might call a "big shot". You either love him or hate him but and this particular interview I was at least learning to appreciate him. When asked about the numbers game his response was this:

"Numbers matter because each number represents a person, and each person represents life change."

To that I can agree. No more can I agree to it than this week when I saw 2,024 kids walk on to my church's campus with some 750+ volunteers in tow. I'm already beginning to hear stories about life change, and it's only day one. Through weeks like this you see the lives of kids change through the volunteers who are being challenged as leaders and spiritual "guides" (we literally call them guides) and the work God does through them. When 750+ volunteers step up to serve the Kingdom, life change happens. Kids learn to serve. They learn about Jesus. Friendships are formed and relationships are built. Each one of those 2,024 kids is a life that matters, a life that can elicit change in their own family and community. Each one of those lives matter, and I can give you the names of 750+ volunteers who would agree with me.

Thanks for letting me be a little cheesy today. You know I'm always good for some sarcasm, so I'm sure I'll get back to that soon enough. For now, xxxo GIGA (God Is Always Good--HA!) Ok, sorry I just wrote that out....might regret that later.

here we go (again)

2010-06-28T06:43:00.001-07:00

Today is day one, which is really day two, which is actually day three.

While today is the actual start, yesterday was set-up, and I'm already on day three of wearing this quite flattering blue t-shirt. And by flattering I mean not. Although I'm definitely not complaining in comparison to last year's neon green shirt.

This is day three of 8 actually. It will all be over in just 8 days. This shirt I will don 8 flattering times. I'm definitely going to find my husband in this shirt. Can't wait.

In all honesty, so far, so good. I think 2010 has been preparing me for this very week. At that moment when you think you might snap or break, laughter sets in and you [I] just can't stop. Laughter really is the best medicine. If the delirium I experienced yesterday is any sign of what is to come, this could be a very funny week. And by funny I mean tiring. And by tiring I mean fun. And by fun I mean exhausting. However, I've made it through this once before. I've done all I can do. I've organized and purged all possible knowledge, experience, and organization I possibly can. Now it's time to let others step in [God included] and rock it.

...to be continued.

this week

2010-06-27T07:52:00.001-07:00

You know that feeling of wanting to start something just so you can get it over with? Like doing a presentation or starting a project school related or not. Well, that's exactly how I am feeling. It's a bittersweet feeling. I genuinely want to start something. But even more, I want to be done with it. Currently I'd rather be in the middle of it than waiting around for it. And at the same time I'm dreading it.

I've spent a relatively unsuccessful weekend relaxing. Considering how much I love being home, how much I love doing nothing on the couch, how much I love T.V. and being alone, I'm not very good at the whole "relaxing" thing. Maybe I should get one of those "Frankie Says RELAX" t-shirts that came from my generation (although I admit I was likely in diapers at the time the shirt was popularized). Maybe if I added that to my nightshirt rotation the phrase might somehow seep into my pours and take hold of my mind and body. Hmm, remind me to do that.
[P.S. How did I manage to sound like a loner night-shirt-wearing-grandma stuck in the 80's in a matter of three sentences?]

This week (and today) have been a long time coming, and arrived quicker than a plane with no wings. Let's hope the landing goes OK.

This week is exhausting to think about, so I'm [sort of] trying not to do that. I'm praying for super human strength and the ability to take things one at a time. I'm hoping (and planning) on enjoying this week. Hope and pray with me!

...to be continued.

brooklyn vs. laguna beach

2010-06-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

For being in Children's Ministry I listen to some pretty trashy music. While most people jazz themselves up for Sunday morning with a stop at Starbucks on the way into the 9am service or with the hope for a between service donut, I get my swag on by listing to T.I.'s "Swing ya rag" or the good ol' standby, Jay-Z on my 2.5 minute commute. My latest addition to the playlist? Christina Aguilera & NIcki Minaj's "Wahoo". If you know Christina, or have perhaps come across one of Nicki's latest slew of features in popular rap songs, this song is no "Genie in a Bottle". But don't worry, I bought the "clean" version.

Speaking of which, what passes for "clean" these days is quite open to interpretation. Not only in music, but in T.V. as well. Unless I am on my own on this one, I'm pretty sure there was an unedited F-bomb dropped at the MTV Movie Awards on cable T.V. a few weeks back. But I'm not here to judge. (Note here that I am only adding to the pile of evidence proving my tendency to listen to trashy music).

At one point I owned actual worship CD's, well, probably burned copies, but worship music nonetheless. I liked it. I listened to it. I moped around my room to it in my teenage angst. I'm not sure where all those CD's ended up--probably in Panama along with my baby blanket that I swear is keeping a small child warm at night. I mean, it's got to get cold at night there, right? Crap. It's amazing what you'll tell yourself to make losing your fondest childhood memento hit you in the gut a little less harshly.

Back to the worship music. I'm really not sure what happened to all that music, but I definitely don't own any currently. Unless you count U2, which is still up for debate. I could buy some. There is bound to be a "Top 10 Christian Downloads on iTunes" list, but really I'd rather check the "Genius Recommendations" which currently list the following suggestions:

1. Drake, Thank Me Later
2. Eminem, Recovery
3. Drake, 9am in Dallas
4. The Bravery, Live at the Wiltern...
5. 3OH!3, Double Vision
6. Weezer, Represent
7. Ice Cube, I Rap that West
8. The Gaslight Anthem, American Slang

...and quite a few others. Oh look!

9. Jesus Culture, My Passion

Hmm, I wonder how that ended up on there? I must have something with "Jesus" in the title buried in my rap & alternative laced iTunes library. However, in my defense Coldplay's "Parachutes" happens to be my number 1 played song with a play count of 259. While it may not be "Christian" music at least it's clean, right?

To be honest, I don't feel much remorse over my lack of the Red Man, Song on a Hill, or other Christian goodness. Personally I think it's funny when I catch myself listening to Snoop Dogg & Pharell's "Drop it Like it's Hot" or the New Boyz' "Skinny Jeans" while editing small group lessons and writing volunteer e-mails. Sometimes that's all that keeps me going through the day.

Speaking of getting through, who get's motivated for a good workout by listening to "Blessed by Your Name"? Let's be honest people, it just doesn't work like that. Maybe I'd give in to it for a stretching session at the end of a good burn, or perhaps a contemplative walk along the beach (really though, how often does that actually happen?) if you paid me with frozen yogurt at the end. There is nothing like turning Destiny Childs' "Survivor" or Christina's "Fighter" on to get your butt in gear.

I am definitely not judging you, your taste in music, or likely extensive collection of the Red Man. This is just one of those ironic thoughts I think is funny. There is really no other reason for sharing this with you than to hopefully get a good laugh out of it for you. I love my rap. I love my hip hop. I love that people never expect it out of me. I come across as more of a Jack Johnson, Taylor Swift kind of girl. While I think I own both those albums, they are pretty far down on my play count list. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong body, or rather the wrong colored body. Or at least in the wrong town. When it comes to music, I'm a little more Brooklyn, a little less Laguna Beach. I like it that way, And I look forward to many more dance parties to keep me laughing, and to keep you on your toes.

there was a spider in my bed tonight

2010-06-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

I must admit, although you already know, that I have totally slacked at blogging in the last few weeks. I have had numerous "blog thoughts", but as much as I wish I could remember every one of those thoughts, I must admit it's a talent I have yet to learn.

I'm currently in the midst of VBS. I hate to be the Children's MInistry person who makes a bigger deal of it than necessary, but it really is a draining time of year. It takes a special breed of people to make VBS happen, and for that reason alone I am beyond grateful for the volunteers I have on my team this year. I'd say it couldn't be done without them, but I know that's not necessarily true because I am pretty sure that's exactly what happened last year; the "Ali Show" as I like to call it. Honestly the thought of the S*** that hit the fan last year makes me well up with tears.

But on to other things...OK, that's all I got. My mind is a bit consumed with VBS right now. I'll keep you posted if I have any witty, smart things to share with you. I always do--it's just a matter of me writing them down.

Sorry to bore you with my life. I prefer topical blogs than talking about myself. But this will have to do for now.

P.S. No, the title had nothing to do with the blog. Just thought I would share that fact with you.

storytime

2010-06-15T23:34:00.001-07:00

No, it's not reading time for your toddler.

Although memories of tattered old books, visions of mommies and their toddlers (or nannies in my case) and the dingy smell of library books and baggies of stale goldish might come mind when you think of "storytime", the storytime I am talking about is a little different. The storytime I am talking about elicits visions of an old guy leading equally old worship songs, my pastor and his entourage furiously scribbling down notes, the smell of burnt coffee, and awkward attempts to instigate a varity of emotions through christianese taglines like "this is a story about God's ability to shine in the closet of life" come to mind. Ok, no one ever said that last tagline, but it's pretty darn close to the gems I get to hear every Tuesday, bright and early.

Like I said, every Tuesday our staff comes together to tell stories of what is going on in our respective ministry areas. What started as an opportunity to celebrate what good God is doing throughout our church somehow morphed into what feels like a show and tell-off to get credit and approval for our hard work. Notes are written on a variety of non-iPads (i.e. steno pads), cameras roll tape and game faces are put on. Some love it, some hate it, others just get through it.

I think I am in that last category. In my two years of staff I've shared a few stories, even gotten a few laughs and a shout out or two (bonus points in my book). But generally speaking I look at the stories, the worship, the filming and the awkward silences simply as the start to another Tuesday. The least I'll get out of it is a good laugh at the guy who loves singles ministry an calls me (quietly) "the next children's pastor" and the girl who coughs into the mic (my rommate).

However, lately there is added pressure for us to share at storytime. I'd rather not, but I am willing. I am not quite sure what the drawback is for me. Here are the thoughts that usually go through my head on Monday night in preparation for an early Tuesday start:
1. My story is incomplete
2. My story is cliche
3. My story is boring
4. My story is short
5. My story is not funny
6. Someone else will tell their story, why do I need to share one?
7. I don't have a story
8. I don't like [insert person writing on steno pad in front of me] and I don't want to play along in this game.
9. His/her/their story is much better than mine
10. No one died in my story
11. No one got "saved" in my story
12. Everyone else's story was years in the making and I am only 23.
13. Suck it

Ok no, I don't usually think that last one, but maybe a little small part of my feels that way.

As good as it is to celebrate that God is good, there is something about the gloating--at least how I see it--that drives me bonkers. Storytime seems contrary to that whole "humility" thing we talk about so frequently come the 5pm, 9 & 11am services. Maybe it's all in my head. Or maybe this is one of those "mega church" things I will just never be used to. I'm still not used to all the number reportig stuff, but at least now I expect it. I cannot help but feel like the stories are contrived.

But that is the cynic in me.

I realized something important last week. My supervisor said somethig along the lines of,

"If we don't have stories from the moment and weekend when we are exhuasted, then we need to reevaluate why we are so exhausted becuse we definitely feel it often."

It's true. I'm tired pretty often. This past weeked was a perfect example. Excluding the personal life stuff I did last weekend (was there any??) here's an idea of what my weekend looked like:

Friday: Sleepover with Jr. Highers (pool, food, movies, breakfast...)

Saturday: shopping for parent/Jr. High meet & greet, church*, set up for services, set up meet & greet, blow up balloons, train summer intern, church, clean up, change clothes,
Jr high awards ceremony...home.

Sunday: pick up donuts, set up meet & greet, get service started, head to Jr. high service 25 mins in to see small group girl speak, back to church, meet & greet, church, clean, kick people put, training meeting, home.
*Small Group Celebrations weekend

Attention: This is not an attempt to get your sympathy. This is an extreme (but very real) depiction of a weekend in ministry.

As you can see, a lot happens in a weekend. And the same goes for my personal life. You are no different. You are not excluded from this lifestyle; chances are you're right their with me. But if there are no stories from all we do, and by these I mean the (dare I say) "God stories", then what's the point? Life is worth living when everything you do is for God. Our efforts should not be done in vain to better ourselves or make ourselves look better. Ultimately our efforts only matter when we do them to honor God and bring others to know his name. Our efforts should be for the Kingdom.

I'm nt always good at this. To be honest I'm down right bad at it more often than not. But it's a thought. A thought I am processing and workng through. Unfortunately I think this is one of those things that will always be a work
In progress.

I'd rather work.

if I had a twitter...

2010-05-28T21:17:00.001-07:00

...this is what I'd tweet...

@lli$on

Monday: Surprise! I still have my V-card. Never had someone "notice" that about me.

Wednesday: You know it's bad when you make a purchase at a certain unmentioned clothing establishment, go to put the receipt in your wallet, only to place it on top of another receipt from already mentioned clothing establishment. Oops.

Friday morning: Who says playgrounds are for kids? Stupid big kid rules.

Friday afternoon: Add something to your [babysitting] resume everyday. Today? Making luminairies.

Friday late afternoon: Never go to a wedding if you were kicked out of the wedding party a month before the big day--unless you plan on showing up in your already purchased bridesmaid dress.

Friday evening: Didn't know you needed gloves to use the elyptical. I should get me some of those.

Friday night: You know you are tired/lazy/exhausted/lacking an Internet connection when you actually contemplate, then start to watch "Hocus Pocus" instead of getting a DVD from downstairs.

Hope you enjoy my thoughts. Clearly I do.

glutton for home

2010-05-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

At the start of every year my pastor goes on a rant of some new devotional book or style that he wants us all to do together. Sometimes he promotes a book, or maybe a "through in a year" type of Bible, but his ultimate goal is to get us into the Word. Along those same lines, he is also open about his own personal journey through Scripture and how he approaches his devotional time.

A few years ago he shared with us that each day he devotes two pages of his journal to such a time. On one page he lists at least ten things he is thankful for, trying to be aware of even the smallest things in life. On the other page he spends time using one acronym or another to talk to God (as if God prefers poetry to non-fiction).

Something about the "thankful" page stuck out to me. When 2010 began I decided to utilize a similar style of devotional time, putting emphasis on the thankful. To be honest, I haven't kept up with it as much as I'd like but there is joy in each list I create and a sense of peace. Shoot, even "peace" has made it to the list. As I look back at those lists I notice one thing I am especially thankful for on a regular basis: my home.

For whatever reason I have always had an inclination toward home: being home, playing house, decorating, cleaning, organizing, etc. I love the sense of coming home to a place that is my own. As an introvert I thrive on the energy I receive from being in my own space on my own time, usually alone. However, I grew up in a family of 6 and quickly learned to appreciate the white noise that comes along with it. Knowing someone is in the other room, across the hall, or making a meal in the kitchen comforts me like the scent of dinner cooking and the whir of the washing machine spinning my gym clothes like ocean waves. To me, this is home.

On the other hand, I am not unaccustomed to that feeling of "cabin fever". While I have probably never experienced true cabin fever seeing that I grew up in a warm, coastal climate, my love of home has occasionally given me the sense of needing to get out. So, to the beach, to the pool, to the mall, or a museum I go, only to return to that place of comfort I hold so dear. The fix for cabin fever doesn't take much--just a few hours away and already I'm looking forward to home. I've heard that "absence makes the hear grow fonder" and I'm beginning to think its true.

I'm a glutton for home projects: organizing, sorting, cleaning, throwing away, re-organizaing, cooking, etc. You name it, I probably enjoy doing it (except for those never-ending dishes in the sink). The order I attempt to create keeps me sane and welcomes me each morning as I wake and evening as I walk through the door.

Although my initial intent in ordering my home in such a way is to create a home for myself, I also hope to create a home for every person who walks through the door behind me. I want people to feel the peace I feel as I linger on the couch in my pajamas catching up on reality T.V. while surfing the internet and snacking on popcorn. My hope is that they might join in with me, or better yet, do what they need to do: raid the pantry for snacks, grab a magazine to sift through, snag a blanket to curl up with on the couch, or sit with me and shoot the breeze.

I've heard many times that "home is where the heart is". To be honest I am not totally sure what that means or if there is any truth to the statement. What I do know is that my heart is happy when I am at home.

Now, despite my near obsession with playing house I must admit it's not exactly perfect. Often times you'll find a cluttered pile of unopened mail, un-emtied recycling bins, and a dishwasher that needs running. Stains spot the carpet thanks to a bunch of awkwardly growing jr. high girls. My tub needs scrubbing, and the patio sweeping. No matter how hard I try nothing is ever perfect for long. But these things make home home as much as that whiff of dinner and whir of the wash. I'm not perfect so it's only appropriate that my home wouldn't be either.

Home might be where your heart is, or maybe you left it somewhere and you're missing it dearly. Home is what you make it where you make it; it's who you are and what you're about. Home is where you find peace and joy.

if i had a twitter...

2010-05-22T07:12:00.001-07:00

...this is what I'd tweet [photo edition]...

@llison

Wednesday: Didn't know "Little House on the Prairie" was a sponsor of Disneyland. Maybe there'll be a movie?

i do not like junior highers

2010-05-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

I got foiled...

...and it kind of made me want to cry.

But I must admit I asked for it:

Good thing I love these girls.

P.S. I just found foil in my bed. Foil sheets=not cool.

i did not go on a blind date

2010-05-16T23:29:00.001-07:00

A few things I have not nor would ever do:

I did not agree to go on a blind date knowing little to nothing about the person.

I did not not talk to him on the phone for less than three minutes only 20 minutes before meeting him for lunch.

I did not give this stranger a hug upon meeting him for the first time.

I did not admit within the first five minutes that I work at a church. Normal people don't talk about religion on a first date-that would be taboo and definitely not PC.

I definitely did not order a burger sans bread or cheese. I did not try to avoid explaining my food allergies. Upon explaining them my date did not try to comfort me by saying, "ya, it took me forever to figure out I was allergic to wool." I was not laughing hysterically in my mind. It was absolutely, most definitely not funny.

I was not relieved when he didn't offer to pray for lunch. The last boy I dated never prayed for dinner and it was never awkward. I definitely pray for every meal, snack and beverage regardless of whose company I am in. I'm pretty sure he does too. That's what all good christians do, right?

I did not share my major in college (religion). That would be awkward and potentially make for an awkward conversation with someone not prepared for what they were getting into.

I did not find out he practices a very, very different religion.

I did not admit that I secretly really want a bunny.

We absolutely did not end our date by going to look at bunnies at the pet store.

And I certainly would never point at and pet the bunnies oohing and awing about how cute and fluffy they are. I also did not share that I am really excited about the prospect of naming a bunny.

I did not not know his last name by the time I got home.

I did not make my roommate look him up on Facebook to find out.

Brought to you by Not me Monday.

i simply cannot commit

2010-05-15T15:25:00.001-07:00

I must admit my favorite part about blogging has nothing to do with the keys on my fingertips, brainstorming ideas to write about, or even reading the comments people leave. While all those things are grand, and I enjoy each in their own right, for me the most thrilling part is naming the posts.

Despite how naturally the titles seem to come, the irony lies in the fact that I cannot even name my own blog. Sure I thought "Gluten Free-Dumb" was witty at the time, and I still think that's true, but the time has come to turn the page to a new chapter with a new title.

Help me please?

always read between the lines

2010-05-14T19:38:00.000-07:00

Earlier I read one of those "letter from the editor" type of articles you find on the last page of a magazine. You know, the ones whose primary purpose is to get you to see that final ad on the inside back cover, er, I mean read to the very last page. These articles tend to be somewhat inspirational, bordering on influential. If not that, they at least make you stop to think for a minute, realizing the truth of the words spelled out by the editor from thousands of feet up in the air, then feel a slight twinge of guilt for not being able to live your life with such freedom/discipline/patience/some-other-positive-life-style-we'd-all-like-to-strive-for.

But today I noticed something a little different. To be honest I don't totally remember the point of this particular 100-word article. I remember the picture that took up 75% of the page, but not the point. However, one thing did stand out to me. The editor/author made a comment about being "overwhelmingly busy, like all of you." To which I thought, "that's not true." While that may be true for some, I can't exactly say the same for myself. If I compare my life to what I perceive her life to be like, I'm the tortoise and she's the hare. This wasn't always the case, even though her "busy" has and will always be worth a lot more than my "busy" (monetarily that is).

While those thoughts might make a person feel a little down about themselves-shoot, a year ago it would have made me feel down about myself-my next thought was, "I don't really want that life". I don't want the "overwhelmingly busy" life so many people love, or rather, find value in. I'm not happy when my life is characterized by anything considered overwhelming.

Now, I realize you might be thinking, "yes darling, just wait until you have kids" or "maybe you are becoming complacent" or "oh sweetie, you are so young and naive" but I am going to go out on a limb here and say that to at least some extent you determine the life you live. I realize there are many, many factors that play into where life leads. Even I have been overwhelmed by life in the last few years (haven't we all?). So while I may be young and naive, I know enough to say that people who are overwhelmed are not fun. Overwhelmed people are stressed, emotional, don't think straight, confuse easily, and are short with others. I don't want to be that person. I don't like that person, so why would I want to be them? I will not call the kettle black.

The impact of these thoughts was only made greater by the fact that as I read the article I was being held by an 18 month old sleeping baby boy. From here I could have laid this sweet boy on the couch to do the dishes, sweep the floor, and pick up the house for his seemingly overwhelmed mother, but instead I chose to sit with my cheek resting on his toe-head locks filtering the warmth permeating from the heavy weight that rested on my chest. Instead I chose to live in the moment, to rest in the moment. How often does a bouncing, running, jumping, climbing 18 month old boy want to cuddle and rest on your chest in the mid-morning hours of a house waiting to be wrecked?

From this article I learned two things:

1. Live in the moment

2. Read between the lines

The message I found was not the one intended. I'm glad I found it though. I'd much rather live in the moment and actually be present in my own life. You've heard the phrase "stop and smell the roses" and after a mid-morning slumber we literally did just that. So go, find some roses, by yourself or alone, and smell them. Really smell them. They really do smell good. "Rose" is not just a perfume, not just a scent created by man to make woman smell sublime. It comes from good ol' nature and it smell better coming from that coral rose in your neighbor's garden than it does from the dusty perfume bottle buried in your medicine cabinet.

Being present is more than raising your arm to have your name checked off a list. Presence is a mindset. It is realizing this world is bigger than you are. It is acknowledging that you are not in control. There is no need for complacency, just the ability to be present and willing to read between the lines.

things i'm learning (this week)

2010-05-13T21:07:00.002-07:00

1. Where some might call me "delicate" I'd call it confidence.

I'll let you decide for yourself.

2. When you ask God to surprise you, he doesn't doesn't let you down.

(more on this later)

3. The text smile or " : ) " is the boy version of text-flirting.

We've all heard of "sexting" but what about 'tirting"?

Oh yes, I went there.

Texting + Flirting = Tirting.

Sounds like you might need to change your skivvies, right? In my highest hopes the term will stop people from doing it considering it sounds like you're about to mess in your drawers, but I'm not about to bet my favorite chones on it. Clearly "sexting" did not stop sex-texting. Look, I'm not saying this term is going to catch on, but if it does--I'm just saying I deserve a little credit for it. If you're judging me right now--you're just jealous you didn't think of it. If you're laughing at me right now--good job. That's was my goal.

4. Sometimes no plan is the best plan.

5. Separation brings out the worst in people and change gives you the option to sink or swim.

6. God knows timing way better than I do.

7. According to Scripture cleanliness is not next to Godliness. However, planning (my other vice) might actually be next to Godliness.

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Now if only I could rationalize my other vices with Scripture.

"In the beginning God created the heavens and peanut butter." Genesis 1:1

8. God doesn't like to give it to us all at once. He'd rather give us just enough to keep us going. Wonder why? I guess to keep us needing him...apparently he prefers it that way.

9. Yes I have a blog, but social media scares the crap out of me.

What have you learned?

if I had a twitter...

2010-05-10T06:54:00.001-07:00

...this is what I'd tweet:

@llison

Friday: If you're not floor two you smell like poo.

Late Saturday: Tupac lives-call me.

Later Saturday: "Santa Maria is NOT the OC--I think we're in TJ."-White people

Sunday: "Guys, let's talk about the sweaters on my teeth right now. Why are they ready for winter? Who has some toothpaste?"-Mo $

the experiment

2010-05-09T23:48:00.001-07:00

You might think we're obnoxious, you might think we're insane. We're a little less PC than maybe we ought to be, and we don't really seem to care a whole lot what you think we are. We're loud and obtrusive, the life of the party. You might think we're a sorority or Christian club gone awry, but the one thing we are is an experiment. That is, floor 2.

In true little sister form I carried on the tradition of starting my freshman year of college on floor 2. From the beginning we were a force to be reckoned with, a breed of our own. This floor might be different than floor 2's of decades past, but we're not one you want to (or can) forget.

What fascinates me most is something I learned tonight, from the mouth of babes. We might never have been. Why? Because we were an experiment. Despite our differences there is something that brought us together. And I don't mean that in the "there is a reason for everything" or "God has a plan for your life" kind of way, although both might very well be true. What brought us together? Fashion. Ironically it was the one part of me that didn't want to be there, the part of me that dreamt of big cities, design classes, and sewing tutorials. But for the time being, those dreams were put aside in place of Bible classes, morning chapel, and the Caf.

I think we all put something aside to be there. Something that ultimately brought us all together. We might not last. We may not get along. We might blow up. But we were worth a shot. In 6 years we've fought, forgotten, disagreed, and BloWn UP. In 6 years we've laughed together more than a group of laughing yogis. Laugh at what you ask? Mostly each other. We've spent time apart--weeks, months, even years. We've been the thorn in each other's sides. We've crossed boundaries and said too much.

The thing that stands out to me most now though is that we've changed. For the better.

It's been incredible to see the transitions each of us have made or experienced in our own lives. We're married, we're having babies, engaged, single, confident, fun, beautiful, driven. Every last one of us is fighting for what we want in life, and laughing at ourselves and each other in the meantime.

Gone are the days of sneaking around together or behind each other's backs. Gone are the days of sneaking out, sleeping in, sneaking others in, and taking midnight runs to satisfy our midnight munchies and secure our bodies' hold onto our freshman 15. Gone are our insecurities and unhealthy dependencies. We are a force to be reckoned, a powerhouse of personality. Personalities that might not always blend, but can be laughed at nonetheless. We are each unique in our own right. We live our own lives and count different blessings. But we are and will always be--floor 2.

woman with issues

2010-05-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder who reads your blog? Well, I do.

I write these semi-random blogs, post them to the internet as if I am the only one who knows the words I've spelled out, as if they are written in my personal journal hidden under my mattress (OK, not really), but then people actually read them. People I know? A few. People I don't? Apparently a few more than I realized. How do I know? Well, I'm also one of those people who tracks how many people come to my blog. Yes, I am curious like that. It's definitely not a popularity contest, just curiosity.

Speaking of which, what brings people to this blog? I wonder what rabbit trail they went on to get here. I'm sure I'm misleading people by my blog title. I must admit the title represents a period of bitterness. But now, however many months later, instead of *gasp* bitching about it I'm trying to do something about it. How, you ask?

1. Visiting a doctor

2. Praying

3. Enjoying life and laughing a lot

While some of these options might seem to be obvious, it is not so. It takes a lot more effort than you might imagine to do any of these things. Why? Because each of these things requires action. Each requires a conscious effort. Each requires faith. Healing is not for the lazy person.

"As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. ⁴³And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. ⁴⁴She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
⁴⁵"Who touched me?" Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
⁴⁶But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
⁴⁷Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. ⁴⁸Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
The woman in this passage made an effort, a big effort, to be healed. She had faith. She took action. This woman was not lazy, but instead stepped out in faith with unwavering confidence that she would be healed. For her it was not a question of if she would be healed, but instead, "how will I get to Jesus?". She had exhausted all of her options (verse 43) and knew Jesus was the answer. How often is it that we wait until we've exhausted all the options in our control before going to Jesus? We treat Jesus like a savings account: it won't last forever, so only use it when you have to. And it better be for something good.
We go to Jesus in desperate moments when we don't know what else to do. He's a great resource, but not one we want to use up. How messed up is that? We rape the earth each day with our water bottles, plastic bags, styrofoam cups, and diaper-filled landfills leaving it high and dry for the generations after us, but we can't go to God in faith that he, the Creator of all we've destroyed, the Great Physician can heal us. That he can redeem us. That he love us.
I am thankful for God's grace. Thankful he puts up with my crap. Thankful he understands me even better than I will ever understand myself. Scripture says, "ask and it shall be given to you..." (Matthew 7:6) so here I am, asking for healing. I'm taking steps towards healing, taking action and putting more faith into it than I ever have before. I know God is has the bigger picture in mind, and trusting that somehow I fit into it.
Wish me luck.

pearls of wisdom and other thoughts

2010-05-05T05:39:00.000-07:00

I've learned a few things recently. Please enjoy my pearls of wisdom (or just the things that go through my brain).

1. We in Children's Ministry really, really like to label things:

No, I did not label this but someone definitely did.

2. I can make a mean Banana Bread.

3. No matter how crazy people think I am I still really, really want a bunny.

I mean, come on, how awesome is this?

4. 5am will always be an ungodly hour of the morning.

5. April showers bring May flowers, and 5th grade girls are flirts.

6. Boys are dense, at all ages.

7. You know how people always say "Oh, I can't have another show, I already have too much to keep up with in my [fill in type of T.V. recording device of your choice]"? Well, I never knew the feeling, until know. For a girl who grew up on Wayne's World, Encino Man, Clueless, Son-in-Law, The Simpsons, and all other quality 90's T.V. and movies, this is a very unfortunate revelation.

8. Spencer Pratt might be the only thing to make both God and the Devil laugh.

9. The iPhone is either the "best ministry tool ever created" or a loaf of bread in the desert, i.e. a gift from Satan.

10. Everyone should make it a priority to watch "MTV Jams" after 10pm for this and other incredible and necessary television.

11. Junior highers and sprinkles should never be in the same sentence, nor in the same room.

And here is what I have yet to learn: At what point did posting >100 word thoughts and activities become a career? i.e. Twitter. Answers welcome.

elephants in ethiopia

2010-04-28T22:47:00.001-07:00

Remember ignoring your parents as a child? Pretending you didn't hear them, when clearly you did?

To be honest, I still do it. No, not with my parents, but most definitely in certain environments I find myself in Monday-Thursday, 9-5 and weekends. (Forgive my vagueness as I'd hate to give away too much detail). **Cough**.

It is not uncommon that someone in above the mentioned environment might find me wired up with earphones securely fastened in the upright position. Please note, I did not say they were on, just that they were securely fastened.

When the music has faded and my hands scurry away at the keyboard or, you know, rolling 2000 pennies into thin paper sleeves, still I continue on. Continue on typing. Continue on rolling those pennies. Continue on pretending I don't hear you to the side of me, you to the front of me, you to the other side of me, you to the back of me, you across the way, you who just walked in, you in the office across from me, you walking past in the hallway, and all other you's in a 10 foot radius or whose voice carries at levels audible to an elephant in Ethiopia.

Speaking of which, sometimes I think I might be the elephant in Ethiopia. You know, the one who can't hear, perhaps even the one whose not listening. There are certain things in life I've tried very hard not to hear. I'm sure we all have those things. The things we ignore about ourselves, our lives, the people around us, and ultimately anything we are in denial about.

Denial is a funny thing. We all do it. And the worst part is we know when we're doing it. I think I might be doing it. Or rather, I've been doing it. We all fight different battles, but maybe it's time to accept reality and stop fighting it.

Why is it so scary to live in reality sometimes? I've got the whole "down to earth" thing down (humility, not so much), so perhaps the issue is needing to stop making things make sense to me, on this earth. Maybe reality is much bigger than that.

What reality are you ignoring? I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours-maybe.

Update

2010-04-28T22:38:00.000-07:00

I lied the other day.

While I am very capable of event planning and generally very good at it, I do not find it effortless and I do not find it energizing.

Or perhaps the problem is when I am planning it with other people. People I do not particularly **cough** enjoy. So maybe the real problem is the environment in which I plan the event.

I hope you found salvation or at least had a life-altering epiphany in this little blurt of a blog. I did.

if i had a twitter...

2010-04-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

...this is what I'd tweet:

@llison

Monday: Vacation lunch--worth every penny.

Tuesday: Just purchased 32,800 calories [80] worth of churros from Costco. Jamie Oliver would not be pleased.

Wednesday: Why I get paid the big bucks: rolling 2,000 pennies into teeny little wrappers. Filth.

...maybe I'd have a real twitter if I had real people to follow me.

P.S. Yes, I think I am funny.

Questions #1-6

2010-04-26T06:45:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna play this game like one of those word association games-say the first thing that comes to mind. I'll elaborate when necessary.

1. What do you do that is almost effortless from your perspective, but seems like a daunting task to others?
Organization. Babies. Oh, but about my job--
Organization
Event planning
Hanging out with kids
Dealing with parents

2. In what arenas do people consider you the "go to" person?
Editing (I tend to avoid being a "go-to" for many things...see question #6)
Decorating
Organization (again??)

3. What facets of your job energize you?
Hanging out with kids/student leaders
Playing

4. What do you wish you could stop doing?
Being in the office
"Meeting" with volunteers

5. What organizational environments are you drawn to?
See question 1
Flexible
Quiet (mostly)
Ones with people who are: funny, organized, committed to excellence

6. What environments do you avoid?
Noisy ones
The office
Ones with people who are: needy, talkative, draining, overly-critical, rude, inconsiderate...

And now my own question:

7. What have I learned by answering these questions?
I am a huge proponent of organization
I really like editing, and people utilize for that ability regularly
I like quiet
I don't like the office

Hmmm...thoughts?

the other "thing"

2010-04-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

I recently read a blog about what your "thing" is. Ok-here's your chance to go read the blog then come back to hear what I have to say. Go ahead now, just don't forget to come back.

Now where were we? Oh yes, my thing. I can think of lots of things. Right now I am thinking about food (a more common occurrence than I'd like to admit). Earlier I was thinking about, well, probably food again. OK, OK, this isn't going well. I think about clothes, about my job, how much sleep I got, what errands I need to do, if I need to do laundry, what my plans are for the week, who do I need to make an effort to contact....and the list goes on.

I am a girl. I think ALL the time. My best friend just gave a sermon in J.High about the difference between boys and girls. Boys are waffles, girls are spaghetti (yes, she stole it from a book). Boys compartmentalize things. When they say they are not thinking about anything, they are really not thinking about anything. When they watch a movie, that's what they are doing-watching a movie, and that's it.

Girls on the other hand are think constantly. We're like that "Google" commercial-have you seen it? Name one word and I'll give you 10 thoughts. Wanna bet?

Here goes--Rabbit:

I really want a bunny, I went to the mall by myself looking at bunnies, I do a lot of things by myself, I really like being by myself, is that weird? Oh well, I don't really care what you think. I'm honest. I'm bold. I have no shame. Yes, I know that's a ballsy thing to say. My friend M* is ballsy, she'll say anything to the point where it hurts. I don't want to hurt people, I hope I have more grace on people than her. I should probably stop being so judgmental of people. If you want to rock the Australian-uber-trendy-modern-man-mullet haircut then go for it. We had a worship worship leader this morning with hair like that-it was AWESOME. It was nice sitting with L* this morning. She's not engaged yet but she will be soon! I can't wait for her. It must be hard to wait. Learned I am not in much of a rush-at least not as much as maybe I thought I was........

See? Spagetti I'm telling you. Spaghetti.

Anyways...all that to say that life is full of things. Material things, job things, work things. But what is the one thing I want? The one thing that makes me forget all the other things. In all honesty, I don't even know if I know. I like doing lots of things. I have hobbies, passions, dreams, desires. I've got all of that. But what is my one thing?

At a conference recently we were encouraged to answer the following 6 questions to help us "discover" our dream job-what it is I am good at. My calling perhaps?

1. What do you do that is almost effortless from your perspective, but seems like a daunting task to others?
2. In what arenas do people consider you the "go to" person?
3. What facets of your job energize you?
4. What do you wish you could stop doing?
5. What organizational environments are you drawn to?
6. What environments do you avoid?

Answering these questions seems worthy of another blog (or a few) but also a worthy task.

I'm excited about where this is going. Excited about where this is leading me.

So what's your thing?

thing(s) i'm learning

2010-04-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

I learned today to bring an extra [eek] bra with you to a baptism. Either that, or assume the worst and wear your swimsuit like you planned.

I also need a new blog title. Why do you ask? Because I'd like to close, 'er, move on from the "Gluten Free-dumb" phase of life. Sure, I still can't eat the stuff, but it's just so much easier not dwelling on it. This blog never really ended up being what I thought it would be, despite my [feeble] attempts.

Through the last two years I have learned to laugh at life and not take myself so seriously. Laughter is good. Laugh excessively-that's my new motto (as of the three seconds ago I just typed it).

To be honest I've been somewhat inspired by a few other blogs I've read recently-not the serious kind. Well, by "not-serious" I mean funny, but very real. Authentic. Authenticity is something I'd like to strive for. I am a relatively honest person, which thankfully I've mostly learned to use to my (and others') advantage, but authenticity is more than that. People appreciate authenticity, and I think authenticity elicits change. Authenticity acknowledges what everyone else is thinking, bringing it out into the open for what is necessary-conversation.

This is what I am thinking about, what are you thinking about?

Oh, and do you have any ideas for a blog title for me?

maybe I forgot

2010-04-07T21:44:00.001-07:00

...or maybe I simply blocked it out, but I was just reminded of how it feels to
plan VBS. Until now it felt like any other event in the not so far future. Until now it felt doable. Round two-totally easier, right? Maybe, but it's not that easy. I've had enough other things going on in the last few weeks/months to the point where this was the last thing on my mind. I knew the time would come when it would come to rule my life again, if only for three month. Yikes! Three months? Really? So far and yet so near. So long and yet not long enough out. I'm determined to enjoy the process. To appreciate volunteers who are gung ho and ready to go. I'm determined to continue liking my job, if only for this time in life. Will this ever be something I am actaully "good" at or will God continue to use this as a growing opportunity? I thought I already told him I'd grown enough but perhaps I wasn't clear. Or perhaps he didn't really care.

Dear VBS,
You may try to take over my life. You may actually succeed at it for a time. But I want you to know that you can't consume me; I won't let you. I am not working hard at you for the sake of your name or glory. Nor am I working hard at you for the sake of our church's namesake-or even my own. I am working hard at you for the sake of the Kingdom, for Christ's namesake. He is bigger than you. Although I may look like a failure, He loves me nonetheless. Despite my flaws, lack of experience, and faithlessness, he will work in and through me. Afterall, isn't that what I am here for?

Sincerely,

Alli$on (because yes, I still think I am funny and will continue finding the humor in life despite the craziness that consumes it)

boot camp

2010-03-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

This whole working out thing is really beginning to kick my butt! BUT, I love it. I really do. There is so much peace in knowing that I have worked my body to the point of exhaustion.

Despite its imperfections I know my body has changed in many, many ways. Perhaps the most important thing I have learned is that if this is what my body looks like when I am eating well and exercising often, then apparently this is how my body was made to look. Again, there is no greater peace than knowing that. With peace comes great confidence.

I know I can push myself. I know I am stronger than ever before. I know this is just the beginning (although it's been about 6 months now).

You know you've worked out hard when you are soar within an hour of finishing your workout. And it feels so good :)

mental purge

2010-03-22T22:56:00.000-07:00

Part of me is writing this blog solely because I like the way the keys on my laptop feel on the tips of my fingers. I am also writing this because I've realized a lot about myself in the last few weeks/months.

I realized that working out really makes your body tired, but feels OH-SO-GOOD.

I realized that I like my job a lot more than I used to. I realized that while I may not be called to this particular job forever, I AM called to kids, and I AM called to this job at this point in my life. There is no where else I should be and I am hear for a reason.

I realized that my best friend and I laugh EXCESSIVELY.

I realized that I am MUCH more confident than I used to be. And when I say "used to" I mean that I am more confident than I was a few years ago, a few months ago, and even a few weeks ago.

I realized that I am 23. Not 32, not 302. I am YOUNG and enjoying life. I have so much left to live and life is just not worth living if you can't laugh your way through it. Being embarrassed or shameful really does no good for anyone. Laughing, however, brings joy to everyone.

I realized that I am more independent than I ever knew I was. It's hard for me to be dependent on others, even though sometimes I (used to) wish someone would take care of me.

I realized that healing takes a leap of faith; a leap I took that I am waiting to see the results of.

I realized that I am not scared of boys anymore (I don't think so).

I realized that I've struggled with some bitterness in my life, but that time is over. Phew.

I realized that I really DO enjoy my friends. I enjoy good company and catching up with people. People aren't as draining as they used to be but i am not sure how or why that has changed.

I realized that I care a lot more about people than I used to.

I realized that I want to be around people who are supportive, encouraging, and challenging.

I realized that I have been given the gift of patience, I just didn't know I had it. I'm not sure if it's new or old gift, but either way I know i have it.

I realized that I am NOT in a rush.

I realized that friendship is really important to me.

I realized how much I have to be grateful for.

I realized that I love life. I love my life.

ministry

2010-03-10T21:38:00.000-08:00

One of the unique opportunities I've had in the last few weeks, closer to months at this point, is taking part of a discipleship/small group class as part of the staff of my church (and employer). While I recognize the rarity of having an opportunity of this sort at my place of work, I can't say I was excited to partake in this class. I think annoyed would be the more appropriate word.

Since its start we have shared plenty of awkward moments with each other. Followed by awkward conversation. And a few more awkward moments. On the flip side, it has been fun getting to know the unique quirks and gifts of each person. We are a group that spans many ages, experiences, life stages, and careers. With that comes many unique perspectives and thoughts on life, faith, and career. Which were the very topics of today's conversation. Which brings me to...

Calling. Calling, career, passion, gifts. How much do they relate to each other? Are they the same? Are they different? How do they effect each other?

A lot of opinions were thrown around, but here is mine, from my own experience.

I struggle to say I am called to my job, because I don't know if it is what I want to do forever. I can say that I am called to certain parts of my job. For example: kids. I am passionate about kids and the opportunity to develop their spiritual lives, even if I don't see the fruit of that labor. With that in mind I don't think my job is the only way for me to make a dent in the Kingdom of God (please don't take that as minimally as it sounds). I am, however, confident that I am exactly where God wants me to be for this time in my life. So maybe that means I am called to my job. I guess the difference for me is that I don't think that is ALL I am called to.

Each of us has different Spiritual Gifts that can be utilized in a plethora of ways. I have gifts from God that I don't get to use in my job that I, fortunately, utilize outside of my "career". Utilizing my other gifts, those outside of the work field, enables me to stay committed to my job. Why? Because I know that my gifts don't stop being used at 5pm, Mon-Thurdsay + weekends. I use many of my gifts at work, and the others in the world I live in every day...away from work. With that in mind, although I may be called to my job, I am not called ONLY to my job. I am called to life. To bringing glory to the Kingdom of God with whatever gifts or means possible. Does God care less about what I am doing than how and why I am doing it? I think so. I don't know how hung up he is on our trade. I think he is hung up on how my life glorifies him. So maybe I'm called to my job, maybe not. Either way, it's easier for me to focus on bettering the Kingdom in ALL I do than focus on solely what I am doing. It's about being, not just doing.

What's your focus? Are you Mary or Martha?

when you work in children's ministry...

2010-03-08T07:56:00.001-08:00

...you tend to find things like this:

health, joy, peace

2010-03-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

I realized I haven't mentioned much about food lately. Seeing that this blog was at least partially created out of my relatively new GFDF lifestyle, I figure I should at least mention it once and a while.

Here is the scoop: I've been feeling really good lately-like, really good. I try not to let the fear of what pain lurks around the corner paralyze me, but I really don't ever know when it's coming. That will be a continuous battle I think.

One difference I have made that seems to be contributing to this pain-free lifestyle is that I stopped taking fiber and vitamins. I have always been a huge proponent of getting nutrients from their original source and not depending on supplements to do the trick (although I highly debate whether there is much supplementing going on). Long story short, I ran out of multiple vitamins I was taking daily and didn't have time to replace them. By default supplemental fiber was cut from my diet. While I thought this might wreck my insides, it seemed to do just the opposite. Maybe there really is something to this...

In other news, I've actually been exercising. I've been extremely regularly with my routine since October and I think it's starting to pay off. I am beginning to notice changes in the muscle tone of my body. I feel stronger (never really knew that feeling before), and I feel like I could keep going. I bumped up my routine in the last month or so, and that seems to really be doing the trick. I'm not sure if I weigh much less, but I genuinely feel really good inside. It's a good feeling. A very good feeling.

So here is to 2010! A year of health, joy, and peace!

burn

2010-03-03T20:36:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wanted to telling someone, er, everyone about something?

I imagine it something like knowing the gender of your unborn child, or the name you've chosen for that child, and not telling anyone because A) you want to keep it your little secret or B) you're afraid something might change between now and the time that child is born.

The question is, who do you tell and when do you tell them? Patience is a virtue, and I guess this one's for keeps-for now.

Secret burn. Burn like fire. Burn like peroxide sitting on a raw wound.

So what do you do with that secret while it burns? As long as it's mine for keeps, what do I do with it? I refuse to write about it out of fear it might be nothing. I hate to let myself down. I'm bad at that-letting myself down. My conscience is my nemesis.

To be continued...

thoughts of god

2010-03-03T00:21:00.000-08:00

Here is a true life snapshot from my day:

Child: Your mean.
Self: OK, that's fine.
Child: Your really mean.
Self: You know, I don't really care what you think.
Child: Well your a bad person. God would care.
Self: Oh really?
Child: You're not a Godly person. You're a bad person.
Self: Alright, well, you can think that if you want.

Oh to be a 4th grader. Those were the days...when I knew the thoughts of God.

all i know is that i don't

2010-03-02T23:32:00.000-08:00

As I walked across the stage I knew the world had so much to offer me. With my degree in hand and a cap on my head the world was my oyster, and this was the first step in cracking it open. Little did I know what would happen when I opened that oyster. Sometimes it smells like rot from the bottom of the ocean, other times like the sweet smell of an ocean breeze.

I've experienced both in the last two years.

As you may know I adopted a new phrase for everything in the last few months-whatever! Life gives you lemons and they turn out to be rotten? Whatever! Job sucks? Whatever! Missed a loan payment by mistake? Whatever! There is jut no better way to deal with life than, Whatever!

With eternal gratitude I must admit 2010 is beginning to prove itself. It will in no way make up for 2009, but I am not looking for that anyways. I am simply hoping and praying for joy and peace in 2010. I sound a bit like a Christmas carol here, but it's the truth. Peace, joy, and love. What better things to live your life by?

Within two months of graduation I already had a "career" in place. I debated if I might tour the world before "settling down" but with no funds to tour with and a job in my lap, I went the career route. I don't regret it. But I also don't understand it. I'm amazed I've made it this far, but how much longer will I last? To be fair it's gotten better in the last 6 months or so. It gives me hope for the future, but I still wonder where God wants me in the future. But I can't know that. All I can really know is today and what plans God has for me in this moment. Life is meant to be lived and I am learning to enjoy the moment. I am confident I am exactly where God wants me to be right now. I don't know why I have such great confidence in this, but I have felt this way for some time.

At 23 I have plenty of life to live. I don't know what the future holds and each day I imagine it looking quite different. What will I be? Where will I live? Who will I become? What is to come? However, the only actual important question is who am I living for? And guess what. I actually know the answer to this one. I live for God. I don't know where that will lead me but a little mystery is always exciting, right? Mystery and adventure-some of God's greatest qualities.

how to make world peace

2010-02-10T17:02:00.000-08:00

I have a new theory. Three theories actually. Be it what they are, but these are theories that will 1) help you get (keep) friends, 2) bring joy to the world, 3) contribute to peace on earth, 4) make people love life (and themselves), and ultimately 5) bring good to the world. The possibilities are endless.

Theory # 1: Always tell your friends (and strangers?) that they should really go eat something...calling them "skinny bone jones" and/or telling them they are "too skinny" doesn't hurt either.

Theory #2: Always ask people if they've been working out. Even if the answer is "no", it's always a compliment to ask.

Theory #3: When all else fails, pick the weight you want to be (or used to be, or should be, or thought you were before you stepped on the scale the other day), print it on a label in big, bold letters, and stick it on the part of your scale that displays the number we are all so fearful of. This way, you will forever be the weight you want to be (or used to be, or should be, or thought you were before...well, you know).

Got more theories? Join me as I change the world. All theories welcome.

Kitchen Sink Chili

2010-02-08T07:35:00.000-08:00

Originally from the kitchen of my mom, adapted by yours truly

I've made this recipe a dozen times by now, and it turns out a little differently each time depending on what ingredients I have on hand (or forgot to purchase beforehand).

1-2 cans tomato sauce
1 large can roasted tomatoes (usually come chopped)
1 small bell pepper, chopped
2-3 stalks of celery, chopped
1 yellow or white onion, chopped
1/2-1 lb. ground turkey or beef
salt and pepper
1/2-1 T chili flakes
2-3 T chili powder
1 can kidney beans
olive oil

Saute onions, celery, and bell pepper until softened in large sauce pan. Add ground meat and cook until browned (does not need to be cooked through). Add remaining ingredients and bring to simmer on low heat for 1 hour. Adjust seasoning to taste.

Optional: Omit ground meat to create a vegetarian version. Equally good, less hearty. Serve with corn bread or my new favorite, grilled polenta.

Enjoy.

Calories: Approximately 200 per cup.

Frozen Pea Soup

2010-02-08T07:24:00.000-08:00

From the kitchen of the Barefoot Contessa

2 T olive oil or butter
2 leaks, chopped
1 yellow onion, chopped
1 box (32 oz.) chicken stock
5 cups (20 oz.) frozen peas
2/3 cup fresh mint leaves, chopped
2 teas. salt
pepper
1 can pinto or other white beans
1/2 cup chives, chopped (optional)
Other seasonings as desired

Saute leaks and onions in oil or butter in large saucepan. Add chicken stock and bring to a boil. Add peas and cook 3-5 minutes until peas are tender. Add mint, salt, pepper to taste, and beans. Simmer until heated through, then puree in blender 1 cup at a time or using an emersion blender.

I think I added some dried basil and/or oregano and/or whatever else I found in my cupboard. Like I've said before, I am a seasoning junkie. The more the merrier.

Note: If you really feel like shelling fresh peas then you can rename this recipe "fresh pea soup" as it was intended to be called, but who really wants to shell (or knows how or where to) fresh peas? No one I know.

Calories: Approximately 150 calories for 1 cup.

Chicken Vegetable Soup

2010-02-08T07:07:00.000-08:00

I'm not trying to bore you with recipes, really. It's just that if I put them in my blog, then I know they are out there somewhere in the world and next time I want to pull them out, I will know where to look.

Chicken Vegetable Soup
From the kitchen of Rachel Ray, or someone who writes for her

1 lb. plum tomatoes (canned are fine)
1/4 c olive oil
salt and pepper
Chicken or other grill seasoning
1 ib. boneless chicken breast
2 small onions, chopped
1 lb. carrots, peeled and sliced 1/4 inch thick
1 lb. yellow-fleshed potatoes, peeled halved lengthwise and thinly sliced crosswise
1 box (32 oz.) low sodium chicken (or vegetable) broth
1/2 lb. green beans, trimmed and halved crosswise
1/2 c. flat-leaf parsley, chopped

Roast tomoatoes at 500 degrees with olive oil, salt and pepper on lined baking sheet for about 20 mins (this step is optional).

Season chicken with salt, pepper, and grill seasoning. Cook in olive oil in large saucepan until cook through. Let cool, then shred meat.

Using the same saucepan heat olive oil over medium heat. Add onions, season with salt and cook until soft (5 mins). Add carrots, potatoes, and chicken broth. Bring to simmer and cook for about 5 mins. Add green beans and tomatoes and cook until potatoes are soft (10 mins). Add chicken, parsley, and salt and pepper to taste. Simmer until vegetables reach desired texture.

Calories: Approx 235 for 1 cup.

White Bean Chicken Chili

2010-02-06T13:06:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else out there love the indoors as much as I do? I realize that I live in a town where I can sunbathe through November and the icy-chill involves no actual ice-or chill, but the mere hint of gloomy weather excites me to no end. Why? Because it means I can stay indoors. I can relax in the calm space my home provides (+1 point for being single), catch up on good T.V. and revel in the ridiculous, and simply do whatever it is I do at home. It also means my house tends to be a little cleaner.

So, in light of "winter" as I have come to know it, I've been taking this time to practice my soup making skills. It comes in handy for a GFDF girl who likes food! So here I go with a few [modified] recipes for keeps:

White Chicken Chili
From the kitchen of a mom and dear friend

1 lb chicken, cut in small chunks
1 small onion, chopped
1 box (32 oz.) chicken broth
2 garlic cloves, chopped
2 tsp. cumin
1/2 tsp. oregano
2 cans pinto or cannellini beans, drained and rinse
1 or 2 bell peppers, chopped
jalapeno chili peppers to taste (jarred, fresh, canned)
2 T. olive oil
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:
Put everything besides the beans, bell peppers, and jalapenos in a crock pot for 3-5 hrs. 1 hr. before serving add remaining ingredients.

If you do not have a crock pot (moi), sear chicken in olive oil in a large pot, then add and saute onion, bell pepper, and garlic. Once vegetables are soft, add remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. Let simmer on low heat approx. 1 hr.

Tip: Soup is always better the next day (or 2, 3, 4 days later). I probably added twice the amount of cumin and would have enjoyed more heat from the jalapenos, but then again, I am a spice fiend.

Enjoy

I'm Baaaacckkkkk

2010-02-06T12:46:00.000-08:00

I've been on quite the hiatus from this world of blogging lately. Perhaps there has been too much going on. Perhaps I don't know what to write. Or perhaps I simply cannot manage to finish a thought. I've read a lot of those "stream of conscience" blogs in the last few months, and perhaps that's what I should start doing. Why finish a thought when you have plenty to start?

All that to say-I'm back. I'm a month in to 2010 (I guess we all are) and already a lot has changed. Without getting into the details, I can at least say that this year is still lookin' good. I still have hope---and rolling with the punches in the meantime. Year two has already proven my theory that year one sucks. I've pretty much done everything I can do in my job so now is the time for me to do things better and with more efficiency. I love those words. Better. Efficiency. That's more my style. I like my job better--and that is HUGE in my book. Can't say I will love it forever, but I love it for now. Wow, that's a strong word-not sure if I am ready for the "L" word. Well, it is February after all.

As much as I am blessed by others in my job, I can be equally frustrated by them. The one thing I can say though is that I am a little more confident in my decisions. I work hard, I am dedicated, and do the best I can. Sometimes I surprise myself by what I can accomplish. It's those moments that I am reminded I didn't accomplish much of anything-God did. I also have boundaries. I refuse to let my job consume me or my life. I like to think that by setting boundaries of my own I will encourage others to do the same for themselves. (Side note: Boundaries and bailing are not synonymous. Ask any volunteer coordinator).

There is plenty more to be said, I am sure, but in the meantime the couch is calling my name. All-Nighters with [68] 4th & 5th graders can do that to a girl. Even a girl who is still only 23. Only 23.

Alter-Ego

2010-01-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

In recent news, I decided who my alter-ego is. I never really thought about it before, until I saw this video:

Don't judge.

Yogurt Mayhem

2010-01-09T09:16:00.001-08:00

There once as an auntie who took three kids to yogurt.

There is no "before" since most the fun happened after.

There was sharing involved, and plenty of laughter.

Including stories of "nibbles" and yelps of "yumm-y!"

Singing and dancing filled my heart with glee,

and even this lady, you'll see, laughing at me.

A tomboy, a Nancy, a little Birdie, now three,

These are my favorite, as now you can see.

New Year, New You (Me)

2009-12-31T06:52:00.001-08:00

Have you read Julie and Julia? Seen the movie? Well, in both this character, Julie (duh), is inspired to cook through Julia Child's cookbook in a year-some 500+ recipes. Now, unfortunately we know I cannot eat about 98% of the recipes in her cookbook, but seeing that today is New Years Eve, I am feeling inspired to try something for myself this next year.

I'm not typically the one to make a New Year's resolution (or multiple for that matter), but for some reason this year I've decided to consciously make a few changes or goals for myself. Nothing major, just a new, fresh look at the new year. Hence the new.

So, in theme with making New Year's resolutions, what should my goal be for 2010?

Photo Fun

2009-12-28T16:14:00.000-08:00

Here is how I spent my afternoon (and some afternoons last month)...editing photos I mean:

Here is to Miss Rose. Another day, another post to the rest.

Panicking at the Disco

2009-12-27T23:02:00.000-08:00

Per the suggestion of a friend I am here, writing, to get something off my chest. To be honest I am not really sure what I am getting off my chest, but whatever it is, it needs to go.

Currently, I feel like throwing up. Yum! Just what you wanted to hear, I am sure. But this time I don't think it has anything to do with something I ate. I think it has everything to do with anxiety.

To suffer from anxiety is to have, "a vague unpleasant emotion that is experienced in anticipation of some (usually ill-defined) misfortune." The part that gets me there is the whole "usually ill-defined" thing. Reading that part alone seems to discount the feelings that accompany anxiety. It gives the lump in the throat, the stomach discomfort, the panicked breathing, the adrenaline pumping, the sense of homesickness (when at home) less credit than it deserves, as if it were a figment of my imagination. Or is it?

Ill-defined. What does that even mean? Well, apparently it is an adjective that means "poorly stated or described." In that case, I supposed that is a valid statement, and therefore a valid definition of anxiety. After all, I never can quite seem to pinpoint my anxiety, er, "misfortune."

But maybe the focus here should not be just on "ill-defined" but rather on the "ill" part. Is anxiety an illness? According to most, yes. But if it's based on "ill-defined misfortunes" then wouldn't that imply that it's based on nothing? Nothing worth being based on anyways. And if that is the case, then how do you know if you have anxiety or if you are just making it up?

Shoot, that was something only an anxious person would say, huh? Oh well. Whatever!

I think by the end of this brief post I have diagnosed myself. See at the beginning, where I said "...something off my chest...not really sure what I am getting off my chest..."? Don't you agree that fits right in with the whole "ill-defined" thing? Before I even knew the exact definition of anxiety my comments fit right in with it. Looks like I ratted myself out.

Now, what to do with this ill-defined nothingness that seems oh so present.

Too Long

2009-12-19T07:47:00.000-08:00

I suppose I cannot quite call myself and avid blogger considering I have taken as long of a hiatus as I have. But maybe that's a good thing.

23 has already treated me much better than 22, and for that I just gave a huge sigh of relief. I cannot point my finger at any particular change, but it's been a good year so far (not even a month long, but I am being hopeful and attempting to trust a little more).

My stomach problems have been no better than last year, maybe even worse, but this is the year to figure it out! Speaking of which, I have learned one new thing about my stomach in the past month. Monday-Thursday=stomach pain. Fri-Sunday=happy as a clam, calm as a cucumber. I'm guessing this has something to do with the day to day work stress I face, or maybe the whole sitting at a desk for 6-8 hrs. thing that I so often do, but I'm not sure how to go about making changes so that this is no longer the case. So maybe this is a sign that what my weekends entail are usually good for me, but does that mean the rest of it is bad for me? Unfortunately every day is not a weekend (even though I still work weekends).

So there is that.

I've also been super encouraged by some of the people around me lately, especially those who have spent a lot of time with me and know me well. I am not the type to reveal all of who I am from the get-go. It takes a while for me to open up. But for those who [are lucky enough to] know me well, are really encouraging to me at times. I love that I've stayed close with some of the families who I babysit/sat for. So refreshing!

I realize this blog may not be all that interesting, but whatever!

"Spiritual Renewal"

2009-12-02T17:10:00.001-08:00

I put that title in quotes not as a proper form of punctuation but instead because, well, let's just call them "air quotes."

Back in October our staff was granted a block of time out of the office to focus on spending time with God and away from all that is during this time of year. The time, date, location, and goal for that time was up to us. So what did I do? Picked a time and date, location (a few), and set a couple of open ended goals with the intent that I would wait and see what I felt like that day to really focus on.

To be honest, I went in to work this morning thinking it was scheduled for next Wednesday, but to my surprise (and joy!) the day was today. So, 1pm rolled around and out I went. Now, my goal for this is not to tell you about some miraculous interaction or God encounter that I had-that's just not my style. A is for AWkwARd. My goal for this is well...

...to tell you that I fell asleep. Yep, that's what I did. Apparently "spiritual renewal" in fact implies sleeping, hence the air quotes. This is not the first time I've done this...actually last time I fell asleep twice. Ya, there was some other stuff at the beginning and end, but most my time was spent sleeping. So my question is this, does that still count as spiritual renewal?

I think it does.

Seriously?

2009-11-23T08:29:00.001-08:00

Pretty much the whole of last week I spent bloated-and not the "OMG, I feel so fat" kind of bloated. Each day the bloating started a little earlier--5pm Tuesday, 3pm Wednesday, 3pm Thursday, 1pm Friday, 11am Saturday...seriously?? When this happens I usually start asking myself a million questions:

1. What have I eaten today?

2. Was there something in my food I shouldn't have eaten?

3. Am I just stressed?

4. Do I need sleep?

5. Seriously, what did I eat to cause this?

6. What can I eat/do to fix this?

7. How many different medicines can I try to make this go away?

8. Is it possible to overdose on a cocktail of the following meds?

-Anti-heartburn

-Maalox

-Digestive Enzymes

-Gax-X (extra strength)

-Ginger Tea

-Smooth Move Tea

9. Why did I drink all that tea??? This was a bad idea.

The only thing that makes it "go away" would be laying on the couch doing nothing. The discomfort is still there, but for some reason laying down seems to relax my system for the time being.

What was my next plan of action? Call mom: WHAT? I need to cut out all grains? Seriously?

On to my next venture: no grains. Seriously now, what is left to eat? My diet has consisted of the following for the past two days:

1. Pumpkin

2. Trail Mix

3. Coffee

4. Tuna

5. Peanut/Almond Butter

6. Apples

7. Bananas

8. Lettuce

9. Popcorn*

10. Mixed frozen vegetables*

11. Eggs

*oops--contained corn...who knew corn was a grain?

Depressing. It's sad to say I'm not sure if I even like food anymore. I have become incredibly fearful of trying any new food and/or eating out in the past few months. It's just not worth it. When it comes down to it, I would rather just eat at home. Even still my diet has become quite limited as you can see. I know this sounds like a dream diet to some where carbs are non-existent-but seriously, it's just not worth it.

I guess GFDF now has a new meaning--GRAIN Free, Dairy Free. Free-DUMB that is.

Hungry Hippo

2009-11-16T23:31:00.000-08:00

Are you ever just so hungry that you cannot seem to get full? I wonder if this is something normal people ever feel or if it is solely a characteristic of those with food allergies. It's not that I crave a particular food and won't feel satisfied until I get that food (although a Sprinkle cupcakes doesn't sound so bad), it's more so that there just seems to be no food in the world that satiates me. I am always a little hungry, never fully satisfied, and always wanting more.

Thanks to my mother I try very hard to fill up on greens (if you want to eat, eat a head of lettuce!) but that just doesn't do it. My go to food is peanut butter. I eat it on everything: rice cakes, tortillas, apples, cereal (don't ask), my finger, a spoon, rice bread, chocolate chips, other nuts, carrots (again, don't ask), and anything else that might be found in my fridge or pantry. Peanut butter is salty, sweet, GFDF, and delicious. It goes with just about anything and is full of protein that actually satisfies more often than not. I can easily go through a jar of this heavenly staple in 7-10 days.

Is this inability to feel satisfied common to us allergy ridden people or is this part of my family's digestive curse?Perhaps I really was made to be a little plump. Maybe then a drop in blood sugar wouldn't instigate WWIII or an F-5 tornado warning with anyone in my path.

What satisfies you? How do you get full on GFDF food?

Whatever

2009-11-16T23:05:00.000-08:00

It's my new word, my new mentality, my new theory on life. And so far it is working!

If you have read any of my previous posts you will know that I have struggled through the last year or so of "growing up." I've had anxiety, stress, frustrations (all of the above really) and I am looking forward to the end of 22. That being said, "whatever" has become my new motto. You should make it yours too. Why, you ask?

Said something a little bit harsh to your co-worker, turning down her idea with a dirty look you did not realize you gave when she was already having a bad day? Whatever. It won't kill her.

Just got paid and want to go shopping at your favorite store with your 15% off-because-it's-your-birthday card although most your paycheck should probably go to your credit card? Whatever. Credit card balance will be there with the next check too. That fabulous coat may not be.

Only went to 2 out of 5 financial classes your boss "strongly suggested" you try going to this year because 2 of those nights you simply did not want to go? Whatever. I'm a big girl. I can figure out my own ish. Who said I needed a will at 22 anyways?

Finished off your pantry because you just couldn't seem to get full or feel satisfied by all things GFDF? Whatever. Tomorrow is a new day and who said you could not eat peanut butter on, well, everything non-peanut butter in your pantry?

Gave attitude to your co-worker (not above mentioned) because you got verbally slapped on the wrist by her for no good reason? Whatever. It's not my problem she is anal. I didn't want to help load her car anyways.

I guess I've now revealed a little more about myself than perhaps I should have, but this mentality is a great new way of life! When the going gets tough-whatever! Life goes on. I'll make more mistakes, screw up a few more times, and ultimately make a fool of myself (or go broke), but what's the use of stressing to the point of anxiety, depression, frustration, and the list goes on? I think I may have just created my own version of McMama's Not Me Monday. Maybe this can be my Whatever Wednesday (oops, it's Monday). Maybe I'll become fabulous and famous of my new blog idea. Until then, whatever.

How much is too much?

2009-11-16T22:51:00.000-08:00

When it comes to blogging, there are many types of bloggers. There are those that reveal every name, date, and location their story or life is associate with. There are those that disguise every individual in their family with cutsie nic-names as if they are in the witness protection program.

Then there is me. I lean more towards the witness protection spectrum, but with a twist. I have always been a very honest person. I like to think it has something to do with my name, which (am I NOW revealing too much?) "truthful." Now, this honesty I exude is not just up to truth vs. lie, but rather, a general sense of honesty I tend to share with people. It is true, "I cannot tell a lie," but the honesty I am prone to is telling people when they are ridiculous or need a reality check. I am also prone to seeing things for what they are and not necessarily being coy when it comes to sharing those thoughts.

So, my question it this: when it comes to blogging, how much is too much? Some people might consider what I have to say "raw" which I most definitely take it stride, but where does the line need to be drawn?

Best WeekEND Ever!

2009-11-08T23:39:00.000-08:00

Finally! I had a real weekend! Even better, a 4-day weekend :)

"Real" weekends do not happen often in my kind of work. If I am lucky I have Saturday off to pretend like I am a normal person, but most work weeks are 6 days+. Because I baby-sit every Friday I kind of do it to myself, but baby-sitting is something hands on that I am good at, comes naturally, and pays well. It is a good way to not worry about the things of everyday life and focus on someone else for a change of pace.

THURSDAY-SATURDAY

Anyways, this weekend I was blessed to be in my first college roommate's wedding. I say "blessed" not because it was a wedding or because it is what I should say but because it was an honor to be asked and it turned into a HUGE reprieve for me that I was not expecting. Sure it was busy leading up to the weekend right when we were hit with the rehearsal dinner, pampering, errands, and people, people, people! However, it was incredibly refreshing to be with new people. There was no real agenda. I am SO thankful I set as much time aside as I did. It allowed me to focus on nothing more than the wedding, the bride, the friends, and everything going on with it. There was no stress involved, just being supportive and easy going.

For the first time in a long time I felt 22 in a good way. I felt young this weekend. I felt like I experienced life the way most of my peers do. We pampered ourselves by getting our nails and hair done. Hung out at the bride & groom's place with the wedding party. Stayed in a hotel the night before drinking champagne, eating Mexican, and playing catch phrase. Went to breakfast, salon, then wedding!

I loved getting to spend this special time with the bride and other friends from college. Everyone was fun and easy going-a breath of fresh air. We ate, we danced, and then I even went out afterwards! This is not something I do regularly, usually due to my schedule and/or mental/emotional burnout. But not this weekend!

And good news! I could eat at the wedding without asking for special requests! For this reason alone I am a huge fan of buffet receptions and good, clean food. For once the food I could eat outnumbered what I couldn't! Chicken, baked apple, red potatoes, grilled veggies...delicious. I might even repeat this meal at my own wedding...whenever that day comes.

Despite all the fun we had together, one of the most memorable moments was getting to pray with the bride before the wedding. I knew it could be perceived by some as cheesy. Even I debated whether or not to do it. But then the moment presented itself and I took the opportunity. The bride and groom do not practice any particular religion regularly although I think they were both raised in such families. But, given the basis of my friendship with the bride, I felt it was appropriate and needed. With all the stress, all the anxiety, excitement, nerves, and the fact that a wedding is a HUGE life marker, what better way to enter marriage than by inviting God into that relationship? This just happened to be an opportune moment I do not think I would have had otherwise. I do not think I have actually ever prayed with her before. I just had this overwhelming sense that this was something only I would consider doing with her in that moment. Only I could play that role in her life on that day, in that moment. I am so glad I took the time to stop for that brief moment.

SUNDAY

Woke up at 9:30am! A HUGE feat in my book, thanks in part to covering my paper-thin blinds with a dark colored sheet. Breakfast, laying on the couch catching up on SNL and Real Housewives, followed by an 8 mile walk. Wait, what?? 8 miles you ask? Yes, 2.5 hours (3 if you count the stop at Roger's Garden for a breather) and 8 miles later I ended up back at home. I guess I just didn't realize how far of a walk it would be since it is such a simple and direct path to getting there (Roger's Garden). I do not know what inspired me or where I got the energy, but it was a beautiful day and a great way to spend the afternoon!

SUNDAY PM

I got an iPhone! Sure, I did not have a phone for 3-4 days (and lost all my numbers AGAIN), but I have the iPhone I have wanted for the past year! Now to collect all those numbers again...

MONDAY

No work for me! I am taking preventative comp time for all the events, etc. that we have going on, so Monday is the final extension of my weekend. I have no real intentions other than making a return (sad day), and going to a finance class at night (ugh). Other than that the day is mine!

Bliss.

Lunchtime Epiphone

2009-10-30T23:46:00.001-07:00

You know you're white trash when...

1. You bring soup to work in a mason jar because you ran out of tupperware (and eat it out of the jar also).

2. You are too cheap to buy a Halloween costume so you debate between...

a. wearing an apron and calling yourself a "housewife" or "baker"

b. wearing a robe and calling yourself a "housewife"

c. wear the same cat ears you wore as a 5th grader*

d. wearing your middle school band jacket and calling yourself a "Jr. Higher"

e. wearing your graduation gown (enough said)

f. wearing your graduation dress and calling yourself "Greek"

3. Your co-worker tells you you are.

*winner

Eulogy of a Good Friend

2009-10-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

To my good friend, you have done well to me these last 18 months. You've provided immediate fulfillment in tough times and nourishment only you could provide. You have been manifested in so many ways to reach all corners of this place we call home. You welcome me with open arms always sharing your many facets.

But now, you've turned my back and abandoned me. You were my last glimmer of hope, and now I am all alone. What will I do without you? New friends come and go. Although I feared you might one day leave me, I had hope that you'd stick by me, be my friend, my joy. Now you bring me pain and frustration, discomfort and only a brief moment of contentment. I'm afraid we can no longer exist in friendship, although my memories of you will forever be of the joy you've brought me for so long. Now you must join the other friends I have put to rest. I think dearly of each of you.

To my dear frenemie, frozen yogurt, you will be missed dearly.

It's official

2009-10-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

The pressure is on. Now that my blog has been "linked" with another per someone I may or may not be related to, it's on! I am fairly positive no one has actually followed the link yet, but that may have something to do with the midnight-mama crowd that stalks each others websites. For those of you who don't know, mid-night mamas are all those crazy moms, stay-at-home or not, who inch along throughout their day in dire anticipation of the post bedtime freedom they are allowed once the kiddos are safe in bed. Come 7:30, 8:00, 8:30, 9:00...little by little these mamas inch their way to one blog, then another, and another. The blogging goes on and I am pretty sure they are the reason for the existence of it all.

Obviously I cannot say I am part of this specific blogging crowd, but now that I follow two such blogs, I can say I am at least a part time blogger, especially now that I am a gluten-free

stalk---er, I mean mean blogger.

Perhaps it has something to do with deleting my Facebook, or rather, "deactivating" my Facebook. Apparently I needed to find some other online forum for keeping my brain going at all hours of the night. But let's be frank. Actually, I'll be frank, you be Alice. I like writing. I have always been a writer in some capacity whether it be journaling or writing papers. (Want to know a secret? I really enjoyed writing papers in college--even the ones I procrastinated to do). I like writing and my mind is constantly going, especially once night falls. I have been a night owl since the days of sleepovers at Grammy's house when I stayed up long past any decent hour watching Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, nighttime specials and Law and Order reruns. I followed in her footsteps and sometimes beyond. There must have been something in the eggnog.

Writing is a means of straightening out the thoughts in my oh-so-jumbled head. There are too many to count, sort or organize, so writing becomes the best means for living out my type-A tendencies. That and strategically putting all my food in type/size specific plastic ware organized by style in my pantry. And obsessively organizing, then reorganizing my ever expanding collection of earrings and pajama shirts.

I love writing and this has become my forum for doing so. Would I one day like to make a career out of it? Yes. Children's books perhaps? Check. Cookbook writing? Check. So this is the beginning. There may not always be a method to it. I may not always have a witty and descriptive title (although I personally find my blog title quite smart), but here it is and here I am. Shaken and stirred but hopefully not repeated.

Midnight Munchies

2009-10-25T23:02:00.000-07:00

I seem to have a problem lately. This is not the first time I have experienced it, but it has definitely been a while. I am pretty sure I should be ashamed of this, but I will explain why I am not.

At least 2-3 times a week in the last few weeks I find myself in the kitchen, eating, at ungodly hours of the night. It is not that I get the munchies, walk downstairs and finish a carton of ice cream. This is much worse. I wake up out of a dead sleep come 2am and find myself downstairs with whichever kitchen utensil I find most accessible eating bite after bite of one leftover or another.

The reason I am not as ashamed as perhaps I should be is that although I am aware of the fact that I am awake, I have little to no control over my actions. Essentially I am sleep-eating. This is no excuse for this odd behavior, but I at least feel better about the fact that my actions slightly resemble and out of body experience. One minute I am sitting straight up in bed with my eyes perched towards the door, my hand clamoring for the blankets that suffocate me through the night, the next minute my hand is going for a scoop of spanish rice, a bite of chili, or my mouth going for a rice cake smothered in peanut butter.

My only explanation for this odd behavior is that I have been making great strides to modify some of my eating habits. I am not necessarily eating that much less during the day, but definitely trying to limit how late my snacking goes into the night. Lately my last nibble or munch has come no later than 9pm. That is late for some I know, but it is realistic for me considering I am always hungry. Anyways, I have gone to bed a little more hungry than normal since trying to modify my diet, therefore I am beginning to question if I am getting enough calories in throughout the day. I am working out at least 3-4 times a week on top of everything, so is that to blame also? Or is this one of those cruel tricks your body plays on you to sabotage any new routine you are trying to establish?

My plan for the next 2 days is to eat something a little later in the day than I have been in hopes that my body does not "need" any more nutrients throughout the night. Then I will scale back again to see if my body will adjust.

If sleep-eating is the result of a lack of nutrients or calories, then I wonder what sleep-walking is the result of. Lack of exercise? Boredom? Oh, the mysteries of life.

A thought

2009-10-24T08:50:00.001-07:00

I had a thought the other day. As I laid in bed going through my day and what was to come tomorrow I realized how quickly my birthday would be here. In the moment I thought, "I guess I finally figured out how to be 22," to which I quickly realized, "Actually NO, I have not learned how to be 22, I am just going to skip to 23-let's see how that goes."

As we all know, 22 has not been the easiest year of my life. I have looked forward to being 22 since I was a little girl and I have disappointingly been let down, very far down. I can't say I figured out how to be 22, but I can say that I persevered, went through a lot of crap, and now it's at least close to being over. It's been a LONG year and in no way has it been easy. I'm not sure what I learned this year or what I was supposed to get out of it, but maybe there will be some follow-up in my 23rd year. Come a month from now this blog will be "My life at 23" (unless I think of something a little more witty). Let's hope this year goes a little better.

This was a bad idea

2009-10-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

Remind me not to go to functions with set menus.

I know if I was one of those crazy Elisabeth Hasselbeck types who doesn't let the bread basket pass her plate for fear of gluten cross-contamination then I would have snagged a waiter to take me back to the kitchen to explain to the chef that,

Me: "Hi, I am allergic to both gluten and dairy, do you have anything on the menu I could have instead of the set menu?"

Chef: "Wow, um, well, both gluten and dairy? So no cheese?"

Me: "Nope, no cheese. Do have just like, maybe plain chicken with nothing on it? Or some sort of plain steamed veggies?"

Chef: "Um, let me see. [blank stare for about a minute followed by himming and hawing] Wow, ya we'll figure something out."

So yes, I know that doesn't seem like all that difficult of a conversation, but when you have to go through that and more every time you go out of your house to eat, it becomes a little waring. You see, what is not included in the dialogue above is all the frustration and anxiety in my head and the over-analizing of everything placed before my plate. It's dumb, I know. Hence the blog title.

Speaking of which, there are a lot of dumb things that go along with being gluten-free. Let's name a few:

1. It's DUMB that I didn't become allergic to gluten and dairy until I turned 20.

2. It's DUMB that I can no longer eat family favorite recipes (i.e. Texas Sheet Cake, Spinach Casserole-although I'm sure anything with "Spinach" related to any sort of casserole is what actually sounds dumb to most of you-pumpkin pie, and lasagna just to name a few).

3. It's DUMB how difficult it is to go out to eat.

4. It's DUMB that I cannot appreciate free food anymore because I can't eat most/all of it.

5. It's DUMB that I cannot lick the bowl anymore.

6. It's DUMB that I have become a wine connoisseur of sorts when it comes to baking (as in, I put it in my mouth to ensure I'm not poisoning others with awful food only to spit it out and wash my mouth out).

7. It's DUMB that I cannot eat pizza when that's the only food available to consume (Z-Pizza's gluten free-soy pizza is JUST not the same).

8. It's DUMB I will not be able to enjoy the feast at the wedding I will be in come November.

9. Speaking of November, it's DUMB that I now have to make a a gluten-free, dairy-free version of everything I want to eat on Thanksgiving just for me.

10.It's DUMB that food consumes my life as much as it does.

There are plenty of more DUMB things about being GFDF, but that will do for now. I hate to overwhelm you with my bitterness.

Back to my original story now. Without getting into detail, I left the table with a twice-my-normal-size-bloated-belly still wanting to be fed. Thankfully I had snacks to tide me over, but when it's 9:00pm and you haven't eaten a meal since 12pm, that doesn't help the situation either.

I'm home now. And after a long night's rest (although perhaps not long enough), I'm feeling mostly normal. Let's hope it doesn't hit my again later tonight, but for the moment I can't complain. OK, I know this whole post is basically one long complaint, but you get my drift. At least I know for SURE that I am allergic to gluten and dairy. Not that I questioned it before (I actually did) but somewhere in the back of my head I am still convinced I've made this all up. Other peoples' dirty looks don't help either.

P.S.

It's DUMB that I take as many digestive enzymes as a woman in her 90's trying to ensure she has a good BM once a week. I'm still thankful to have one a day.

18 months

2009-10-21T23:41:00.001-07:00

I must admit (and it's quite obvious) that I don't blog much about my gluten intolerance. It's been a long battle this last year and a half that I sort of put on the back burner. It's not that I don't follow a gluten free AND dairy free lifestyle, but it's not something I put much time into. I eat food I can eat, don't go out as easily as I used to, and go on with life.

Going gluten free has been a HUGE inconvenience. I am thankful, 18 months later, to not deal with many stomachaches any more, perhaps one every two weeks, and not nearly as painful as they used to be. Whatever stomach pains I have now I associate more so with stress, anxiety, and the IBS I will perhaps forever struggle with.

In the last 18 months I graduated from college, moved, got a new "real" job, and survived my first year out of school. It's been a hellish year, but I am on the back end of it now, I hope. All that being said, I didn't have much energy to put into being creative with my diet or experimenting with new recipes or ingredients.

I realized this was especially true when at a celebratory dinner the other night a friend/co-worker revealed to another co-worker, "she eats tuna sandwiches on rice cakes!" To which I cringed at the thought. I eat some weird things and sadly am ashamed of most of them! Sure, I have always had some odd eating habits (thanks mom), but it's only gotten worse since going gluten free.

So what do I miss about gluten?

I miss the ease of making a sandwich for lunch, eating at Subway, baking cookies that don't melt over the entire pan, holiday goodies, Saturday morning pancakes, Texas Sheet Cake, eating out without modifying the menu, pizza, burgers with buns, not drawing attention to myself for what I eat, not having to think about the food I am about to put in my mouth, and free food provided by special events. The list goes on, believe me.

But to be honest, it's not that bad anymore. I have found a variety of restaurants that cater to my food issues and most the people around me understand my issues and trust my judgement. 18 months later I am finally feeling mostly OK, and believe me, that is a HUGE relief! I don't feel perfect all the time, but who actually does these days? Over caffeination, extreme servings or fat, sugar, and sodium along with diet soda, eating while driving/running/standing, consuming portions too big for any human make it quite easy to suffer from occasional digestive discomfort.

All that rambling to say I have GOT to start making more of an effort with my diet. It's about time I remember to enjoy what I consume through that pie hole in my face.

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